Privilege and Hypocrisy

You know, there are times when we all get a spirit swat, a moment that makes us pause and think of things differently.

And there are times we don't do that often enough.

Today, I've been thinking about something. Yesterday I wrote about a horrible murder in Beverly Hills and complained about how it shattered my sense of safety.

The recognition that not twenty miles away from us, people lived with that kind of fear on a daily basis hasn't escaped me. I'm sure they would have loved to sit around by the pool and complain about the ineptness of the Bel Air Patrol, clicking their tongues over the fact that crime reached in and bit their pristine little world. I'm not saying the murder wasn't a terrible, horrid and evil thing. I'm saying that there are people who've coped with much worse.

That was Spirit Swat #1.

I got into the shower and stepped out. Was disgusted with the size of my body.

I'm fat. There's no other way to describe it. BBW, heavyset, pudgy... bullsh*t! I'm fat! No, I am not huge but I am way too big, even for my large-boned frame. This isn't about twenty vanity pounds. I am at least 60 pounds overweight.

I've never missed a meal. .. and it's obvious. People get fat because they eat too much from which one can logically surmise that he or she has the food to eat. I do.

That was Spirit Swat #2.

In many ways, I have always struggled with excess. When I drank, I couldn't stop at one drink.. or two. When I have a pizza, I can't be content with one or two peices but eat the whole damn thing!

I'm not much of a score-keeper and am not really into the "I had it worse/better than you" type of thinking. It's not useful but a little bit of perspective is always good.

The material privilege I experienced growing up was an accident of birth. It is certainly nothing I created or earned. There is no inherent "right" to it. I couldn't afford an upholstered doghouse in Beverly Hills or Bel Air on my own. Not in my entire adult life. I have never had the discipline to create that kind of financial stability. Ajahn S was totally correct when he said lack of discipline has always been my greatest weakness.

I believe that comes from my upbringing. I don't say that in a blaming sense. I certainly had the resources available to learn those things if I'd been properly motivated. Teachers were available. It's hard to be disciplined or care about the future when the material necessities were always there. I never had to learn how to make life run smoothly. It just did. There was always plenty of food in the refrigerator and there was always a place to sleep at night. In fact, it was much better than that. The swimming pool was in the back yard. The TVs were in every room. We all had private phone lines. (Anyone remember Princess phones?) We all had vehicles. We all had "toys" when we wanted them. If I wanted to take ballet courses, I took them. If I wanted guitar lessons, I got them. If I wanted to pick up some other hobby with which I'd be bored in a week, I got to do it.

I never had to learn how to balance a checkbook, how to cook for myself, how to create a grocery list, how to make a choice between having one thing over another because I could get them both, never had to learn how to deny myself. I was never responsible for the well-being of another person.

And that led to a very long adolescence.

And, yes, I most definitely experienced a lot of emotional battering but materially, I was absolutely safe. I never wanted for a single thing.

I am really working on this discipline thing. And, oh God, is it hard!

Excess is an addiction. Food has become an addiction. For some reason, I can't seem to knock off some of the stupid choices I make - like eating strawberries and banana pudding for dinner.

And this is my challenge, my potential for growth, at this point in my life.

It's hard to admit that in some ways, I am a 55-year-old very spoiled woman!

I hate to admit that... but have to! Far more important than admitting it to any of you, I have to admit it to me, recognize the tendencies and resolve to change them.

The spiritual resources are there. That, I did right. I believe I am on track with my spiritual development, although there's always more growing to do.

My financial resources are limited and I do not use credit cards. That's a step in the right direction. I can not afford credit and seem to have made peace with that. Besides, I really don't like it. It's the quickest road to slavery... credit. I stay within my budget each month with an occasional eBay-related slip. Dang. Thai clothes. Another addiction.

This discipline thing... man, it is killing me! The resolving to do something and making myself do it. Whether it is walking daily, keeping my nose out of the refrigerator or staying away from eBay, I struggle.

So, for all the praise I get for wisdom, I must admit a glaring area of immaturity. And I will continue struggling through this until I assimilate a new way of thinking and behaving.

My greatest weakness, indeed!


Peace,


~Chani