Regaining Balance....

Things are looking up, regaining balance.

Something happened yesterday afternoon that threatened the possibility of my swearing off humanity, at least until I get to Thailand.

I went over to Target to buy something. It's good for my 30-minute walk and the weather was rather extraordinary yesterday. A hint of spring.

For the first time I can recall, I got a negative reaction from a stranger.

Seriously. This simply doesn't happen!

I stood in line minding my own bee's wax and a woman close to my age was next in line. I began the process of taking stuff out of my cart to place it on the check-out belt.

Out of nowhere, unprompted by me, she said, "What's that on your wrist?"

Perhaps she was fearing that I was another Brittany. Who knows? I wasn't buying any shears though ... just boring stuff like Lean Cuisine, green tea and toilet paper. You know, nothing worthy of her attention.

I chose to ignore her question. It really wasn't something I felt necessary to address with her.

She actually grabbed my wrist to look more closely!

My eyes must have gotten as wide as saucers as I pulled my hand away. I wasn't angry, just shocked that anyone would do something like that.

"Thailand? What is that supposed to mean?"

Uncharacteristic of me, I snapped back at her with a terse, "Is it of some concern to you?"

"I just wondered why someone would do something so stupid."

Again, I was rendered momentarily speechless. I just looked at her and for the second time in too short a period of time, I responded with "I don't even know how to respond to that."

I also said that to the "Birthday Boy" (thanks, Doodee :) a week ago, almost to the hour.

She gave me a look that could have curdled milk and turned her attention back to her own shopping. I could physically feel her disgust.

I went on about my business, thankful that she'd turned her attention elsewhere. I am not one for ugly scenes in public places. I paid for my stuff and left. Jai yen. Jai yen.

~*

On the walk home, I realized that I have started to draw negativity. There have been a few minor incidents over the past week or so that are out-of-whack. Ordinarily, I always meet nice people and have pleasant experiences ... nearly all the time! It's obvious that when we create the same experiences repeatedly, we are supposed to be learning something. I needed to pay attention.

Once home, I made a cup of tea and went to sit in the back yard. It was time to figure out how to turn this thing around.

I did some deep thinking, trying to understand why I was holding on to negativity of my own which would then draw it from others. After reflecting a bit, I realized that I was still angry at the "birthday boy".

Then came the question of what to do about it. Call him? Give him a piece of my mind?

That would be like playing the violin for a water buffalo. The guy wouldn't understand a word of it. How do you explain "objectification" to someone who has the insight of a garden snake? How could I possibly explain that while his comments weren't directed to me personally, they were often so disrespectful of women that I blamed myself, figuring I must be misunderstanding him?
How do you explain to someone with the intellect of a bottle of Coke that the inner rage of many women over the ages has been caused by that very attitude ~ that it is somehow our duty and destiny to exist solely for the physical pleasure of men?

Not my job.

That is what I decided.

It's not my job to educate him. It's my job to protect myself and other women from it as much as possible. And it's my job to let it go. His lessons are not mine and I don't have to "save" him from the consequences of his own beliefs and behaviors. I made a conscious decision to refuse to carry around garbage from other people's poor attitudes, ignorance or personal growth issues. I have to trust the universe, God, karma ... however you choose to conceptualize it... to deliver other people's lessons to them in its/his/her way.

I ritualized that process to a degree in the back yard last night. His name is now written on a slip of paper which will have a place of honor on my krathong when that time of year comes.

This morning, I feel like a weight has been removed from my consciousness. Today is a stunningly beautiful day, cool but sunny, a little taste of spring and I spent it in the garden. Weeding.



Peace,

~Chani