Women and virtual community....

I wanted to follow up a bit more on yesterday's post about community, prompted by Jen at One Plus Two who writes:

"But I do know I long for a sacred place - where women come together, to debate, to heal, to grieve, to flow. A place where our truest selves can be put forth and honored like the incredible gifts they are. Where our idiosyncracies can be discussed and cherished. Where many women love my child....

And while I long for that place, I find tremendous joy in the blog world, the place where I have more honest exchanges with others than I often have in person...."

Is this possible in the virtual world, as it is in our immediate lives?

Aaaah. With a bit of reservation, I would say "possible".

I came on the Internet in 1991 when my ex-husband and I bought a phone modem, the old kind that required us to put the mouthpiece of the phone into a cup and dial in to the Delphi service. At that time, the Internet was primarily for academics and geeks who exchanged data and information on forums. There was very little personal communication. That atmosphere didn't last long.

Later that year, I was given internet access at work. I worked in the Information Technology Dept at a large company and the whole idea of having access was new. At that time, we used newsgroups. Everything from alt.culture.iceland to alt.s*x.b*ndage was at our fingertips. These all became lively, often contentious, forums where opinions overrode academia. It was exciting to sit in the middle of the night in a data center at Hewlett-Packard and talk to a guy in Iceland almost instantaneously. Things were still painfully polite then... although that didn't last long. As it became clear that the Internet was the wild, wild west, it was easy to see people acting out whatever issues they had in public. They could curse others, They would express opinions that would not have been acceptable in polite company and that was the Internet's pre-adolescent phase.

As the medium developed further, we had mailing lists. Majordomo software allowed large groups of people to discuss anything in a semi-private setting via e-mail. It was a very pleasant way to find others of like mind and exchange regular email. We used "Elm" and "Pine" as email clients. There were no graphical interfaces.

Then came the world wide web, yahoogroups, more mailing lists, forums, personal "home pages" and, finally. blogs. GUI continued to develope and anyone, not just geeks, had access to mass communication.

In watching this over the years, I've concluded that very similar dynamics occur in cyberspace as in any voluntary community. It went through a honeymoon phase, an adolescent phase, a maturing process and now is a combination of all, depending on the individual user. The technology was available but the quality of interaction still depended on each individual and how she chose to behave on-line.

One of my best friends is a woman I met on-line. Ultimately, we met personally and have maintained a friendship since 1996. She is "family", probably one of the few people I trust unconditionally. She is the person who holds my medical proxy. However, I think this is unusual.

In 1998, I witnessed one of the most vicious catfights in my personal history on-line among a group of women who gathered ostensibly to create a "women's community on-line". Going back to my earlier statement about people working out their "issues" in a nearly-anonymous venue comes to mind. These women were truly among some of the most vicious human beings I have ever observed. Like a pack of cur dogs, they turned on one woman and tore her up.

Why?

Because they could.

The entire event was like a train wreck. It was disgusting and difficult to watch ~ and I also couldn't not observe. The relative anonymity and lack of accountability on-line allowed these women to act out their basest instincts and behaviors without any risk of consequences.

It didn't ruin the internet for me... or the ideal of women's community. If that was the case, I wouldn't be paying Comcast an ungodly amount of money every month, not to mention what I pay to Earthlink. I'm here for the foreseeable future. But still, it did show me what is possible, just as my friendship with S**** showed me what is possible.

Trust ~ real trust ~ is formed through knowledge of another person in all settings. It is based on knowledge of a person's values and how she lives them. How does it manifest in her life on a daily basis, especially when external life sucks?

We can admire someone's writing, her ideas, her maturity, her wisdom, her *being* on the Internet. We can form a community of likeminded others who exchange ideas and thoughts. It is a venue where we can air out issues and get input from those wiser and more knowledgeable than ourselves. We can offer encouragement and comfort to someone who needs it. We can educate each other.

We can not be "friends" in the truest sense of that. How can I be your friend ~ but be unable to cook for you when you are sick... or hold your hand at a scary doctor's appointment... or babysit your child when you need time away.... or loan you money to get by for the next few weeks? How can I be your friend when I can not truly offer more of me than pixels on a screen?

That doesn't mean we can't be honestly concerned about one another. I have internet contacts in whom I am wholly invested. I care what happens for these people... and that caring doesn't go away just because the screensaver comes on.

Still, as Jen writes, we are able to exchange wisdom and knowledge, empathy and compassion. Sometimes we are able to offer some life-changing nugget to someone who is ready to hear it.

That is an element of community-building... an important element.. but it will never be a substitute for the "real thing".


Peace,


~Chani

~*~

Comment about "comments": I understand that some people have been unable to leave comments here due to a glitch in the Blogger software and the beta/non-beta dogfight. It seems to be a chronic rather than temporary issue. On this blog at least (which is beta), comments can be left anonymously or by signing in as "Other". They are not moderated. I hope that will work. I really miss some of you who used to leave your nuggets of wisdom to ponder.