tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post1734781464450628821..comments2023-11-05T04:23:05.050-08:00Comments on Finding My Way Home: An ethical question....thailandchanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10171731740204067889noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-87017956853585131872008-05-28T15:19:00.000-07:002008-05-28T15:19:00.000-07:00Um... NO! I don't think there should be an obliga...Um... NO! I don't think there should be an obligation to honor a parent who abuses their child. <BR/><BR/>I think your authentic gratitude is the best you can offer. "Thanks for giving me life" on a blank card would be perfect. That can be an act of kindness towards her as well as an act of gratitude for you. But if you chose not to recognize her or this holiday in any way I think that would be fine.<BR/><BR/>We are ALL flawed humans... but not all of us decide to deal with our pain my inflicting it on others.Rebelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12835352917180439099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-82443634753116128542008-05-12T18:46:00.000-07:002008-05-12T18:46:00.000-07:00No, I don't. I don't think simply giving birth or...No, I don't. I don't think simply giving birth or donating hte sperm for it makes you honorable. Children don't ask to be born and if you have them, you are obligated to do all that you can to be a good parent to them. hen your children will honor you because they want to.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-45906401486728196962008-05-10T20:43:00.000-07:002008-05-10T20:43:00.000-07:00Firstly, I won't weigh in with a comment on your p...Firstly, I won't weigh in with a comment on your post until I tell you this...my email is still broken~ bluestranquil@yahoo.com is a temp addy for me...please email me there Chani. And I have not forgotten your blog banner, I want to use authentic Thai photos, so I am searching for some I can use with permission. Hang in there! Sorry it's taking so long honey, I was sick all week. Back in the game now though. ;D<BR/><BR/>Your question, let it go. Is my answer. <BR/>Let it go. Anger, and other feelings destroy only YOU. You have been abused in some fashion by your mother and so your anger at her is almost like a continuance. Don't do it. Just don't acknowledge her. You have to be true to yourself. You can't stretch something like that! But that is my opinion. If you are interested in sparing her feelings, (as love for our parents is unconditional and that makes it difficult to not love them even when they do rotten things...) then just the email wishing her a "hey, hows it goin?" will suffice. <BR/>She'll get the message. <BR/>Maybe you need (and I say this without knowing your story) to get that ball of fire out. Tell her how she has treated you and how it has affected your life. Perhaps the greatest mothers day gift you could give her would be your honesty.<BR/>Just know this, at the end of the day...you were an innocent child and you've done nothing wrong here. <BR/>xoxo<BR/>Much love to you Chani. I hope this sorts itself out for you. You have the power to deal with this!Gillhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08845512494417503198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-89874729743243160772008-05-08T14:29:00.000-07:002008-05-08T14:29:00.000-07:00I guess it would depend on the level of abuse, and...I guess it would depend on the level of abuse, and on whether or not you have any type of relationship with her now. But I agree with what others have said: you have an obligation to yourself.Aliki2006https://www.blogger.com/profile/15763865834765963343noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-88751820941221712642008-05-08T13:56:00.000-07:002008-05-08T13:56:00.000-07:00Chani, sorry to be so late with this response. I'...Chani, sorry to be so late with this response. I'm all in favor of forgiving, if it can be done without harm to yourself. There's a certain toxic effect in the energy of holding on to past wrongs, and it's healthier to dump that stuff, as I see it. As for that card, I honor the wisdom of those who have suggested a blank card and whatever few words you find in your heart. They should be healing, first and foremost, for yourself...Peter Clothierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11525159413387378704noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-36331898833172784922008-05-08T12:07:00.000-07:002008-05-08T12:07:00.000-07:00Okay, kinda strong on this one. I've lived it thro...Okay, kinda strong on this one. I've lived it through to the end with my father.<BR/><BR/><EM>But the fact remains that she's getting old and probably only has a few years left to live.</EM><BR/><BR/>Which, to me, is meaningless. I do not make a connection between the state of someone's overall wellbeing and their responsibility for their actions. I also do not make a connection between someone's actions and my own choice of actions. I am responsible for my actions.<BR/><BR/>Bottom line: you must be true to whomever/whatever YOU are--independent of any other variable--and act from this place.<BR/><BR/>One day, when time allows, I will write privately and share how I kept my word, held a line, a vow, put forth as a teen. When all was said and done, others might not have understood my actions but I did and that's what mattered. I am authentic, and congruent and there is integrity in my fabric's weave. <BR/><BR/><EM>my taking the minor action that her culture values (sending a card), perhaps it will help her pass away in peace.</EM><BR/><BR/>How someones passes is not up to me in my Tao.<BR/><BR/>Just sayin'.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-65929698175433321322008-05-08T11:38:00.000-07:002008-05-08T11:38:00.000-07:00oh & sorry for the poor spelling. I really need to...oh & sorry for the poor spelling. I really need to brush up my touchtyping skills!!Bechttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17992161751725128917noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-64009636673950982992008-05-08T11:36:00.000-07:002008-05-08T11:36:00.000-07:00as you know my own father passed away 6 weeks ago,...as you know my own father passed away 6 weeks ago, we didn't have a great relationship, he was a selfish man, no abuse but a lot of indifference, he was the kind of person who would go out of his way to help a freind but barely acknoledge his own kids. The fact of us having a relationship at all is down to my sister & I including him in our life, he would have just faded away thinking, probably, that that was best. I chose to not go see him straight away when I new he only had a few weeks to live & he died before I got bank from thailand from an unexpected anyurism (sp!) & I am regretting it greatly. Even if it is to get something off your chest then do it, who cares what it does for her or what she will think or feel but if you have thought about it enough to be sourcing cards & writing this blog then you need to do what ever it is you need to do. For you. Not her. I should have gone to see my dad for myself not really for him as I am the one left. I will sound very selfish but we are the ones left with our thoughts & guilt at the end of the day, so be selfish, write the card. It will provide YOU with something that you obviously need.<BR/><BR/>Sorry to ramble but this post really hit a nerve.<BR/>BecsBechttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17992161751725128917noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-41711729459609484482008-05-08T07:44:00.000-07:002008-05-08T07:44:00.000-07:00I'm so glad you posted this, Chani. I have experi...I'm so glad you posted this, Chani. I have experienced similar thoughts/emotions. (Again, I'm sure you'll be surprised to hear it!!) ;) I, too, have gotten to the point where I won't purchase a card that says something I don't mean. That being said (and this is just a suggestion as I think that the answers to your question are as individual as the indivuduals themselves), what about buying a blank card and writing something that feels appropriate?<BR/><BR/>I don't do much for my dad because of similar feelings I have for him, but I do try to do what I feel when I feel it for exactly the reasons you mention. He won't be around forever, and I don't want to have regrets. That being said, though, I'm really on a kick lately about not forcing things, including sentiments and actions that I am not feeling.<BR/><BR/>I look forward to reading what conclusions you came to.Angelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09609676792430545424noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-60293879472949946802008-05-07T19:10:00.000-07:002008-05-07T19:10:00.000-07:00I think a blank card, or one you make yourself, wo...I think a blank card, or one you make yourself, would be best. "To err is human, To forgive divine." You can be kind and send her a card since that is important to her. It doesn't wipe out all the harm she did to you, but taking the high road always feels better....mollyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03797484583400519909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-88947281908545355482008-05-07T18:44:00.000-07:002008-05-07T18:44:00.000-07:00Though we have different faiths, we have in common...Though we have different faiths, we have in common a deep desire to authentically live out our faith. So in that sense, I understand what you mean about obligation. But how do you honor someone who is so undeserving of honor? Finding some part of her life to be thankful for - the fact that she did give you life - and being genuine in that makes a lot of sense to me.<BR/><BR/>I don't think you have an obligation to a relationship. But I do understand your sense of obligation to your faith, even in (especially in) such difficult circumstances. If a Mother's Day card helps you do that, then that makes sense to me. <BR/><BR/>The ongoing relationship with an abusive parent is incredibly difficult, and I respect that you would even consider what might bring her peace at the end of her life. That says a lot about you.Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16175187905212028267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-55610034281007175892008-05-07T16:48:00.000-07:002008-05-07T16:48:00.000-07:00I feel we have no obligation to honor a parent or ...I feel we have no obligation to honor a parent or anybody else who has been abusive to us. Blood does not excuse cruelty, pure and simple.<BR/>To me, it's better to let it go.<BR/>I am grateful to my alcoholic and aloof mother for introducing me to the wide world of literature at an early age and enabling me to appreciate the arts at all levels.<BR/>But any good teacher could have done the same.<BR/>As a maternal figure she was a dreadful failure. I don't, in retrospect, hate her. Mainly, I feel nothing. When she died I was confounded by the fact I felt no grief whatsoever. Still don't. Yet I am a very loving person.Ian Lidsterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14106994463366766471noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-40278079361317288762008-05-07T15:01:00.000-07:002008-05-07T15:01:00.000-07:00Is it possible to truly honor anyone or anything i...Is it possible to truly honor anyone or anything if we are acting out of obligation alone? This is only my opinion, and I'm sure others will disagree, but I only feel I can truly *honor* someone when I gift them because I want to. Not because I feel some sense of duty.....Angelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08013834612284846819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-66268417928226674382008-05-07T10:00:00.000-07:002008-05-07T10:00:00.000-07:00I too was in a situation of abuse. I must say the...I too was in a situation of abuse. I must say the work is for you to become stronger and not for her. I agree a lot with Olivia.<BR/><BR/>You can get a blank card and thank her for what she gave you. I'm sure you love her as a person.<BR/><BR/>You can thank her for your strength (pain makes us stronger), the wonderful ability to love others (by seeing how not to love others), etc.<BR/><BR/>You are a wonderful person - I can tell. I appreciate your mom for that.<BR/><BR/>Both my parents are gone - I'm glad I stuck it out - for me and them.<BR/><BR/>ChattyChatty Cronehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02232040517217024681noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-74623609938098815212008-05-07T06:29:00.000-07:002008-05-07T06:29:00.000-07:00I think a lot about the Right Thing to do in my va...I think a lot about the Right Thing to do in my vaguely similar situation. My mother is, for reasons beyond my comprehension, furious at me and refuses to have anything to do with me. I made her a card from one of my photos -- one that was almost an abstraction, so that she could read whatever she chooses into it. Then I signed my name.niobehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10685766216611639434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-86175882551365567532008-05-06T20:54:00.000-07:002008-05-06T20:54:00.000-07:00This is a tough one. I've thought about it and as...This is a tough one. I've thought about it and as I've never had an abusive mother am not sure how I would feel. I was at one point in an abusive relationship and I found (find) it hard to let the anger go at times. I know that I would never trust that person again. I don't know that we can ever truly re-establish trust with a person who had been abusive towards us. That's not to say we can't find something to value. I learned some important life lessons...not happy I had to go through what I did to learn them, but at the same time, there were things I needed to learn. Good luck with coming to terms with all of this.Carlahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08423696800295940382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-53183943857130360552008-05-06T19:43:00.000-07:002008-05-06T19:43:00.000-07:00i think you are going down the right road, and I h...i think you are going down the right road, and I hope you find a way to send a card or do something that is authentic and still meaningful.painted maypolehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06446625015003854710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-24749250018838250232008-05-06T19:19:00.000-07:002008-05-06T19:19:00.000-07:00oh, lord. this is tough.i would assume the cultur...oh, lord. this is tough.<BR/><BR/>i would assume the culture you feel most a part of would want you to be authentic to yourself, on the premise that you cannot be authentic in a collective until and unless you are authentic to yourself. does that make any sense? i don't know, it's late.<BR/><BR/>does it feel authentic? or does it feel hypocritical?Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05602868040771218507noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-33193880222848122392008-05-06T14:00:00.000-07:002008-05-06T14:00:00.000-07:00my husband's mother was absent for much of his lif...my husband's mother was absent for much of his life (due to some pretty destructive demons of her own) and he was raised by his father. When we got married, he struggled with whether or not to invite her to the wedding (his father passed away a few years ago). In the end, he felt it was good for his own soul to acknowledge, as you said, that she gave him life and she was part of his experience good bad or indifferent. He did this by inviting her and I know it meant a lot to her. And while their contact is still limited, I think it healed something for them both.<BR/><BR/>just my perspective~Brandi Reynoldshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05676340757693182786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-30109351887592983492008-05-06T11:47:00.000-07:002008-05-06T11:47:00.000-07:00Been through this thing with my father. Chucked hi...Been through this thing with my father. <BR/>Chucked him out of my life exactly as soon as I legally could, and I don't regret it. <BR/><BR/>My ethic is very simple - I do what furthers my interests. That includes self-preservation. At this point, he can hurt me. So I keep away. <BR/>Your culture involves being kind, but that includes being kind to yourself. If you feel that sending her some token makes you feel false, don't do it. But if you can do it simply as a gesture, or as a recognition of the fact that you wouldn't be here without your mother - in short, being true to yourself - go right ahead!<BR/><BR/>That said, your decision is your own. I hope you do/did what feels right.Sukhalokahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08839282055547314024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-84236626101243681212008-05-06T09:55:00.000-07:002008-05-06T09:55:00.000-07:00I think that honouring someone can only go so far....I think that honouring someone can only go so far. If words do not speak it perhaps a gesture that means something to you. A flower in a specific colour perhaps. A candle signifying something to you. I am not sure.crazymummahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04663148723513574331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-10913178616147259632008-05-06T09:44:00.000-07:002008-05-06T09:44:00.000-07:00That is a very difficult spot to be in. I can see ...That is a very difficult spot to be in. I can see it from both sides, the positive as well as the negative.<BR/><BR/>I, personally, would be of the frame of mind that there is always something to be thankful for. There is always some positive that can be gleamed from a stinking pile of shit. It's fertilizer, right?<BR/><BR/>Just my two cents.<BR/><BR/>:)Defiantmusehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03662821362051301388noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-87793894410503005592008-05-06T09:22:00.000-07:002008-05-06T09:22:00.000-07:00I have very loving feelings for my own mom and sti...I have very loving feelings for my own mom and still I find those 'gushyblushy' cards corny and obnoxious. I would tell my own (hypothetical) kids not to get them because they are ridiculous. Anyone who tells their mother 'I love you' more than the obligated once a year shouldn't feel the need to buy any of those 'overdone' cards. This is where the question you pose gets complicated for me. I hate the word "obligation" and anything related to it. Things done because one feels "obligated" don't necessarily come from the heart. So if you're asking if one should honor a parent (whether or not said parent was abusive or loving) because cultural traditions "obligate" it then no. Not if it means not staying true to your feelings and/or moral code. Who would want to receive gift given out of "obligation" anyway. That's not an honor it's an errand. If I want to do something nice for my mom or buy her gifts(both things I love to do anyway), I do it because I want to and I love her not because someone made up a holiday telling me I'm a crappy daughter if I don't--but see I have all these different ideas about holidays and gifts. The more I think about if I were in a similar situation, and I felt I wanted to do something, I think the nicest thing I could do without feeling like I was compromising too much would be to say a prayer for that person. And maybe just send a blank card that says,"I said a prayer for you. Have a great day."LittlePeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17890731735785145148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-84196787037318852032008-05-06T09:00:00.000-07:002008-05-06T09:00:00.000-07:00Tough call - only you can know what feels right. I...Tough call - only you can know what feels right. I'm with Chanda on this: whatever you choose to do has to feel right for you, and it shouldn't emanate from some social sense of duty. Trust is hard thing to rebuild, especially alone.we_be_toyshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12100712745473031460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-66388024306617339682008-05-06T08:36:00.000-07:002008-05-06T08:36:00.000-07:00It seems like a lot of comments mirror my own advi...It seems like a lot of comments mirror my own advice, but I'll give you my experience, strength and hope. I always went for the "neutral" cards that were along the lines of "Thinking of you on Mother's (or Father's) Day." I could not bring myself to send gushy, flowery, sentimental cards, but I did want them to know I thought of them on those days.<BR/><BR/>A blank card or postcard would do the same - it doesn't have to be specific to the "Day."<BR/><BR/>Blessings!<BR/>RebeccaRebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02878519284932058717noreply@blogger.com