Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Turning it inside out....


Silence reigns since bell tolled the hour last.
An outcast, here I camp by hillside,
Driven from love and home, for a time
To abide under the stars and the dew.
As if stricken by the cold pall of death,
Winter's breath spares far and so few,
What with wind, rain splash all anew,
I can't be among the few to be spared.
All these pains I bear with fortitude,
No abuse on nature, to be fair.
But love's pains all refuse so to bear.
Men swear by the gods to disown.
-Seni Pramoj


I seem to be using this blog to create some chronicle of my transformation over the past few years.

In some ways, that's a good thing ~ and in others, not so good. The good overrides the bad, though. Mostly, I'm concerned that words will not fill in the cracks and essence of what this is truly like.

I'm amazed at how the transformation has manifested in my physical being as well as all other facets. Recently, an acquaintance took some photographs and I looked at them with a degree of surprise.

Previously, I always had a "hard" appearance. There was a brittle outer shell that was thick and angular. To say my appearance screamed "unapproachable" would have been a gross understatement. I think I looked like a person who had shut down completely, someone who was hidden in a deep cavern within, a cavern with moats and alligators ~ a place no one else could reach. I wouldn't allow it.

It wasn't attractive.

Now the sharp edges seem to be more rounded. I am amazed at how my face has a heart-shaped look to it. It never did before.

My steps are smaller, less purposeful, less aggressive. It's as though my feet refuse to step on the earth with the same "stomp" that was typical of the past. I remember being constantly admonished to 'slow down'. Now I am admonished to 'speed up'.

Last night, I listened to a radio show at bedtime. Dick Sutphen, the author of many New Age books was interviewed. He gave a good overview of reincarnation, karma, past lives and discussed the regressions he has done. He talked about how having answers about the past often gives his clients a more complete understanding of their lives now.

I can easily see how this would be.

Turn on the Twilight Zone music because I am about to say something that certainly sounds "out there" by current pragmatic standards.

There are times when I can almost feel the Asian Thai woman I once was. I don't know anything about her or her day-to-day life in the practical sense. I don't know where she lived in Thailand. I don't know if it was "Thailand" yet ~ or still Siam. But I just know her. There are times when I almost feel the two of us integrating into the obviously Caucasian Thai woman I am today. Sometimes I think this must be similar to a transgender experience. My body does not match my insides ~ but it causes me absolutely no pain or anguish. I don't dislike my body or feel alienated by it. I know our bodies don't define us, that our bodies are the shells we use, something material, something with form, to house our souls. "Thai-ness" has no relation to physical appearance, even though my own physical appearance has begun to change with the influence. It's subtle. It's a series of small movements. It is the inside that shapes the outside.

It's difficult for me to explain to anyone else what it was like to be as lost as I once was, to not feel any sense of connectedness to the world or my environment. It's not something that lends itself to words because it is a feeling. It's too experiential.

It's an experience I no longer have. Once I set foot in that little country, there would never be that kind of disconnection again. A connection took place there that completely transcends the physical or intellectual.

I am tempted at times to contact someone like Dick Sutphen, just to find out if there are any documented cases of this very thing I have experienced over the past three or four years.

It would be interesting to know.


Peace,

~Chani



9 comments:

QT said...

I think what you wrote is very profound and not strange at all. If only half of the population could find that connection and have peace what a much nicer world this would be.

Ginnie said...

Chani: I can't relate to your feelings but I can certainly say that if it is working for you... hold onto it. Anything, no matter how strange, that can change us for the better is worth working on and continuing. Good luck with it.

MsLittlePea said...

There is nothing twilight zone about what you wrote. I read a book about a woman who had a similar experience. I don't remember who wrote it-hope I still have it. I'll have to dig through my boxes of books to find out.

Laurie said...

The search for inner peace takes each one of us to different places, within and without. I don't find this post strange at all.

jen said...

i can't wait for you to get there.

and i am w/ QT. it's profound.

and i know that you know how deep i already think you tap into things, tangible and otherwise.

this post left me wanting more.

meno said...

I wonder if it really matters if other people have had this experience. You are having it and that is valid enough.

Of course it would be interesting to see what they did about it too.

Pam said...

The journey to inner peace is complex and personal. And beautiful no matter the path taken.

Thailand Gal said...

QT, thanks for understanding. I know I can definitely get "out there" sometimes with my Thailand stuff. There are just no words, really, to express how much it has improved my life. :) It would be a much nicer world if everyone had a "Thailand". I couldn't agree more!

~*

Ginnie, I get you. Not everyone has these weird experiences. Maybe I just need medication. LOL . Seriously though, you're right. It takes what it takes.

~*

MsPea, I know I've read similar stories. Most of them involve direct memories of some sort, coming in dreams. There are also a few reincarnation stories that involve someone actually researching and finding documentation about the previous life. Jeez, can you imagine how much simpler that would be now that we have the Internet?

~*

Laurie, thanks. I know some people find it exceedingly annoying to hear me yammer on about being "a blue-eyed Thai girl", etc., but it is very, very real to me.

~*

Jen, oh... I'm sure there will be more. This is an ongoing process. I'm not done yet. Someone suggested that this will one day end up being a book when I get older, probably when I actually live in Thailand and have my life established.

It might.

If anything, it proves to me that we *can* choose our own socialization ~ and we can choose again if we choose wrong the first time.. or even the second.

~*

Meno, it's not necessary to know there are others ~ but it sure would be interesting.. and sort of comforting in an odd way, to know there are others who have experienced this.

People re-socialize themselves all the time. You know, the whole ex-pat thing.. immigration.. people do end up adopting new cultures. That's not a big thing. It's the absolute, iron-strong connection I have to T-land that is so utterly confounding. Seriously... twenty years ago, I couldn't have found the place on a map. Now I've dedicated my life to it.

~*

Pam, thanks. It does have a certain beauty. Choice is always beautiful.. and so is discovery.

~*

Thanks, everyone :)

Peace,

~C

Penny said...

I would be extremely interested to know. Your experience is fascinating and I've never heard anything about anything like it before.

I am very happy you are at peace with it.