I've been in the desert... and the horse has a name...

28 November 2006 (Thai-bloggers- 28-11-2549)

This one is for Gobody, my blogger pal who is gracious enough to allow me to use his "comments" section as a chat room. :)

You asked about the desert and how I got from there to here.

I should make it clear that I am only half way "here", really. I am not entirely free of the desert yet. I will not be free until I see Thailand through my front window but it is something I process differently. I have grown to respect the cycles of our lives. Tide in/tide out. The fallow times aren't quite so fallow. I also have a clearer understanding of how and why it happened. When it does happen, it might be for a day or two ~ and then it kind of drifts away and things go back to normal. Whenever it comes though, I stand at attention because it means class is in session.

The desert is... complete invisibility. It means no invitations, no phone calls, no birthday cards in the mail, no holiday memories, no dates, no email, no interaction at all with other human beings with the exception of casual, focused conversations that have a goal or objective, usually at my expense. And it's not for lack of trying. It just means you make lots of effort for no return. It means no social support network. It means the possibility of ending up as one of those people who die in their apartment and no one knows it until the rent is due.

It means standing still and taking it when someone comes up and invites others to a gathering, right in front of you as though you are a potted plant.

It means being consistently abandoned and never knowing why.

It means having the feeling deep inside that there is something so intrinsically unacceptable about your very being that no one could possibly have any interest in knowing you. It is complete and utter self-loathing. It is hating who you are at the very core ~ and having no explanation why.

It means you can not depend on anyone, ever, for anything except more disappointment.

It means you just don't matter ~ to anyone.

And it also means that it is not because you are universally disliked or despised.That would be too easy. Living in the desert is like living an enigma wrapped in a puzzle. There are no answers, just feelings. Just desolation. It doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong or there is a cause-effect relationship that you can identify.

It's just.... invisibility.

I lived that way for more than ten years. And there are consequences.

So, fast forward to now ~ I am a reserved person and my friendships are deeply forged and long-lasting. They are not dependent on social conventions. The world is not a friendly or warm place to me but I have a knack for finding the cream of the crop and befriending those people. These days, I honestly believe I have the best friends the world has to offer, both American and Thai.

My first real friend, whom I nicknamed "Sage", is the one who held my hand while I emerged from the cave, shell-shocked and blinded by the light. She is the first person in my life who offered me unconditional love ~ and I do mean unconditional. She stood by me while I learned how to function in the world again and learned that I didn't have to be scared and defensive all the time. She stood by while I learned some very basic things about the social world. Like a mother, she would tell me when to send people cards and when to return phone calls. She guarded me like a Mama Bear, making sure no one could possibly undermine any progress I'd made. She answered all of my questions, no matter how silly, with patience and understanding. To this day, she is my most trusted friend and I will love her until I take my final breath. Even more importantly, I would trust her with my life. She is my family. And she has earned enough karmic merit for ten lifetimes, just for putting up with me. I wasn't always easy. I was angry, defensive, scared and prickly.

Time went along and change began. People took to me a bit more and I made a few more friends. Still, I am very cautious about who I call "friend" because once someone has won that place of trust in my life, they get my whole heart. Those are the people I would tear the shirt off my back for, give my last dime to or walk on coals for. They are the ones I would die for. (Bad sentence but I'm not changing it! :)

The logical question naturally is why I had to walk through the desert.

In my belief, it was karma. It was left-over stuff from a previous life. It was a life not lived well, during which I abused others, took advantage of them, was uncaring, lacked compassion and humanity. Something tells me that I was probably quite a selfish b*tch. In psychological terms, it would be called "sociopath". I was told by a past-life regression hypnotist some of the specifics but I am not going to blog that part of it. It's too private.

One of the primary laws of the cosmos is that actions have consequences. We might escape during this life, but we will not escape the consequences forever. There are certain lessons each soul must learn to go forward. The desert is a crash course. When I came to realize that, my final years in the desert took on a different turn. It became a time of intense learning and self-reflection. It became the time when I would grow leaps and bounds within a matter of weeks.

Some good things came out of the desert of the soul. I am easily able to love others unconditionally. I am very compassionate and empathetic, probably too much so. Judgement of others is something that totally escapes me. It doesn't even make sense to judge another person. It's not a moral issue, it is an intellectual one. My brain will not process judgement, racism or hatred. My needs are fairly minimal and I don't demand from others. In fact, I request nothing more than compassion, honesty and integrity. I offer nothing more than compassion, honesty and integrity.

I don't feel bound by social convention, aside from the conventions I have voluntarily adopted. If I don't like Christmas, I ignore it and don't feel at all odd about it. I do not issue guilt trips. I do not manipulate. Nor do I accept either of those. I'm a simple person. WYSIWYG.

There are some leftover remnants which I'm sure will heal as my life continues. The time in the desert was very traumatizing and I still feel bruising. I am not socially at ease and I'm hypersensitive to rejection. I will grow out of those eventually. Heck, I've only been in the daylight for twelve years. There is still much growing to be done, a lot of learning to be done. I'm looking forward to the process.

Peace to all~


Chani
~*~*