tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post5465920130270350558..comments2023-11-05T04:23:05.050-08:00Comments on Finding My Way Home: Kids.... Teenagers... Young Adultsthailandchanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10171731740204067889noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-63219068584740940892008-10-31T04:32:00.000-07:002008-10-31T04:32:00.000-07:00Barring extreme medical or psych issues which woul...Barring extreme medical or psych issues which would have allowed for that behavior, I would:<BR/><BR/>a. have her paying rent if she lived at home and also contribute for groceries<BR/>b. pulled the plug on the internet<BR/>c. given her a deadline for getting a life.<BR/><BR/>I DO feel that children can continue to live at home - in many societies that's the norm until marriage, but then they are ADULT children living at home and need to act as such. Also, it's still my home and my rules and if said child doesn't like the way things are run, then he/she needs to find their own home.Jenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02362687820368214420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-73255164330998935152008-10-28T16:06:00.000-07:002008-10-28T16:06:00.000-07:00Yes, okay... AND I'd like to know whether this par...Yes, okay... AND I'd like to know whether this particular 23-year-old was suffering from some medical or psychological condition before I got too harsh on her or her mother. I know from personal experience in our own family that depression--to cite but one example--can cause the kind of symptoms you describe. And thinking back to my own 23, I was still struggling in so many ways to grow up. Just a slightly contrarian point of view... while we're all ganging up.Peter Clothierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11525159413387378704noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-16363853065382218082008-10-28T15:39:00.000-07:002008-10-28T15:39:00.000-07:0024? One year away from when I was married. At 16 ...24? One year away from when I was married. <BR/><BR/>At 16 I was whacked in the feet with a newspaper and that was that. Take care of yourself. Sure, I'd do a little more nurturing of spirit than my mother did, but I'm not that patient. Sounds like codependency to me.Woman in a Windowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14747858840088922077noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-84680542837444737052008-10-28T05:58:00.000-07:002008-10-28T05:58:00.000-07:00And yes.....we don't know if she was dragged here....And yes.....we don't know if she was dragged here.<BR/><BR/>I made more than one scene like that in my life, even as a pissed off wife. <BR/><BR/>Maybe I should be ashamed of that, but in other venues I was "normal".Christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04974215579354036047noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-12406433519195814862008-10-28T05:37:00.000-07:002008-10-28T05:37:00.000-07:00I kind of agree.I take a selfish route. I always p...I kind of agree.<BR/><BR/>I take a selfish route. I always put my theoretical oxygen mask on first. We all must.<BR/><BR/>So the child will not take away my life. And I DO have children. <BR/><BR/>I was not strict, but I did not hover, or enable. Logical consequences were seen. <BR/><BR/>This girl, though.....she might need some mental help. <BR/><BR/>Or she might be a lost cause. A future criminal, homeless person, no matter WHAT is done now.Christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04974215579354036047noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-92005441169105409812008-10-28T03:26:00.000-07:002008-10-28T03:26:00.000-07:00How did you get all this information with her bein...How did you get all this information with her being so quiet? You said that she never opened her mouth, so you must have gotten it secondhand. I would be skeptical of any secondhand information.<BR/><BR/>I can understand you disagreeing with her lifestyle, but I think you are getting too worked up about it. <BR/><BR/>Maybe she was dragged to the event. Who knows? Doesn't excuse how she treated her mother, but everyone has different experiences.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-61560397211814679702008-10-27T19:05:00.000-07:002008-10-27T19:05:00.000-07:00I agree with you about the tough love - but someth...I agree with you about the tough love - but something else is going on here. This kid's got issues if she can't function at the minimum required level of social discourse.Deodandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14252076084306247100noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-86790868366703642672008-10-27T18:31:00.000-07:002008-10-27T18:31:00.000-07:00I'd certainly like to know the story behind the st...I'd certainly like to know the story behind the story on this one. I can't imagine a 24-year old being such a lump unless something was seriously wrong. But the parent will not be doing her child any favours by not putting her foot down at some point.Carlahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08423696800295940382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-31151576270771599752008-10-27T16:17:00.000-07:002008-10-27T16:17:00.000-07:00I started working full time at 16. when I was 24,...I started working full time at 16. when I was 24, I had graduated, was buried in student loan debt and working my ass off to try to pay rent.<BR/><BR/>granted I'm a bleeding heart-but to those that cannot support themselves or are in bad situations (abuse, etc) or are children or animals that are dependant on others.<BR/><BR/>I find it hard to be empathetic for those that have plenty-capabilities, options, money-and don't use them in positive ways in their life.Brandi Reynoldshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05676340757693182786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-1113772061631527172008-10-27T14:59:00.000-07:002008-10-27T14:59:00.000-07:00My children will not be that girl.I don't understa...My children will not be that girl.<BR/><BR/>I don't understand what parents are thinking when they allow their children to do absolutely nothing for themselves, and have no responsibilities ... just rights. Funny how so many people who grow up like this are blank when it comes to their responsibilities but are the first to tell you (loudly) about their rights.ewe are herehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13339650361453626546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-29416706585150855672008-10-27T14:34:00.000-07:002008-10-27T14:34:00.000-07:00they would have been shown the door at some point ...they would have been shown the door at some point before reaching 24. Personally, I find it strange when I meet people who still lived at home into their 20s. I left home when I was 17. Not because I had a bad home life, quite the opposite, but I was ready to be on my own. I had an ex-boyfriend who, to this day, still lives at home (he's 32) and has never moved out and every single time I speak with his mother I ask if she's kicked him out yet. I just don't get it. There needs to be that point where a child realizes they are an adult and that should coincide with entering college or the workforce (or both) after high school. I dropped out of high school at 16 years old but I also began college and got a job that same year. And by the next year was out on my own and have not looked back since. And even if I had wanted to stick around I'm sure my parents would have (gently) nudged me to get out there in the world and take responsibility for myself. It's what you do as a parent. In my opinion, of course :)Defiantmusehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03662821362051301388noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-47034093256277060082008-10-27T12:32:00.000-07:002008-10-27T12:32:00.000-07:00I wonder what the whole story is here. I don't kn...I wonder what the whole story is here. I don't know about the mother's life and what needs of hers are being met by supporting her daughter.Carolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05996426286997454518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-54368923821915462262008-10-27T10:36:00.000-07:002008-10-27T10:36:00.000-07:00Oh girl - you said a mouthful! I often feel like t...Oh girl - you said a mouthful! I often feel like the only parent on the planet who sets limits and bedtimes, expects responsibility and gives out repercussions when there isn't any. I see it all the time and it drives me crazy, because those parents who think they're being "nice" and "nurturing" are in fact completely out of control. Examples: since when does a toddler know what's best for them? What kind of idiot plugs a pre-schooler into a Game Boy just to keep them quiet? And if you think they're a brat at 6, just wait until they steal your car and wreck it.<BR/>I have a nephew whose parents are exactly this kind of parent and he's currently a HS dropout with a police record. I warned them when he was 3 but what did I know?<BR/>Ask me if my kids get away with ANYTHING - I think you know the answer!we_be_toyshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12100712745473031460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-79774373517632512782008-10-27T10:30:00.000-07:002008-10-27T10:30:00.000-07:00When I was her age I was English department chair ...When I was her age I was English department chair at a large high school. I wasn't an anomaly for those days, either. I was a grown up and grown ups did grown up things, like work. <BR/>If she were mine I'd tell her she was an adult, and I would give her a month to get activated, to at least try to find a job. If she chose not to, then I would show her the door and suggest she use it since this was no longer her home. I would tell her that she had only 30 days right at the beginning of that month.Ian Lidsterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14106994463366766471noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-31473370889306434322008-10-27T09:55:00.001-07:002008-10-27T09:55:00.001-07:00I would never throw out a child of any age who was...I would never throw out a child of any age who was living under my roof, but I would try to get her into counseling because she sounds terribly unhappy. <BR/><BR/>Ideally, parenting teaches unconditional love; you don't stop loving your child because he/she has screwed up. I think that "tough love" in this case would be an excuse for a lazy parent who has not done a good job of training her child for independence to get out from under the burden.<BR/><BR/>This could have been avoided if the young woman had been raised as a person with value and also been given increasing responsibility as she matured. She is a case of arrested development because of bad parenting.<BR/><BR/>Shutting out the world with her private music is her way of escaping herself and her unhappiness. She badly needs help, not further condemnation.heartinsanfranciscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07535397382991383931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-4074444443072598922008-10-27T09:55:00.000-07:002008-10-27T09:55:00.000-07:00I completely agree with you. But I wonder if ther...I completely agree with you. But I wonder if there's something about being in that situation that makes it hard to follow through -- at least for some people. <BR/><BR/>My sister is 31, single, no kids. At 18 she decided not to go to college (though my parents would have paid). My parents let her live at home for many years without working. Then they bought her a condo in another city and she's lived there for many years without working, financially dependent on my parents and my stepbrother.<BR/><BR/>For some reason, they just can't bring themselves to cut her off.niobehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10685766216611639434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-68523678312689661322008-10-27T08:48:00.000-07:002008-10-27T08:48:00.000-07:00I did not meet this 24-year-old, but she sounds tr...I did not meet this 24-year-old, but she sounds troubled, not lazy, to me. A little on the autistic side.<BR/><BR/>And it's fine and dandy for me to speak of what I would do in her parents' place, but I'm sure I don't really know the inner reality of the family.<BR/><BR/>Can one take away the iPod of a 24-year-old? Do you disconnect everyone in the household? <BR/><BR/>I can evict a 24-year-old. I can decline to give this person money. How can I rebuild the bridges after that?<BR/><BR/>Moreover, the job market at this moment is not precisely welcoming. They're laying off people with perfectly good skills and experience by the thousands. Not finding a job is credible.<BR/><BR/>Sorry, but I don't agree at all. I think the question needs rethinking.Cecilio Moraleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05283375962527765787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-54694021099092675602008-10-27T06:49:00.001-07:002008-10-27T06:49:00.001-07:00Oh wow ~ what indeed? I'm only 7 years older than...Oh wow ~ what indeed? I'm only 7 years older than that girl... at her age I'd been married for 3 years and had one child. I wasn't working outside the home because I was raising our son. <BR/><BR/>It's hard for me to imagine my sons at that age but I'd like to think I'd done a better job of raising them that they wouldn't be bumming off me at that age. My hope is that my boys will either be performing civil service of some sort or have completed their college educations by that age. Hopefully they'd be well on their way to being contributing members of our society!Amy Yhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06303953793008491241noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-72404287736518656312008-10-27T06:49:00.000-07:002008-10-27T06:49:00.000-07:00Oh wow ~ what indeed? I'm only 7 years older than...Oh wow ~ what indeed? I'm only 7 years older than that girl... at her age I'd been married for 3 years and had one child. I wasn't working outside the home because I was raising our son. <BR/><BR/>It's hard for me to imagine my sons at that age but I'd like to think I'd done a better job of raising them that they wouldn't be bumming off me at that age. My hope is that my boys will either be performing civil service of some sort or have completed their college educations by that age. Hopefully they'd be well on their way to being contributing members of our society!Amy Yhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06303953793008491241noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-54308332647405404892008-10-27T05:08:00.000-07:002008-10-27T05:08:00.000-07:00I believe in even tougher love than you do! At 18...I believe in even tougher love than you do! At 18 I was told I would go to college (which my parents did pay for, as long as I maintained a 3.0 or higher and finished in 4 years) and my husband was told to either get a full time job or join the military (he joined the military and it was a great decision). We both agree that a parents primary purpose is to raise a child who becomes an adult (something very few parents seem to think these days). I feel bad for kids whose parents don't teach them anything or make them do anything: all the parents are doing is setting their kids up for failure.Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03864188943134274344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-64551888208532403922008-10-27T02:52:00.000-07:002008-10-27T02:52:00.000-07:00She sounds like a terribly unhappy person. I don'...She sounds like a terribly unhappy person. I don't know why she's stuck at home, or why she's so antisocial, but I don't think this is the life she wanted or envisioned for herself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-14639651036412584762008-10-26T21:38:00.000-07:002008-10-26T21:38:00.000-07:00If this was limited to "24 and still doesn't have ...If this was limited to "24 and still doesn't have a job", I wouldn't mind so much. I'm from India, and it's perfectly acceptable for people to find jobs at 25 or even a little later in the case of med students. At 24, I expect to be earning, but only because I have to. If i had able-bodied parents, I would probably be lulled into going full-time into a PhD, and bringing home only the stipend. Lots of women here have done that.<BR/>But for a 24-year old to act like a brattish 13-yr old is just NOT acceptable. Period. Earning money is only one side of it. Contributing towards housework, a stable family, social life(that's called "good manners"!) et al is necessary after a certain age. I can't say what i'd do when faced with this person, because if I were her parent or even her sister - she wouldn't get away with being this way in the first place! It would probably be what you're suggesting in this post :)Sukhalokahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08839282055547314024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-33912161756933479392008-10-26T19:13:00.000-07:002008-10-26T19:13:00.000-07:00Chani, I agree with you 100% on everything. 100%!x...Chani, I agree with you 100% on everything. 100%!<BR/><BR/>xxoo, OOliviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06058356843151306428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-39990958939301959862008-10-26T19:09:00.000-07:002008-10-26T19:09:00.000-07:00I would definetly set some boundaries as to what w...I would definetly set some boundaries as to what was expected of them. I certainly would not be supporting their habits. I had a 22 yr old daughter living with me and she was expected to work and pay half the bills. If you live in a household, you are expected to contribute to it.Leannhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03928537274114663807noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34955137.post-11032151149279801272008-10-26T17:55:00.000-07:002008-10-26T17:55:00.000-07:00I completely agree. My mother supports an able-bo...I completely agree. My mother supports an able-bodied 31-year-old son and I have told her that he is going ot be sunk when she dies. And I see a lot of it in my practice - people who have histily dependent adult kids at home. I love my kids insanely, but I wouldn't just let them sponge off me indefinitely.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com