Sunday, May 06, 2007

Follow-up on Why I Stay....


Thanks for all the comments yesterday on "Why I Stay". I appreciate so much that so many people took their time (on a Saturday at that!) to give me some thoughts on this.

Many of them were right on target and that is what has prompted this post.

I wanted to go a bit further with it, maybe because I need to make a few things clearer than I did yesterday.

For one thing, D and V are both very "western culture". It's all about self-interest and their comfort. It's about money. I know that. In other words, I understand the risk inherent in what I am doing. If I became inconvenient to them for some reason or they decided to sell the house, move a relative in or any number of things, I would be out. My loyalty would not be returned. I absolutely, positively know that.

I get that. Totally. To have other expectations, given the culture I am living in right now, would be unrealistic.

There are also things that could make me leave. Example: If D raises the rent, I'm out of here. I am already paying 70% of my monthly income on rent.

For now... I'm staying because I can and because it's the right thing to do. At the root of all of this is my trying to do the right thing and, as someone mentioned, not be stupid about it.

I can find another place to rent. In fact, lately I've been considering moving to a lower cost part of the country because I am going to need certain funds available to get to Thailand and I live on a fixed income.

Those are just realistic things that have to be considered.

Still, when I do leave here.. which I will one day ~ either by default or on purpose ~ I leave knowing I did the right thing by them. I lived my principles in the best way I know how.

In the end, all I can do is live the way I think is right, treat people the way I believe is right and go from there. I can't be responsible for how they respond to it.

And... I am very open to suggestions on lower-cost-of-living areas.

Right now, it looks like Payson, Arizona is my best bet... unless I hear of something better.


Peace,


~Chani

12 comments:

Susanne said...

"In the end, all I can do is live the way I think is right, treat people the way I believe is right and go from there. I can't be responsible for how they respond to it."

Yes, that's it.

Sorry, I can't help with lower-cost-of-living areas.

Living your principle and not being stupid sounds like a good plan.

slouching mom said...

I like you, Chani.

You're a good person.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Thank you for the extra clarification. It never crossed my mind (or anyone else's, I'm sure) that you were not walking your talk and doing what you feel is right.

I feeled pressed to find a less costly place to live than SF as we are also on a fixed income now. But we also need decent medical care for Flip's condition, and it was horrible in other places we lived.

We also both really feel a need to be near an ocean.

You are right that all any of us can do is what seems like the right thing, and what others choose to do with it is up to them. I try to live by that code, too.

jen said...

arizona is cheaper. although sedona would be a terrific place to land...it's expensive. new mexico sounds lovely too.

and it is exactly right to treat people the way we believe all should be treated. you are the example. it might not result in their immediate reciprocation, but you and i both know it's the sum that matters.

Lee said...

Wow, just catching up on your dilemna Chani. I don't envy you. This may make me an unfeeling gal, but I wouldn't waste another moment, if you are just hanging on hoping for change, or worse, to make things better. Being raised by a Taiwanese mom and a Catholic dad, I'm deeply familiar with guilt and the struggles of what's right and wrong. Long ago, I realized that my staying in any horrible situation did not make the situation any better. If V is going to commit violence, he will probably do it whether you are there or not. Hopefully, you won't be his next victim.

Life is short. If you still experience joy, then stay. If you are miserable, then go.

As for lower costs of living, I live in the most expensive county in the US and it totally sucks, so my only advice would be to avoid at all costs, Loudoun County, VA.

flutter said...

Payson! Not too terribly far from me, I am in Scottsdale and used to live in Flagstaff. My fiance's parents live in Sedona and it is lovely. Have you looked at Colorado Springs?

caro said...

Just catching up. I understand. You know what's best.

I'm still a little worried about you though...

crazymumma said...

Being comfortable with how one has treated others is very important. I believe in karma or the idea of it anyhow.

At the end of the day you must do what feels right in your heart....

peace right back at you Chani....

Laurie said...

There's always Montana, Chani. I'm not sure how the cost of living compares to Payson, but I can tell you that the scenery is absolutely gorgeous! And it would be great to have you here.

Snoskred said...

As I said in my comment yesterday, I do think suggesting D go to, or even taking D yourself along to an Al-Anon meeting if there is one nearby might be a fantastic thing you could do to help her in the situation she has found herself in.

When a mother gives birth to a child she has visions of the future for them and I sincerely doubt one of them is for them to become an alcoholic, so it cannot be easy for her to deal with or live with.

This is why I'm having cats, not kids. :) There's not much chance they'll end up drinking or taking drugs.

Mary said...

I wish I had a suggestion for you, Chani, but I'm out here in the southeast.

You definitely know your limits and where you are heading. That's comforting and the most important thing to know...

MsLittlePea said...

I get completely what you're saying. Just because there are some rotten things going on around you, doesn't mean you have to be rotten as well. Even if the recipient would deserve it, because that would make you like them. I have this discussion often with my nephews and even my husband...

The cost of living in Florida used to be so great. It's getting worse and worse due to growth.....