Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Letting go....

Sometimes it's really hard to tell when it is time to let go, when the moment has come that it is appropriate and right.

I woke up in the middle of the night and knew the time had come to let my father go. (For those who haven't been reading here very long, my father committed suicide in April.) It hit me not like a lightening bolt but with an internal peace.

For the past few months, there has been a lot of emotional housecleaning to do. Between talking to members of my family, long estranged, and dealing with the disparity between their beliefs and mine, it has been a challenge to gather us together for the final stages of this passage.

In short, it hasn't been possible. We all have to do this our own way.

In the middle of the night, I crawled around in the garden and clipped enough flowers to make a garland. I came back inside and sat by candlelight to make it. Finally, I put on a black tunic, a white blouse and a black ankle-length skirt. I wore two of my amulets, both which have relevance for this kind of thing. Barefoot, I went back out to the gazebo, placed a candle, some incense and his picture on a makeshift altar within the garland. I lit the incense and the candle.

I got down on the ground and bowed, holding one stick of incense in my hands, palms together. I chanted and prayed for his peaceful passage into the spirit world. I also thanked him for trying to do the best he could for us, even with his limitations. In the final analysis, we all do the best we can, even when our best doesn't always produce the best outcome. I expressed my gratitude for the lessons learned, expressly or by default. Karma can be a difficult thing and the lessons are not always easy. Our path this time was not.

I burned the picture.

I sat in the dark for a while, holding the ashes. I put them in a small container. I honored the container, brought it into the house and put it on a high shelf.

Without bothering to get undressed, I got back in bed and went back to sleep.

Another passage complete. Another karmic lesson. For both of us.




Anvilcloud said...

When we left Sarnia for here, I spent part of a morning by the graveside of my parents and told them much the same thing. I think you did a good thing to hold this ceremony. That's how we humans mark passages of various kinds.

Pam said...

I agree with AC, it's healing to say what needs to be said and your ritual made it real, something tangible to make acceptance easier. I thought it was a lovely farewell.

Karma may be difficult at times but you always know when you've got it right.

KC said...

What a meaningful ritual you honored him with. Important to have closure. And now, peace?

Anonymous said...

Ceremonies have never worked for me. For me, letting go has never been like cutting a rope or freeing a bird, it's more like evaporation.

But I'm glad you found a way that works for you. Thank you for sharing it.

Anonymous said...

This sounds right. I am glad that this came to you in a fairly short period of time.

I have always found ceremonies to be comforting, even when I don't specifically believe. One of your own creation must be very powerful indeed.

Peace, Chani.

Christine said...

Oh Chani. I know his loss was such a complicated thing for you. I am glad you were able to come to a sort of peace with it all. You did a beautiful thing.

slouching mom said...

There was such beauty in that ceremony of yours.

Tabba said...

What a beautiful thing to do.
For him.
For yourself.
Completely organic and natural.
I'm glad you let the moment just come. When it was ready to. When you were ready to.
I could see the whole thing in my head. Especially the part where you were clipping flowers in the dark....

Julie Pippert said...

This was a lovely testament to forgiveness and letting go. I am so glad for you. I know this has been rough. Again, I am so glad you found this, and had this lovely ceremony, for yourself, in your way, in your time.

Hel said...

Oh Chani...

I am so glad you were able to honour his spirit and your in such a honest beautiful way.

I am honoured to have read this.

QT said...

Chani -

I only know from what you have shared, but I know that this was a complicated issue for you, for so many reasons.

I am happy that you found peace, friend. Hopefully, somehow, he will too.

flutter said...

I feel so honored that you let us share in this. Peace to you

jen said...

Chani, your ability to listen to your spirits always amazes me. your ritual in the garden sounds absolutely beautiful. i can picture you in my mind's eye (thank you for making it so descriptive).

i will be interested to know as time moves along if this has been finally put to rest, or if it rears back up. i hope you'll continue to share your journey.

crazymumma said...

I love ritual. I think it is important in life to help us cope with so many of our passages.

I am so happy you found a peace with this. I hope the others in your family can do the same in their own way.

Caro said...

I love these rituals although they have never seemed to work for me.
I enjoyed picturing you in my mind's eye, letting go. Thanks Chani.

caroline potato said...

Hi Thailand Gal,
No, I didn't realize that your father committed suicide. That is such a heavy burden to bear for the survivors.

I really love the way truth and strength came to you in the night. The ritual is beautiful.

May you be peaceful.
May you be happy.
May you be filled with loving-kindness.

kaliroz said...

I don't even know what to say.

I'm glad you were able to let go. It's always so hard.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

This was beautiful, Chani, and far more meaningful than any ceremony arranged by others could have been.

Some would say that you and your father had a covenant before this incarnation. He agreed to treat you as he did so that you could learn the lessons you needed to learn. He accomplished his mission, and you are much stronger for it.

If for no other reason, he deserved to be honored for his part in bringing you into the world where you add love and beauty to so many lives.

ewe are here said...

You're right, karma's lessons are not always easy.

I'm glad you have found peace about this one.

meno said...

I find that for me a private ceremony works much better at clearing my head than a public one. Nicely done.

MsLittlePea said...

That's great Chani. It's a beautiful thing you did. I'm really happy for you. Carrying around negative feelings is too heavy for the soul and you did the best thing you could have done for yourself regarding his passing. And I've been keeping up with your other blog so I know it must have taken a lot for you.

thailandchani said...

Thanks everyone. :) I so appreciate the response to this. Initially, I wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to blog about it.. but then it occurred to me that maybe someone would find it useful.

The ritual itself is based on Thai tradition.

And it very definitely helps with letting go, going to the next phase. Acceptance of his choice isn't mine to give... but hoping he gets to the Other Side safely is within my area of responsibility. I can't move forward without living up to that.



Susanne said...

This letting go even felt peaceful to me when reading about it.

Just to let you know I'm still here reading.