tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post1259596283484455119..comments2023-11-05T04:23:05.050-08:00Comments on Finding My Way Home: Hole in the Soul... Pt 1thailandchanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10171731740204067889noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-11413950475837172932008-01-08T00:49:00.000-08:002008-01-08T00:49:00.000-08:00Got here from an more recent post...and I'm in an ...Got here from an more recent post...and I'm in an awe. I feel for you...and yes you are right, it's not about money, it's about betrayal...and it seems to me, he was defiant to the last!<BR/><BR/>I could go on...and rant in your behalf...and cry foul for you...yet, I'm awaken with the fact that I got here from that beautiful post of yours...declaring...both of you to be FREE. He is gone. But you are still here, with us and with people who cares for you. We don't dwell on whether he'd reconciled with himself or with anyone before he left...but our challenge...is for us to make sure we are in peace with anyone before we go.<BR/><BR/>I have kept saying this...and this is my fave line which I want to share with you...<BR/><BR/>"Pain is beautiful when one can rise from it's depressing power..." <BR/><BR/>You have manifested that...<BR/><BR/>(((hugs)))Sai Hijara - Ferrarishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05520502217532479038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-735658892717643732007-04-19T08:29:00.000-07:002007-04-19T08:29:00.000-07:00Chani - My heart goes out to you. My father tried ...Chani - My heart goes out to you. My father tried to commit suicide about four years ago, but failed. Thank you so much for writing about this because it made me realize how much I have not dealt with my feelings about this (for reasons that resonate strongly with your post). With your permission, I would like to share your post on my blog when I get to a place where I can share my own story.Alicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10866244966623589346noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-68080916731401143112007-04-19T07:37:00.000-07:002007-04-19T07:37:00.000-07:00I'm furious with your father. Unbelievable! In ...I'm furious with your father. Unbelievable! In so many ways! <BR/><BR/>In my own experience, anger on this level cannot be put away - it has a life of its own. It comes, it goes, you learn to live with it. I know that you will do your best to find some sort of peace. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-67870005773355920562007-04-18T07:10:00.000-07:002007-04-18T07:10:00.000-07:00I don,t know what to say that others have not but ...I don,t know what to say that others have not but I feel I want to say something life has its ups and downs but it carries on and so must we<BR/>I hope your eye gets better soon and please carry on writing as I said on warm blanket you have a wondrefull gift of putting thoughts to paperAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-82000032009128621222007-04-17T19:30:00.000-07:002007-04-17T19:30:00.000-07:00Chani, always peace with you, love. Always.Chani, <BR/><BR/>always peace with you, love. Always.flutterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11828689769747130419noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-8176397876745289982007-04-17T14:26:00.000-07:002007-04-17T14:26:00.000-07:00I just read this & I am so sorry. I think that wh...I just read this & I am so sorry. I think that what you're doing - writing it, getting it out - is so important.<BR/>Much peace to you.Tabbahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07571583646468537273noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-60859733049434176082007-04-17T13:09:00.000-07:002007-04-17T13:09:00.000-07:00Chani - I don't know what to say other than I am s...Chani - I don't know what to say other than I am sorry you have to deal with this. I feel like I know you well enough (ha!) to know that you will ultimately turn this into a journey for yourself that means something. I will be listening.QThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15544956727530046973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-26138880994171422752007-04-17T13:03:00.000-07:002007-04-17T13:03:00.000-07:00Suzy, thank you. I can feel it already :) ~*Julie,...Suzy, thank you. I can feel it already :) <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Julie, thanks. The anger really didn't last too long and in some ways, it is more on my brother's behalf than my own. I really truly don't care about his money. My brother did. A lot of his identity was wrapped up in that. It's hard to have it pulled from beneath him. <BR/><BR/>My anger also came from the betrayal, the finality of the betrayal. <BR/><BR/>It seems to be fading though. I just have to find the compassion. I don't want to become indifferent. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Bob, thanks. I believe I do have the tools. That is what my chosen culture gives me.It provides a set of customs and rituals that will guide me through it. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Jen, I know exactly what you mean. Right now, I am trying to get to my own pool of silence. That is where peace is. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Susan, thanks for the thought. :) I'm not sure I'm all that strong.. but I'm sure willing to grow. That is what sustains me. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Deb, it's okay. I don't need to feel better. It's all a process.. and I'm available for it. <BR/><BR/>I agree with you that he never had much peace in his life. <BR/><BR/>Another casualty of western culture, I'm afraid. He was so afraid of "being a burden" that he blew his brains out. He couldn't trust that his family, past or present, would stand by him. <BR/><BR/>That's really sad. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Thomas, you're very correct. One untamed, unhappy soul. We've certainly seen evidence of that on a larger scale with Virginia Tech, jeh? <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Thank you, Helena. <BR/><BR/>That is a beautiful name!<BR/><BR/>My mother's name is Helene. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Slouching, I agree that it is a selfish act. Unless someone is completely alone on an island in the middle of nowhere, there is no way to avoid the ripple effect. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Lee, thanks.. and, yes, we do all live broken lives. There's no paradise on the material plane. Dukkha. Samsara. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Des, you feel how you feel. There's no guidebook. I think when we come to accept that damaged people often react and behave from their own damage unless they have some kind of change of heart, it makes it easier to understand them. <BR/> <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Anvil, I really believe that I must find it. For my own spiritual health. The path I have chosen demands it of me. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Snoskred, I love this comment! Truly. You have given me some important things to think about. <BR/><BR/>My off the cuff response would be that I think every opportunity for growth is an opportunity we need to take. Anger is a natural feeling. It's not bad, although we can certainly express it in bad ways. You know, bad actions. Anger in and of itself is just an indication that we feel violated. <BR/><BR/>I have created a life for myself that has nothing to do with him. Nevertheless, even though my family is fractured, I have a responsibility to be as much support to them as I can. <BR/><BR/>This can be an opportunity for us all to heal, even if we don't reconcile. If it remains as it is with each person going their own way, that opportunity is lost. <BR/><BR/>That means walking through it.. even when it sucks.. even when it's not easy.. and hopefully we'll all come out of it as gentler, more compassionate and kinder people. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>MsPea, thanks :) I know you do.. and I know you wish me well and I appreciate that ~ very much! <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Thanks, everyone :) <BR/><BR/><BR/>Peace, <BR/><BR/>~Chanithailandchanihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10171731740204067889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-5856978085370403872007-04-17T12:31:00.000-07:002007-04-17T12:31:00.000-07:00Oh Chani. I'm so sorry sorry. I wish I had somet...Oh Chani. I'm so sorry sorry. I wish I had something more comforting to say than just that. Truly. Take care of yourself. I wish you peace.LittlePeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17890731735785145148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-85070511780908608702007-04-17T09:24:00.000-07:002007-04-17T09:24:00.000-07:00Ok, this might sound totally cold hearted but it i...Ok, this might sound totally cold hearted but it is not meant that way. <BR/><BR/>Sometimes things happen in life which we have no control over. We cannot change them. We cannot fix them. <BR/><BR/>The only thing we have control over is how we react to those things.<BR/><BR/>I am not sure anger is what you want to feel? Of course he did a terrible thing especially involving the child, but is feeling angry at him going to achieve anything other than to drag you to places you would not have gone if he had simply grown old gracefully and fallen off his perch at a ripe old age having spent all his money?<BR/><BR/>It seems from what you say that you have carved out a life for yourself perfectly well without him. Why not just let it go without taking a journey to places you aren't sure about? Don't let this path intersect with yours, just keep walking the path you're already on, your way. Take a moment to pause, reflect, remember good times and forget the bad entirely, then keep going on your way.<BR/><BR/>I don't know if you do have to find compassion for the hole in his soul. Maybe you have to find compassion for the hole he left in yours, leaving, not being there, cutting you out. <BR/><BR/>That's just a thought, the first thought I had when I read this post from you. I do read you every day btw. ;)Snoskredhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12670406702782244306noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-45115415396279966652007-04-17T08:53:00.000-07:002007-04-17T08:53:00.000-07:00What a family! I applaud your resolve to find comp...What a family! I applaud your resolve to find compassion. Not sure that I could do it, however.Anvilcloudhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04145547529399446289noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-22377086738652370012007-04-17T07:04:00.000-07:002007-04-17T07:04:00.000-07:00Oh Chani, I know exactly how you feel. My grandmot...Oh Chani, I know exactly how you feel. My grandmother was the same way - not a very nice person, with the same traits as your father. When she died (not quite suicide, but an OD on alcohol & pills) I was conflicted about how to feel. I'm still conflicted. <BR/><BR/>I hope that this journey does not cause you too much pain.super deshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04347176046518919059noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-46982610864609633462007-04-17T06:36:00.000-07:002007-04-17T06:36:00.000-07:00Oh dear Chani...I guess we all live broken lives d...Oh dear Chani...I guess we all live broken lives don't we? Your willingness to share is beautiful and healing...to all of us. Thank you.Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14915252268400469774noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-34201030270340720262007-04-17T05:26:00.000-07:002007-04-17T05:26:00.000-07:00i am sorry.thomaslb wrote very well about what i w...i am sorry.<BR/><BR/>thomaslb wrote very well about what i would simply call collateral damage.<BR/><BR/>suicide has been called a selfish act by some. i never used to subscribe to that notion. but when people deliberately involve others in the suicidal act, then, well, i'm just not sure anymore.<BR/><BR/>hang in there.Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05602868040771218507noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-50033093037349566352007-04-17T04:47:00.000-07:002007-04-17T04:47:00.000-07:00I forgot to mention how happy I am that your surge...I forgot to mention how happy I am that your surgery went well.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-26422429032183451702007-04-17T04:35:00.000-07:002007-04-17T04:35:00.000-07:00I don't know what to say but I want you to know th...I don't know what to say but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you will find the answers you need to make peace with what happened.helehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00500335410678018061noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-16239172859945517712007-04-17T04:06:00.000-07:002007-04-17T04:06:00.000-07:00I'm just so sorry, for everyone.One agitated, unta...I'm just so sorry, for everyone.<BR/><BR/>One agitated, untamed soul can do a lot of damage to those nearby.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-2059221064125345732007-04-16T22:11:00.000-07:002007-04-16T22:11:00.000-07:00I'm sorry Chani. I hope he can find some peace no...I'm sorry Chani. I hope he can find some peace now. Doesn't like he found it while he was alive. Wish I had some wise words that would make you feel better. Take care of yourself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-88010953243470081942007-04-16T22:02:00.000-07:002007-04-16T22:02:00.000-07:00I am so sorry, Chani. For your loss, which really...I am so sorry, Chani. For your loss, which really began so very many years ago, and for all the pain.<BR/><BR/>I will walk beside you on your journey.<BR/><BR/>It's been said that we are never given more to deal with than we can handle. You are among the strongest of women, which may help to explain why you have been given so very much to deal with.<BR/><BR/>It won't be easy, but you will do this, too, as you have already performed so many miracles in your life.<BR/><BR/>Love,<BR/>Susanheartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-79513700993478730692007-04-16T20:28:00.000-07:002007-04-16T20:28:00.000-07:00oh. chani.there are a lot of words. a flood of th...oh. chani.<BR/><BR/>there are a lot of words. a flood of thoughts. and at the bottom of it, silence.<BR/><BR/>i. am. listening.Girlplustwohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07056576921114387218noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-70996491448809813662007-04-16T19:57:00.000-07:002007-04-16T19:57:00.000-07:00If anyone I know has the tools to work this throug...If anyone I know has the tools to work this through - you do.<BR/><BR/>I am sorry for the termoil this has introduced into your life.<BR/><BR/>I have had an attempted suicide by someone in my life, someone close to me. It is one of the things I have yet to decide if it crosses my blogging line.Bobhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13690660290319444722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-75559471731954330542007-04-16T19:42:00.000-07:002007-04-16T19:42:00.000-07:00Chani, My God.I wonder, often, when I hear things ...Chani, My God.<BR/><BR/>I wonder, often, when I hear things such as your situation (past and current) what purpose such a person bears, and what pain, as well.<BR/><BR/>I'm glad you are acknowledging the anger. It is just.<BR/><BR/>I'm also glad you are working to find compassion for the hole in his soul.<BR/><BR/>Will you maybe join us on Wednesday as we write about justice and forgiveness? Will it maybe help your process this?<BR/><BR/>Much caring, JulieJulie Pipperthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03169574697104642479noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-67071120984658915212007-04-16T19:22:00.000-07:002007-04-16T19:22:00.000-07:00Thank you for sharing this. I am holding you in th...Thank you for sharing this. I am holding you in the light for healing, both from this harrowing news about your father and from surgery.<BR/><BR/>With love,<BR/>SuzySuzyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14333782408387579016noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-27931139651322059052007-04-16T19:01:00.000-07:002007-04-16T19:01:00.000-07:00De, that is my hope, too. I believe it will make m...De, that is my hope, too. I believe it will make me stronger. Just walking through it will make me a better person. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't do it. :)<BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>KGMom, yes.. now I do have that life. My life is open within reason and there are no nasty piles of dirty laundry festering in my closet. Writing saves me from that. <BR/><BR/>It's my hope that anyone who reads this series that I am not writing it to get kudos or sympathy. That's not where it's going to go at all. It is a somewhat factual account of how one family shattered. Maybe somewhere, people will learn from it and not have to experience this. <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Laurie, I understand completely. I'm not sure I would know what to say if I read it elsewhere, either. <BR/><BR/>And thanks for the wishes on my surgery. My eye looks bloodshot right now, kind of like I've been on a two-week drunk.. but it's healing. :) <BR/><BR/>~*<BR/><BR/>Peace, <BR/><BR/>~Chanithailandchanihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10171731740204067889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-47306144361528288612007-04-16T18:35:00.000-07:002007-04-16T18:35:00.000-07:00I don't know what to say, Chani. I wish I did.You...I don't know what to say, Chani. I wish I did.<BR/><BR/>You are in my thoughts. Glad the surgery went well.dmmgmfmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09872482306885344135noreply@blogger.com