Turning it inside out....

Silence reigns since bell tolled the hour last.
An outcast, here I camp by hillside,
Driven from love and home, for a time
To abide under the stars and the dew.
As if stricken by the cold pall of death,
Winter's breath spares far and so few,
What with wind, rain splash all anew,
I can't be among the few to be spared.
All these pains I bear with fortitude,
No abuse on nature, to be fair.
But love's pains all refuse so to bear.
Men swear by the gods to disown.
-Seni Pramoj

I seem to be using this blog to create some chronicle of my transformation over the past few years.

In some ways, that's a good thing ~ and in others, not so good. The good overrides the bad, though. Mostly, I'm concerned that words will not fill in the cracks and essence of what this is truly like.

I'm amazed at how the transformation has manifested in my physical being as well as all other facets. Recently, an acquaintance took some photographs and I looked at them with a degree of surprise.

Previously, I always had a "hard" appearance. There was a brittle outer shell that was thick and angular. To say my appearance screamed "unapproachable" would have been a gross understatement. I think I looked like a person who had shut down completely, someone who was hidden in a deep cavern within, a cavern with moats and alligators ~ a place no one else could reach. I wouldn't allow it.

It wasn't attractive.

Now the sharp edges seem to be more rounded. I am amazed at how my face has a heart-shaped look to it. It never did before.

My steps are smaller, less purposeful, less aggressive. It's as though my feet refuse to step on the earth with the same "stomp" that was typical of the past. I remember being constantly admonished to 'slow down'. Now I am admonished to 'speed up'.

Last night, I listened to a radio show at bedtime. Dick Sutphen, the author of many New Age books was interviewed. He gave a good overview of reincarnation, karma, past lives and discussed the regressions he has done. He talked about how having answers about the past often gives his clients a more complete understanding of their lives now.

I can easily see how this would be.

Turn on the Twilight Zone music because I am about to say something that certainly sounds "out there" by current pragmatic standards.

There are times when I can almost feel the Asian Thai woman I once was. I don't know anything about her or her day-to-day life in the practical sense. I don't know where she lived in Thailand. I don't know if it was "Thailand" yet ~ or still Siam. But I just know her. There are times when I almost feel the two of us integrating into the obviously Caucasian Thai woman I am today. Sometimes I think this must be similar to a transgender experience. My body does not match my insides ~ but it causes me absolutely no pain or anguish. I don't dislike my body or feel alienated by it. I know our bodies don't define us, that our bodies are the shells we use, something material, something with form, to house our souls. "Thai-ness" has no relation to physical appearance, even though my own physical appearance has begun to change with the influence. It's subtle. It's a series of small movements. It is the inside that shapes the outside.

It's difficult for me to explain to anyone else what it was like to be as lost as I once was, to not feel any sense of connectedness to the world or my environment. It's not something that lends itself to words because it is a feeling. It's too experiential.

It's an experience I no longer have. Once I set foot in that little country, there would never be that kind of disconnection again. A connection took place there that completely transcends the physical or intellectual.

I am tempted at times to contact someone like Dick Sutphen, just to find out if there are any documented cases of this very thing I have experienced over the past three or four years.

It would be interesting to know.


Peace,

~Chani