First off, I apologize for the Word Verification. The reason it's there is because of a spammer who was rather relentless and the bot picked up this site, continually posting the same tired ad. It was in some sort of a foreign language and there was nothing else that would stop it. In a week or so, I should be able to remove it.
Now.. my meeting with M which was actually a phone meeting:
We talked for a few hours this past week. It was an enjoyable conversation and showed me in so many ways that we often don't change as much as we think we have. What might feel drastic to us is actually little more than a re-framing.
I am still a free-spirited, freedom-loving, pick-up-and-leave kind of girl, never quite able to shake my gypsy-like existence. I still suffer (literally sometimes) from chronic wanderlust and have never been good at creating roots in any area of my life. My worldview and my lifestyle are subject to change when I feel the need and I probably have an invisible sign around my neck that says "don't tie me down" and "don't tread on me". There's nothing I love more than a new idea. I think in terms of possibilities in a very global sense but give little thought to the minutiea of my own small life. Everything is macro to me. These are traits I've had for a lifetime. I am the queen of the slipstream.
She is not.
M has lived a more conventional life. She's a nurse, far more conservative than me without being right wing or obnoxious. She's just more conventional. Traditional. She's followed a traditional path in her Christianity and she's very well-studied. She's not a lemming. She asks the difficult questions and seeks out the answers. She has three children, all grown now... owns a house in the country, is surrounded by her beloved dogs and a wonderful mate. She's focused and intelligent. Just the way she's always been.
It was a delight to talk with her and I hope we'll talk again. At the same time, I'm not much on living in the past and any relationship we developed now would have to be in the now and based on now. I'm not into nostalgia. There are things back there that I have no interest in revisiting. M knew me when I was a drunk. M knew my mother. She has a memory like a steel trap. I don't. The last thing I want to do is get gummed up in that flypaper. I have always compartmentalized my life.
Then. Now. She said she wanted to have the kind of friendship we had in the past... "joined at the hip"... which caused a fight or flight response in me. I can never be joined at the hip with anyone. The more someone tries to rein me in, the faster I run. The only way to get close to me is to give me the space to choose it myself. I spook easily.
There was curiosity. There was general intel-gathering.
What have you been up to small talk. Cautious maneuvering of an awkward situation for both of us. There wasn't an immediate connection on either side. The truth is, she said, "I'll call you tomorrow" and that was five days ago. I don't think that means I'll never hear from her again. I think it means she needs time to think, has other things going on in her life and decided to put the call off. It's okay. I haven't been sitting by the phone. At the same time, I am completely okay with it if she decides that I am not someone who fits into the life she's designed.
It was still great to have a long talk, catch up and compare notes. Even if we both decide to just move on with our lives, it was a well-spent couple of hours.
~*
Tomorrow is the official beginning of Fall.