Sociopaths....

Up until a year ago, my housemate and I lived here pretty comfortably. We're both pleasant and we also help each other out a lot with a variety of things. We're kind to each other. That's the unspoken contract. She owns the house and I rent the mother-in-law unit.

A year ago, her (*50-year-old ~ added for clarification) son moved here from Southern California. He hit a rough spot and came back here to get himself together, get sober and begin a new life. On the surface that sounds like a great idea. My housemate asked my opinion and I gave it. I think it's worth doing. I'm all about second chances.. and even third chances. Some of us are slower than others ~ and I'm no paragon of perfect life management. I've had my third and even fourth chances.

I go overboard on these things... family support.. the idea of families always "being there". After all, I come from a family where one half-sister was thrown out on the street because she had an addiction problem, was hooking for a living, developed AIDS and died. The reaction in the family? "It was her own choice." They didn't even give her a memorial service. No grief. Just judgement. My family of origin is a pretty sick bunch of people. No model there. Nothing to look back on and say "this is a good way to handle it."

It's been a year now since V showed up. During that year, he has done absolutely nothing to help himself. He's manipulative. He's stolen money from his mother. He lives off her credit cards. If he doesn't get his way, he gets drunk and causes problems. He honestly believes he is entitled to the best of everything. So far, he's never been violent but he's tearing his mother to shreds emotionally. I see it. He's charismatic and charming. It's easy for him to emotionally manipulate the people around him.

Except me. I see through him like a pane of glass.

He's drained D. financially. She's gone into debt to the tune of $20,000 in one year. It's V's impulsive spending that's doing it. She should be retiring and can't. He has no conscience about it. It doesn't bother him in the least. My opinion, as awful as this sounds, is that he is hanging around waiting for her to die.

It's unlikely that V has the internal resources to be kicked out on the street without any resources. I believe he might commit suicide. He's not a stable guy. I think doing that would likely push him to violence.

I've tried to provide as much emotional support as possible for D, although that's not something I am good at by nature. I'm more about fixing, less about head-patting or sympathizing. Also, after this much time without any substantial change, there's really nothing more I have to offer her.

V. was asked by his therapist (if you can call him that) to select three people to come in for a session. He chose D, his girlfriend and me. (If this sounds like same song, different verse... yes.. it is. We did something like this last summer as well.) Our job was to give the therapist our view of what's happening. He asked each one of us to state our opinions.

I summed it up in one phrase. "I think he's either the maddest person I've ever met or he has no concept of acceptable human behavior ~ the latter making him a sociopath."

Verbatim. That's what I said. And that's what I believe. If it walks like a duck.. etc. If most of us look at the people we've known in the past, there's probably a sociopath or two there. They're not all that difficult to recognize. They simply don't give a damn how their actions affect others. They have no impulse control. They are like hurricanes that whip through people's lives and leave Katrina-level damage.

My question for the parents out there (or anyone who has an opinion, for that matter) is this: At what point is enough, enough? D's a mom. I get that ... but does there come a point where it's time to throw in the towel, to accept that someone is a lost cause?


Peace,

~Chani