Lessons....

Yesterday was not a good day around here. While I try to avoid bringing that kind of stuff to this site, it holds a larger message.

Charles Eisenstein writes about "The Age of Control", the inherent belief that we have the right to control everything, that nothing should ever inconvenience us or irritate us. It's an extension of the belief that we are separate from nature and that means we have a right to control it for our convenience and benefit. That's the larger picture.

In the small frame, yesterday provided me with a lesson about control. Here's just an overview of what occurred around here.

1) My email was broken all day. Couldn't get my mail to work so I had to spend all my time tracking and trying to make sure things got where they were supposed to go. For the most part, nothing went where it was supposed to go which means I had to keep trying and trying again, only to find out wires were still crossed.

2) Some strange guy came in off the street and for a fleeting moment, I believed we were experiencing a home invasion. The guy finally left and we're okay.

3) Thieves came by during the night and stole two huge potted plants from the front of the house. My housemate was bereft and complaining all day

4) My housemate called her son and discovered he is drinking again. He was drunk by 9.00 a.m.

5) For some unfathomable reason, my housemate believes that I want to hear all about it ~ and not only that, I am supposed to come up with answers to her questions,

6) I could not do one thing without her interrupting me which occurs a lot. One day I counted how many times she interrupts me in a day and it was nearly 20. It doesn't matter if I am reading, on the Internet, gardening or anything else. If I'm present, I am interruptible.

7) One of my housemate's son's friends decided that I needed to be his counselor. I was sitting in the back yard with a book and he interrupted me to tell me all of his issues with women. Every other word started with an 'eff' or "em eff". He told me that when he takes out women, he expects them to "give it up" right away before he takes them out so that he'll know it's "worth my time". Needless to say, he got a severe talking-to from me. I'm at least 20 years older than him and I talked to him as though I am 20 years older than him.

All of these things combined caused me to have something I haven't had in a long time - and that is a panic attack. My head began to pound and the shaking started. The chest pains started. I was short of breath. I really thought my head was going to explode. I couldn't take one. more. thing. No more chaos. No more negativity. No more whining from my housemate. No more frustration from the email. Seriously. I was at the end of my personal rope and there was nothing left to tie a knot.

But... all boiled down.. it was me trying to control my environment. I so needed to control it that I went into my room and shut the door for the remainder of the day. I didn't check my email or talk to anyone in the house.

I needed.. that control.

Somehow I need to learn to roll with these things a bit more - to not get so upset that I am having physical reactions to it.

I'd be curious to hear your thoughts about control... and how much you deal with frustration. It seems to be the weakest link in my personal chain. Frustration.. and my life is, if nothing else, rather consistently frustrating.

So... that's what I'd like to discuss for the weekend. (I will not be posting again until next week.) What are your thoughts on coping with frustration?

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Wellness Wednesday.. Eliminating Pain

This week's Wellness Wednesday isn't about something I've overcome. It's not about something I've learned.

It's about something I'm learning.

I am in pain. Not excruciating pain. Nothing life-threatening or life-defying. Just a dull ache. It' s a dull ache created by the constant frustration of trying to communicate and of not being heard, of not feeling embraced by the world. It is about separation from my soul's home. It's the kind of pain that sits in the abdominal area and churns. It's the kind of pain that makes me question the purpose of my efforts, the purpose of the things I do to try to break through the invisible barrier that seems to separate me from others. I've "done" all the things I know how to do to "fix" it. I'm weary of the effort, of the disappointment, of the genuine absence of the kind of connections I need here and now.

I don't want to be separate anymore - but it can't be "fixed". It's not something that can be immediately alleviated so that I'll be comfortable again. I need to walk through this, wherever it leads.

I have to let go of "trying".

Which brings me to the topic of this post. We've been trained since infancy to believe we shouldn't feel pain, that it should be banished at all costs, no matter what we have to do.

Heaven forbid we should ever be uncomfortable.

We've been fed a pack of lies. The cultural belief (the ultimate dictator) is that pain should be completely eliminated. We go to a doctor to get a pill. We take a drink. We smoke some weed. We go find a temporary sex partner. We watch more TV. We have a right to have it numbed. It leads us to resist the pain when it's present which makes it more intense. But the truth is that pain is unavoidable. Just the process of being born into this world automatically means we will be in pain. There's loss. We get old and sick. We die. People can be disappointing. This is reality.

I think the real suffering comes when we don't allow ourselves to feel the pain, to be with it, to demystify it, when we resist it. We resist it, become resentful and see ourselves as victims.

It's gotten to a stage where most people don't entirely understand the difference between pain and suffering. I am in pain right now. I am not suffering. Suffering comes from the resistance, not from the pain itself.

Perhaps the real objective in experiencing pain is to use the pain as a healer. A true healer doesn't merely eliminate the uncomfortable feelings. He, she or it teaches us how to feel alive with all of our feelings, not just the good ones. We need to let it hurt, see where it leads us and know the sensation is merely a sensation. We won't die if we feel pain. We very well might if we don't allow it.

The point is to come to the full realization that true health means we do feel that aliveness, in pleasure or in pain. Our pain is real and I'm not the sort who will tell anyone that everything is really okay, it's going to be okay - that there will be a happy ending.

The separation from others most of us feel is very real. And it's as bad as we all think it is ~ in fact, it's probably worse.

At the same time, all is well. This is a path we have to experience in order to understand that we are creating it with our choices. We are creating it with false beliefs. If anything, the pain will help us to begin making different choices. At that point, we will all begin to heal.


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Wow... who knew?

I didn't know I had it in me.

When I read all the posts last night about Aaron McCreador, I reacted rather strongly. It was from the gut. From the core.

It's an interesting dynamic that takes place when we care about something to that degree, the way I care about that place and what I've found there. We become protective. We don't want to see harm come to its door.

New for me. That's not something I've experienced before. I like it though. I like the way it feels.

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Some people simply amaze me...

This won't happen here very often but I really need to bring this to the attention of those who read this site and those who may find me through a Google search.

It is not often that I will publicly bring someone to attention. This person has been mentioned on two other blogs and that is how I found out about him.

There is only one word for this man and it is outside the language bounds of this particular blog. Suffice it to say it is a slang term for a bodily orifice that is located in the rear end of most human beings and animals. In fact, that word isn't strong enough. I could think of many more but out of consideration for my readers, I'll leave it to your own imaginations.

For more details on this story, please visit here or here. Both Matt and Tatt2dude have done a good job of providing the basics on the activities of Aaron McCreanor. I just have a few things to say that they have not.

So that you will know what I am talking about, I will quote Tatt2Dude:

Aaron McCreanor is a regular visitor to Thailand. He has a web site and also produces videos of his adventures. Where Aaron differs from many tourists is that he takes pleasure in meeting girls and talking them into having his name tattooed on them whilst filming them being tattooed, at the same time he makes jokes about them out of earshot on his video. He then posts these videos to his website and You Tube. (Video web address and bebo web address)...

I made the mistake of watching the video and was appalled by the callous disregard for two other human beings, even though he thinks they are nothing more than "Thai hoes", undeserving of common human decency.

He laughs and giggles through the entire thing like a 14-year-old boy in the locker room, as though what he was doing was funny, manipulating these women into getting his name tattooed on their bodies. They weren't real people after all. Like most people of his ilk, he sees them as little more than objects who exist for his pleasure.

He takes a great deal of pride in the fact that he will return and continue with these activities.

As we all know, Thailand has a reputation for its s*x industry. There are many reasons why it exists and not the least of it is the plethora of western men who flock there because they believe it is nothing more than their personal playground, nothing more than a place to find cheap rent, cheap booze and cheap s*x.

It is reprehensible and someone has to do something about it. Someone has to take a stand. I'll probably end up being blocked by the Thai government for saying this but.. say it, I will!

It is the responsibility of the Thai government to monitor these men and kick them out of the country. It has a duty to protect its own citizens. There is no way Aaron McCreanor should ever get another entrance visa.

If the situation is ever going to change or improve, someone has to do something. The Thai government has done nothing. They turn a blind eye to these men because they bring money. They allow the exploitation of their own citizens to rake in western mammon. Shame on the government! Shame on them for making it bloody hard for decent people to get a retirement visa but continue to give visas to these young men who have no other goal than to turn the entire country into a tawdry playground.

Deny his next request for a visa. Persona non gratis. Perhaps then people will take the government seriously when they say they want to change Thailand's image.

And you, Aaron McCreanor, are either the maddest person I've ever read about - or you have no concept of acceptable human behavior ~ the latter making you a sociopath.

(Aaron, don't bother leaving your illegible comments all written in weird texting language because I will only delete them. You have no voice here.)

As for the rest of you reading, do you agree that such people should not be allowed in the country? Do you think any person who has shown themselves to be of low character should be kicked out of any country? At what point has someone forfeited his or her right to visit a foreign country?



~Chani
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Okay... chime in on this one....

Recently, I've heard a lot of workplace horror stories. It seems most of these stories are a result of rather barbaric people who so strongly believe in scarcity that they will intentionally do harm to those around them to assure their own security.

They will lie, cheat and backstab in order to secure their own positions, even if it is at someone else's expense. And if that's not bad enough, they are typically rewarded for it through promotions.

The fact that I can't be exposed to those environments is no secret. It literally makes me heart sick. It goes beyond not liking it. It goes beyond finding it distasteful. It is one of the things that can cause me to become enraged.

The idea that people must compete with others to have the right to feed their families is something I will never be able to reconcile. It won't even process through my synapses. I doubt there is anything anyone could say that would change my mind about the amorality of it. My mind is closed like a steel trap.

There are certain things that should be certain for us - for all of us. Affordable housing, an education, health care and a job. That's really not much to ask. It's basic personal maintenance.

Shouldn't we be able to offer that as a humane community? It seems to me that it should be a basic rule in the social contract.

What say you? Do you agree with my fundamental position? If not, why not?

I'm not looking to argue with those who disagree. I will thank you in advance for sharing with me. I'm just curious to discuss this.

I promise to be respectful. :)

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My conclusions...

Many thanks to everyone who weighed in on my last question.

It was a dilemma of sorts because, on one hand, I really need to know when it is time to set boundaries on other people ~ and how. At what point do I have the right to say "no more"? How much do I contribute to separation by allowing my ego to demand certain things of others? Decency, of course. Kindness is what I choose in my friendships and I am drawn to people who are kind. I don't care for inconsiderate, careless or thoughtless people. That's not ego. That's simply respect for my own existence. Being a person of grace doesn't mean that we become doormats for everyone else's bad behavior.

In the case of my mother, I have forgiven her. At the same time, I don't sanction her behavior. I don't choose to have a relationship with her. She may have grown a lot in the past 20 years which is the approximate length of our estrangement. What I do know is that she has never approached me.

I behaved similarly for many years. I was a rather heartless person and didn't show much compassion for other people. That was a direct result of my mother's modeling.

She cost me a lot of years because I didn't know any better. It cost me many years that I could have spent in community and didn't because I was such an unappealing person.

The cycle has to end somewhere. We can show compassion to another person without becoming emotionally involved in the outcome. We can do it without becoming attached. If we know that some action will deliberately hurt someone else, then we contribute to the suffering of all of us.

I will acknowledge her in the same way I would acknowledge any other woman who is a mother. It is not my job to be judge and jury, condemning her to something that I know would be hurtful and damaging not only to her but to the whole human community. That isn't balancing the scales. That's punishment.

She will get an email from me. Basically it will say something like "thinking of you". Nothing more. Nothing less. In that simple gesture, I know I am doing the best I can with a very difficult situation. While I can't be hypocritical and express feelings that are not genuine, I can wish her peace. I wish that for everyone.

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An ethical question....

I have a question for all of you, something I've been grappling with intermittently over the past few weeks.

Anyone who has been reading here knows I do not have a relationship with my mother and why. For those who don't yet know, I'll simply say that my mother was my primary abuser growing up. No need to go into all the details any longer. I no longer have any need or desire to wade through that stygian marsh.

Mothers Day, whether here or in Thailand, is a designated day to honor our mothers. The rituals are different but setting the cultural practices aside, what do you believe is a son's or daughter's obligation to honor his or her mother?

I went through the cards yesterday at Target, trying to find one that would be even remotely appropriate (something like "thank you for giving me life"), just in case I decide to do what my spiritual practice encourages. There was not a single card that felt "real" to me and I didn't buy anything.

The position of my practice is basically that we can always find something to be thankful for. In general, I agree with that. I can thank my mother for giving birth to me and that's authentic enough. Let's face it, I wouldn't be here if she hadn't carried me for nine months.

Being somewhat of a purist, I insist on authenticity. I can not send that woman a sentimental card that says how wonderful she is or that she was always "there" for me. She isn't and she hasn't. This isn't meant to be a slight to her. In this case, it's all about me. It's not about her. But the fact remains that she's getting old and probably only has a few years left to live. Looking at it from that perspective, if my taking the minor action that her culture values (sending a card), perhaps it will help her pass away in peace. When all is said and done, she knows she screwed up. I forgive her but I do not trust her enough to have a relationship with her.

So.. what do you think? Do you believe we have an obligation to honor parents who were abusive? Do you think we should stretch ourselves far enough to find something to thank them for ~ or is it better to just let it go?

(I'll tell you my conclusions before I post next time. :)

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We Are All Special, Just Like Everyone Else...

This topic is getting more complicated as I peel the layers away. It may actually take on a life of its own. :)

I thought about this quote:

Man, I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

(Thanks to Jen for allowing me to use this which is on her blog banner. :)

Putting it into this frame, it raises some good points about individuality, how it is defined and how it manifests.

Recognizing how our individuality manifests in community is fairly easy. We come to know that our individual traits become a part of our immediate community and how we contribute. We forge an identity from that. That, in my opinion, is the core of individuality and how we recognize it in ourselves and others. It is how we find meaning.

But there is an external system that leads us to believe that our individuality is dependent on how we stand out, how we can be different than others, how we can create a peak experience. When we can't find that peak experience, we begin to feel we have no purpose.

Charles Eisenstein says it best in the book I've been pushing lately. He says: "The result is that we lack the means to establish a strong identity. No one knows our story. Human beings have always defined themselves in great part through their relationships with others, building a common story defining each of its actors. Now these stories have splintered themselves into tiny four person units [...] Unlike the small village or tribe, where everyone knew your story and you knew everyone else's you had a context to create a solid story of self. Today we interact day-in and day-out with outsiders. We maintain our private lives and know little of the lives of [others]."

This is a result of money-based culture, the commoditization of time and relationships. This isn't just about the little pieces of paper that represent specific amounts of value. It's not about money, per se. It is about monetizing. It is about seeing energy as investment. It is about seeing our lives as increments of time which must be used for production and results. Interaction has become focused on what we can get, what we need and what investment (energy) we must exert to "make our dreams come true."

This attitude causes our interactions to become superficial and hollow. That is what brings about the "Blink" response as we immediately evaluate how an Other may be part of our goal or not part of it. Our limbic instinct for survival and the ability to determine safe from unsafe has become perverted. Individuality is lost in a sea of unrealistic expectations. That, again, makes us question our importance as individuals.

Realistically, in my opinion, until we give up the fantasies of what we should be and what others should be, we'll remain in this position. Nothing will ever be enough. Finding our own individuality starts with accepting others as they are. It comes with accepting that fantasies are fantasies for a reason. It comes with accepting that all of us are fundamentally good beings who are fine, just as we are.

Consumer culture will continue to take something we already have and sell it back to us. It will convince us that fantasies are reality and that if we just own the right things and know the right people, we will achieve the peak experience of "finding ourselves." Just buy my book and I'll hand you the answers on a half shell. But it's a lie. There is no book and the knowledge is free.

We're already found.

We're already valuable.

We're already special. We are special to the people whose lives we touch, however lightly, and we are special because we are human beings with all of our good points, our bad points, our questioning, our inherent desire to share (each in our own way) and our inherent capacity to love.

But we have to learn to frame that differently than the culture has framed it for us.

Am I making some sense here?


(More to come. There's a lot more to peel back on this topic.)
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