Thursday, March 18, 2010

T minus 14 Days.....

So, the time is getting nearer and I'm ready! Only 14 days until I see this place in my rear view mirror for the last time.

There's one thing I will miss here though. This has been like a long-running soap opera during which I've watched a family dynamic in action. Reminds me a bit of the old night-time soap called "Dallas". We have the classic sociopath, the victim and the "Pixie Dust" characters who choose to pretend everything is going to come up roses in the end. If we just wish hard enough, it will all be wonderful and the flowers will bloom and everyone will go away happy. We have the estranged child who has returned to the fold. We have the weaknesses and strengths of each character coming into the light, bright sunshine making each flaw obvious. We have financial intrigue, health struggles, substance abuse and women of ill-repute. We have the detritus left behind when the one who has held it together and managed to keep it under control is no longer able to do so. It is the chairs on the Titanic, shifting from one side to another but we know this ship is going to sink. The place has a haunted feel to it.

By far, the most interesting character is the Classic Sociopath. I've been fascinated by that personality disorder since I was in college. Of course, there's a lot more known about it now but we really don't know how it develops.

A friend suggested I write a novel. The reservation I have is that it's hard to imagine who would want to read it! It might be a good beach read! So... would you read my novel if I wrote it? Any experience with a sociopath?


Monday, March 08, 2010


    This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish clod of ailments complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy...I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. (George Bernard Shaw)

Lots of lessons being learned here.

There are some basics, things that are probably insignificant to others but huge for me.

I have seen the cycle of reciprocity in my own life of late. The energy exchange is now something I understand on a personal level as well as an intellectual one. While dialectics in the scientific sense have always appealed to my intellectual/logical mind, it never made sense on a personal, individual principle in my own life.

Quite some time back, I prayed to understand it. I wanted to know how it felt to give and get, both in the negative and the positive. If I was lacking in generosity, I wanted to know how to fix that. One might say that I considered it to be essential to my own growth. However, I wanted to see what it would be like to take it out of the intellect and put it into the spirit.

The abundance that has come my way has been almost astounding. And it has all been in very practical, tangible ways. I'm far too cynical to believe perception is reality or that wishes and hopes manifest. What I believe is solid intel. Give me the facts, the figures, the final outcome. All the rest is pixie dust.

God, in his/her/its infinite wisdom knows this about me. I'm Doubting Thomas on steroids.

The first literal manifestation came from a friend a few months ago. "I know you are struggling with the deposit you need to get your teeth done. My husband and I have talked it over and decided to give you that money. You don't need to pay it back." Paraphrased, that is what was said.

Knock me over with a feather! I thought perhaps I was having auditory hallucinations!

I noticed that people began responding to my efforts at friendship. They reciprocated. I've gone from three contacts on my cell phone to thirty. And this isn't the equivalent of collecting Facebook friends. These are real people who call me and I call them. I spend more time on the phone now than I did when I was a teenager!

In my apartment search, I've had some problems because of credit issues. Some things went south and I have some accounts in collections. Sometimes that is just how it goes. It's not that I don't want to pay those things. It's not willful negligence. It's something that often happens when people become disabled. You choose between fundamental survival and the luxury of reputation.

Don't get me wrong. I hate what the credit issues have done to my reputation. I hate being viewed as a flake when it's simply not the case. FICO scores do not define character. They can be telling of many other things though. They can tell of sudden unexpected illnesses. They can tell of job losses. They can tell of failing capabilities. Sometimes they can tell of someone who has willfully run up a bunch of debt and walked away from it. The one thing they can not gauge is character.

Anyway, like it or not, I have to deal with the surface judgments from those who would rather see me in a negative way than to look at my personal situation. It's something I simply have to accept.

Once again, a friend came to the rescue. She'd told me she would pay the deposit which was extraordinary due to the aforementioned issue. I didn't take it too seriously because people say all kinds of things. Follow-through isn't always as forthcoming. I'm a "trust but verify" kind of gal.

When I went into the office this morning, she'd already sent the moneygram. I asked her to do it that way because I don't want any suspicion that I pulled a fast one - or was trying to get money, just to get money so I asked her to send it directly to the apartment complex. I saw the moneygram with my own eyes. She came through.

The payback terms are very reasonable and something I can do with little negative impact on my monthly budget.

All of this makes me want to be in the world, doing more, giving more, sharing more. It's that spiritual dialectic that had alluded me for so many years. This doggone give-and-take principle can actually work for me, too! I honestly believe this is a power greater than myself, showing me the principle in a way that I can internalize.

The interesting thing, for the record, is that neither of these people who have so generously offered their financial assistance are members of the family I have been helping for the past several years.

Isn't that something!


Sunday, March 07, 2010

Forkin the Road...

I have put down the deposit on a new apartment and will be moving at the end of March.

I'm at peace with having done the best I can in this situation. I'm not sorry to have stuck it out because, truthfully, it shows more character than to run. In the past, I've always run. Without exception, I run. This isn't running. This is completion.

Her son says it would be wrong to tell D because it might upset her. I'm willing to go along with that. For now.