Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sacred Contracts

Last weekend, I went to a psychic faire and had a few readings done. These are all "mini-readings", just to get a sense of the reader and how he or she connects.

I met a rather good one named Shannon. She is very good! I'm linking her here because she also does phone readings and email readings. That way, she's not limited to region or location. She's not wretchedly expensive.

Anyway, most of you who read here know I have been living in a less than optimum situation for quite a while. It's not just the constant interruptions and the lack of respect for my personal boundaries, but it is also a mirror of what I've created again and again.

I allow people to depend on me and expect nothing in return. Somehow I've allowed myself to believe that expecting anything in return will corrupt me and is a violation of my belief system which, believe it or not, is the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other sometimes.

Shannon told me that Housemate and I have had a previous lifetime together. During that lifetime, I was her daughter and devoted my entire life to taking care of her. It has carried over to this lifetime. That pattern has continued since I returned from Thailand the first time and rented from her. I'd known her previously through someone who rented from her and recommended her. All told, I've known her since 1997.

The pattern didn't come to full fruition until 2005 when she came down with a horrible case of shingles. I managed everything from her meals to her medication and also ran her errands. I didn't mind at all because I perceived it as not only my duty as a fellow human being but also figured it had a beginning, a middle and an end. She would recover from shingles and everything would return to normal ~ which is simply that I am a tenant, we are pleasant to one another and share minor, casual interactions.

It's been increasing engulfment since that time and I have allowed it to happen. Me. Not her. Me.

That is what I needed to learn. Lately I've backed off quite a bit and no longer remain at her beck and call. I finally got openly angry when she interrupted me in my bedroom which is an unspoken no-no.

The cork was finally put in the Engulfment Jug when she approached me the other day and said, "I guess from now on, you need to ask me if I've left anything in my car." She'd forgotten some purchased groceries overnight and had to throw them away.

My response: "I don't think I want to get that intense."

I noted that she was sitting in her car crying shortly after that conversation.

I didn't feel rotten or lousy. I didn't feel like I had to make it better. I didn't feel .... engulfed.

That contract between us, perhaps established hundreds of years ago, has come to an end. While I have no interest in being cruel to her or unpleasant, I no longer want my life consumed with her life concerns. I have my own.

That is not entirely selfish. It's selfish... but healthy selfish.

According to Shannon, that has been my primary lesson in this incarnation is to learn separation, how to learn to be my own Self while still serving others.

What do you do to avoid engulfment?


Thursday, May 14, 2009

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished....

Saturn says "beep beep" to all who welcomed her. :)

That was so out-of-character for me to write something like that but admittedly, it was fun!

Things are still clogged up around here, more than I like. There are some things I will be able to talk about when I get moved that I can't say much about right now.

I'm still waiting for notice from the housing complex. Waiting lists can be grueling because there's really nothing I can do to speed up the process. It's... um... a waiting list. I wait.

A few weeks ago, I joined Weight Watchers. Honestly? I love the program as far as the method used to determine what foods to eat. I've learned a lot. Their scales are awesome, practically to the ounce, and I like being able to track weight loss in such a precise manner. Even with all my easy-going, old hippie ways, I still like precise-ness.

The thing that makes me half nuts is going to the rah-rah meetings. I couldn't care less about stickers and public recognition. It makes me cringe. I'm too old for that kind of thing and I've never liked childish things. Even as a kid, I cringed at that kind of thing.

The question and answer part is great. That's at the very end. That means I have to sit through the rah-rah stuff if I want to ask questions.

All I can say is this: I'd better lose a ton of weight!

There's something really odd that happened here but it's not something I can discuss too openly on the Internet. It did freak me out though. It has to do with helping take care of an older person and getting turned into Adult Protective Services for it. It wasn't .. um.. the older person's fault. It was her doctor's nurse-practitioner's fault. She was suspicious because I make sure... the older person.. gets all of her medication. Because she's very sensitive to drugs, we've had to split the pills in half so she doesn't get the extreme side effects. The nurse wondered what happened to the other half of the pill. She thought perhaps I was taking them.

I was very angry. It wasn't pretty.

More on that after I've moved. Suffice it to say that very few good deeds go unpunished.