No, this is not my hiney!First off, and most importantly, I want to thank everyone who answered my post yesterday about comments. You have given me some perspective and I feel much better about the whole thing.
Unfortunately, one of the legacies of growing up under my mother's care is a vicious perfectionist streak. Try as I might to let it go, this is one of my "therapy issues". No matter how hard I try to stop, I often feel like a failure. That is why occasionally someone will come back and find a post deleted or some other glaring example that will display this raging fever I can't seem to break. It is an instinctive reaction to hide my "failures" and conceal the pain they cause me.
Patricia, in her comment, hit on something that I'd not wanted to think about (but needed to). Her comment that "the pretty girls" get invited to the party felt like a knife in my gut because I was never the "pretty girl". That is probably the origin of the perfectionism, heightened by my mother's constant reminder that she would certainly not give birth to a mere mortal with human flaws.
I wanted to be one of the "cool ones" but never discovered the secret password. It didn't happen and it's time for me to get over it. I know that ... and I will. One way or another....
Meanwhile ~ like an addict ~ I will force myself to stop deleting posts that don't have enough comments to prove I'm "cool" (in my twisted perception) and I will come back and read these comments again whenever I get into that frame of mind. No. I'm not joking. I've archived them.
"Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over... "
Oh, kee nohk! Wrong group. Never mind.
Anyway, one more thing. I'd like to share a resource here that some might find useful.
I have a weight problem. I'm not obese .. yet ... but have fears that it could happen if I don't take charge of it. While blog-surfing one day, I found this . A blogger, Mom-O-Matic, has gathered a group of women who will report their weight loss weekly and share diet tips along the way. Since support is always a Good Thing, take a look and sign up. :)
As for my first step, beginning yesterday, I am off the Diet Coke. Quitting booze was easier.
Thanks again for your comments. They were all tremendously helpful.
Peace,
~Chani
17 comments:
:-O How did you get a photo of my behind? Okay, that wasn't me, my hair is blonde/grey.
Thanks for the link. I know the struggle well. I was fairly fit most of my life. My mom became ill, we all pitched in to help and my rigid exercise schedule fell to the wayside. I gained many, many pounds. I am still fighting to lose them.
YGG, from another of the Future MILFs!
Soda isn't my downfall but little "sweet treats" are.
And a big amen from another perfectionist.
As for comments...
Honestly, you have gotten more comments in a single post than I think I ever have. I don't know that I've ever had more than 15, not even on a pos that got a perfect post award. On that one I got 13---which includes at least two by me---and that's pretty much a record high for me.
I admit I am bummed if I get zero comments, and am happy with 2 or more. Sometimes I don't understand why a blog like Raymi gets 8 billion hits with hundreds of comments, or why Dooce is Queen of the Blogosphere (she's good, but *that* good?). So, yeah, I have to do a little reflection...why do I do this, what is my motive, and what do I seek?
If I say it often enough it might become true that I only do it to improve my writing and have an outlet for all those voices in my head. ;)
But also, wow, every time I turn around I find another fabulous blog that really interests me and I realize, there is so much out there competing for our attention. I make it through my list of bookmarked blogs (of which you are of course one) about once a week.
So don't delete.
You wrote what you did for a reason, which I suspect was actually for you.
But also know that someone does understand.
I was never one of the cool ones either, but it has been my experience that many of the "in" crowd felt that their appearance and coolness were all they needed. They were prettier, shaplier and sometimes smarter, but they were shallow. Of course, I didn't realize it then.
The rest of us had to work harder and bear their disdane, all the while learning things about the world and our place in it that they will never know or understand. Who's cool now?
Since you already know not to worry too much about how you are preceived, I won't say it.
Don't stress about comments. I go through phases where I don't comment on any of the blogs I read for a month. I don't think it has anything to do with content.
Also, it just doesn't matter. I mean, you clearly have a group of people who enjoy reading what you write (me included), is it your goal that a million people read it? I doubt it.
So lighten up and get over it. (and I say that with absolute kindness!)
Cheers
I missed the discussion yesterday! Where was I? on Mars? But I'm glad I got caught up because I was having a conversation with a nonblogger about my lack of comments at lunch today. She asked me if I minded that I only got a couple comments here and there. I really don't-I can understand how it could make a person feel left out. I like comments but if I get zero-I'm fine with that. I read alot of blogs but don't always leave a comment because I don't want the recipient to feel obligated to visit mine. Plus sometimes I feel like I'm knocking on someone's door asking for sugar. I used to want so badly to be the cool girl in my teens but in my quest to be 'her' I ended up doing things, wearing things, saying things that just weren't me.
Don't delete! I never could undertand perfectionism.
Reading yesterday's post made me realize I probably should let people know how much I appreciate the window into their world.
Good luck getting healthy.
Don't delete!
Alot of us are lurkers~ I only comment if I can think of something witty...not now obviously!
I have an international counter that I use as my gauge on life. Drop in some time!
That picture has got to be from Wal-mart in Alabama.~:o
I'm not the pretty girl either, but i am beautiful. :)
I think that some of the very popular bloggers are popular because of "The Tipping Point" (interesting book by the way) being reached. People like to be a part of what there is to be a part of. Let us be not lemmings.
Chani, I was just going to let this go, but, on second thought, my response might be helpful.
I've been aware for many years that one of our country's most accepted prejudices is against persons of size. I have many friends who struggle with this issue. Not the weight itself as much as their internalized hatred of themselves for carrying more weight than our culture "permits."
I blame adverising for setting impossible--and unhealthy--standards as to what is the "ideal" size, for women especially. And if one falls into the cultural trap of watching a lot of TV, it's hard not to take it in, even if the sound is muted during the ads.
There they are, skinny young women with their white white teeth and flat flat tummies. The only people I know who look like that in real life are either 14 years old or sick or anorexic.
Like diverse colors, why aren't we allowed to be of diverse sizes? And why would the woman in the photo you post be considered to have a "bodacious behind"? We don't know her story and if we did, I expect her size would make perfect sense.
As you can see, this is an issue that concerns me deeply. How I wish we could all accept ourselves EXACTLY as we are.
Patricia,
I wanted to answer you right away. I will also copy this to your private email in case you don't see the response here.
I agree with you... 1000%! It is the latest socially-sanctioned prejudice. And it is a deeply-ingrained one.
Before I decided to lose weight, I gave this serious thought, to make sure that I wasn't giving into the cultural norms.
Screw the culture! I am doing it for my health. My knees hurt. They never did before. There are also health risks that I want to avoid such as diabetes and so on.
Do I believe on some level that I might be doomed to loneliness if I remain at my current weight?
Yes. A little bit. I'm sick and tired of being invisible. I'm tired of having people assume that I am stupid because I am 50 pounds overweight. Or that I am uneducated ~ or "low class" or any of the other assumptions made about those who aren't pencil-thin. I am tired of the guff and crap I take, spoken or unspoken.
And this prejudice also exists in Thailand. It's ugly.. but true. The women who get attention, the women who get noticed, the women who get respect, the women who are loved ~ are the thin little Thai girls.
I agree with you completely that we should be able to co-exist. That it would be so! I can guarantee you that I will not intentionally lose even one more pound than is necessary to assure me of a healthier old age.
How does one battle such a prejudice?
Peace,
~Chani
I wonder whether the cyber world is not even more cruel than the real one.
To write is to be vulnerable and to take risk.
A friend told me tonight that he had read part of my blog, and he added "I thought you were an introvert" To what I replied :"Yes I am, but not when writing" He said "But do you realize that your words are read in the whole world?" I thought in myself that 1 the whole world cannot read French and 2 that, finally I didn't care. I suppose he has been shocked because in two lines I wrote a fun story about old furniture, and what happened when we fall down from our high old bed from my great grant aunt during some interesting activities with my husband , and all the blankets and clothes with us, plus some aching arms and shoulders, plus a good laugh. And I ended by quoting a TV report where it was said that love after 5O was not banned. I guess he found it quite immodest. And I thought again about taking risk when one reveals part of one's life.
I wanted also notice that to leave a comment is not always that easy, when you see there is sort of a fan club of aficionados and you feel like a stranger. the same happens on some lists or forums where you can see a couple of people arguing, and when you try to enter the conversation, if you dare be a little critical, you are killed all right with the worst cruel words who can be said.
So I wondered why people can be even more cruel in this cyber world ? because they are unpunished ?
All this to tell you that I find here a place of peace.
I love the picture! That's how I felt I looked until I saw some recent pictures of me from behind and realized that my behind was the one area I wasn't--ahem--heavy...which looks really wierd. Anyhoo, the big-bottomed pic made me smile!
I didn't comment on your "comment" post because, truthfully, I was a little intimidated by how many people did, and what great and wonderful things they said. Tough act to follow. This was what I was going to say, though: I feel like a loser, too, when I don't get comments. See? Not very helpful, or inspirational. Maybe that's why I only average three comments a post? ;-)
Well, I'm with the Future MILFs, too, so I'll be seeing you around!
I was also thinking tonight that not everyone will make daily visits. On the rare occasion that I have put up a worthwhile blog, I have sometimes chosen not to post another for a few days, so that when people get back to me, they will tend to read the one that I want. And sometimes the cycles are wrong. For example: weekends can be a bad time to post a good blog.
BTW, my point wasn't that replying to comments was not a good thing to do. It is, but the Blogger method is not conducive. When you comment, the host should have your email addy. To me, that's how it should be done if you want to follow up. Remembering to go back and read comments to comments is not a good method. But it's the only one we have -- at least for many bloggers. TG for those who are willing to list an email address. The addy that I happily and publically list on Blogger receives far less s**m than my more personal address. They seem to have good filters to discourage the addy collectors.
And ... like a true addict, I have quit Diet Coke any number of times. But I always start up again because in light of all of the possible vices out there, this one is pretty innocuous. This time, I'm trying to cut down to two -- on most days.
Thanks for your honest and open response to my comment, dear Chani.
This issue of sizism is really imporant, in my opinion. And it especially affects and targets women.
You ask how to change this deepseated prejudice.
Just being conscious that it exists is a first step. Then finding others who are also struggling with it is a good second step. I googled "sizism" and came up with what looks like a good resource page for women. The URL is
http://dpsinfo.com/women/resources/sizism.html
None of us is immune from its pull, no matter what our size. But the most dangerous manifestation of this prejudice is how most of us have internalized its message. We do ourselves great damage that way.
But change is possible. We just have to take the first step.
Is that real or is she sitting on a tractor?
With all respect for people of every size, I think we all need to lighten up on the weight issue.
The weight of our thoughts and heart-impulses will always be more important than how big our butts are.
Soda...I'm addicted to the real deal holyfield...Coca-Cola. Supadupa horrible.
I've been on the wagon since Friday. It's in the house. It's in the car. I'm simply not drinking them. I have no idea where this is coming from, but it gives me HOPE.
Post a Comment