Note: 21 June 07 - 5.13 PM - Folks, I do have a new post up. Technorati will not update and I have been pinging nonstop for the past three hours. It still says my content is old. (I posted at 1.13 this afternoon PDT). If you are seeing this on a reader, please just click onto the site. There is nothing more I can do to fix the problem. I have no way to get new content to your readers. I've exhausted my resources.
Update 5.53 PM - I am unable to get help from Blogger support or Technorati. Essentially, I'm done. Stick a fork in it. There's nothing more I can do to get new content to readers.
I deleted and republished ~ and that didn't work, either. So.. in the vernacular.. I'm screwed.
Update: 7.15 PM ~ Technorati finally updated two minutes ago. I wonder what they were waiting for? The Second Coming? Geez. I certainly hope no one ever gets caught in that black hole! 6 hours and 15 minutes. That is how long it took.
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Right?
I got to thinking about this today after reading a variety of blog posts, most of which included some passage about not being selfish.
Now I understand this to a large degree. I don't consider myself to be overly selfish, but there are some areas where I will admit to just that.
Here's some examples:
1) If I don't want to go somewhere, I won't go. If it's not a matter of life, death or someone else's feelings in a big way, I have no problem saying "no",
2) I only answer the phone if I feel like it. I always find it funny when people ask me on the other end, "are you too busy to talk?" No. If I was too busy or disinterested, I wouldn't answer.
3) I absolutely will not give up large blocks of time. I get too tired and drained and, again, have no problem saying "no". I always say "thank you" but it is occasionally prefaced with "no comma"
4) If I really don't want to do something, I won't do it. I'm very stubborn and not guilt-driven ~ so that never works on me and won't make me change my mind,
5) I don't have difficulty setting limits. I'm very clear about what I can offer and what I can not. If I say I'll do something, I'll do it but I'm slower than mud.... and I just tell the truth about it.
So... tell me one way that you are intractably ... selfish. Don't tell me why you shouldn't be or how you feel guilty. Just tell me something you're selfish about. No apology necessary. :)
Peace,
~Chani
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
We're all selfish somehow....
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24 comments:
wow, chani, I really can't think of any. I gotta work on that--it is unhealthy....
I have always been a "people pleaser"; often to my own detriment.
actually, yes, I can think of something. I refuse to be drawn into any argument or drama that involves involves my ex-husband. So there, I am learning!
Ellie, that sounds great! I can't think of a better thing to be selfish about. LOL
Peace,
~Cahni
I must have my morning coffee. If the children are clamoring for breakfast at the same time as I am making it, they will just have to wait.
I will not do anything where i have to stay out late. This may sound odd, but if i stay up late, and get too tired, i can't sleep.
When i can't sleep i am nauseous and dizzy the whole next day. 'Tisn't worth it, so don't ask, i WILL say no.
I too, do not pick up the phone unless I want to talk on the phone. Ever. And I don't have caller ID, so that means that people have to make it through the call-screening process. It's my time and I don't want to be interrupted by someone, even a chatty friend, until I'm ready.
i refuse to go to the post office.
whoops, meaning, no matter WHAT needs to be mailed. I'll overuse stamps, make J go, whatever.
I am unbelievably selfish my weekends. I need my time off and I will make absolutely no commitments of any type that don't include me having fun or getting a massage.
Just no.
I think my list is a lot like yours, but I'm not sure whether most of it truly classifies as selfishness. Maybe it's just realism; maybe you and I know what we can handle and what we can't.
I would have to say I am selfish about my music, which is probably why I don't have a music career.
But, it's my music, right? I write it, I compose it and I record it.
I refuse to respond to my son's incessant chatter while I am brushing my teeth. That is my two minutes.
My running. I have to do it even if everyone is bitching about me going or the kids are whiny and it is Saturday and they want me to eat breakfast with them. This is a HUGE priority for me, and if I don't do it I'll be insane!
Oh and I am a notorious call screener! ;-p
Hmmm. I have a range:
selfless selfful selfish
The first means doing something for another despite myself, maybe even at cost to myself.
The second means caring for myself, with no harm or foul, even if it might sometimes ask others to understand that this is my way of being considerate to me, and please respect and support that.
The third means doing as I like despite another, maybe even at cost to another.
To my way of thinking, your list is probably generally a second case.
My list of the three could probably be quite long, LOL.
But if you really want selfish...sometimes I lie on my bed and read a book in the evening, which leaves my husband in charge of dinner and kids even though he's worked at the office all day.
...sometimes I blog in the evening after the kids go to bed even though I maybe ought to spend quality time with my husband.
I'm selfish because I won't have kids. Granted, it's probably a good thing for any kids who would appear, because life with me would either be absolutely fun and hilarious, or enough to send them into therapy for life. There's a lot of reasons why I'm not having kids.
I once watched a tv show where this UK child psychologist was trying to help families who had kids that were difficult to live with. Most of the difficulties were of the parents creation. The one that I recognized would happen to any kid I created was - this mother could not let her kids hands be dirty, she was always wiping them with wet wipes. The kid therefore had trouble eating anything that was even slightly messy.
The Child Psych organised a picnic on the floor, and asked the parents and the kid to have fun with food. The look of absolute horror on that kids face when asked to put his finger into jelly.. whoa.
I'm a germophobe. I like to have clean hands. I can't touch doorhandles without cringing, especially door handles in public areas. I often use the sleeve of my jumper instead of my hand. The impact of that on a kid? Can you imagine? I'm not doing it. I refuse to imprint myself on a child in that way.
I know my mother looks at me like - who the hell is this person I raised, who doesn't want to have kids? How can my daughter not want to have kids? What did I do wrong to cause this? And it hurts. I might as well be a Lesbian as far as she's concerned, I'm that alien to her. But she probably thinks Lesbian would have kids - and so it would actually be more ok with her.
But at the same time I try to make light of it, I gave her pictures of the "grandkids" I've given her, the two kitties, to carry in her purse. My sister has three kids, isn't that enough?
Mum's pissed at me, but I'm not changing my mind. That's where I'm selfish.
Wow, Chani.....I know that I have many a shining example....
I need to have my first cup of Joe, I think, to kickstart my brain....I'll be back to answer this.
SM, I can't help but think that only teaches your children to be considerate of others.
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Meno, I'm just the same.. and I will not stay out late either.
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Ally, I do not have caller ID, either.. and see no particular reason to have it. The phone is there for my convenience.. not the convenience of others. At least it will remain that way as long as I am paying the bill. If someone else wants to pay it, then they will have a say in how it's used. :)
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Jen, yeah.. the post office. It's not a very pleasant place. There's got to be another way.
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Flutter, that only makes good sense! When I was working, I was exactly the same way. Now the days run together.
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Anvil, I do think of it that way, now that you mention it. I try to be very clear about what I can handle and what I can not. Some would say that's self-indulgent.. you know.. somehow pushing oneself became a virtue.. but I just don't buy it.
(cringe) Now I'll probably come back and have to live a life where I am constantly beholden to the whims of others. AAAEEEECHHT!
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Mike, yes.. it's your music. It only makes sense to be a bit selfish about creativity, too. Ultimately it is given to others but the creative process is a solitary one.
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Emily, amen! :)
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Thomas, nor do I. I'm very understanding about many things.. but fools? No.
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Christine, it only makes sense about the running, too. That is for your health and well-being. Not selfish, in my opinion. :)
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Julie, I like your definitions and break-down of the different types of selfishness. That makes a lot of sense. Many types of selfishness are completely harmless. I think the kind of selfishness that is dangerous is the kind that includes deception.. you know, trying to trick someone into doing something, only to benefit the self. I have a problem with that.
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Snos, oh.. gosh.. this would require a whole post on my part!
Choosing to not have children is not selfish!
I don't believe any woman has an inherent obligation to have children. People come in all shapes and forms, all types of sensibilities, and some of us did not come with the mommy gene.
I chose to not have children for a variety of reasons. Honestly, most women are at risk when we have children.
Can we truly trust most men to stick around if it gets rough? Who has to raise the children after they bail?
Who wants the life of a single parent, constantly struggling since children are, on average, a $100,000 commitment at the lowest end ~ ultimately hurting the kids because they are not getting what they need to grow up whole?
No. I can never see not having children as selfish in any regard. It's sensible.
As for those clammering for grandchildren, well, either they need to have more kids themselves, adopt a kid or get a pet. It's not my inherent responsibility to supply parents with grandchildren. Natural order, my big fat hiney!
Can you tell I feel strongly about this issue? :)
I'm quite a bit older than you and have answered this particular charge of not having children more than I care to remember.
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Tabba, I'll look forward to your selfish list. :)
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Peace,
~Chani
I think I'm selfish in almost every way because I make an effort to prolong my happiness over most other people's. If I wasn't selfish I could get my brother out of debt, I could feed more poor people, and I could help more old ladies across the road. If nobody was selfish then the entire human race would make a committed effort to helping one another, but it seems more logical to help oneself first.
I don't have any absolute rules. I guess it depends on my mood at the time I'm asked to do something whether I'll do it or not.
When I prefer staying at home I won't go out to supper with friends or family.
If I feel like spending a day under a tree I cancel all my appointments.
Blogging. Reading blogs. Totally.
I am stingy with my time, and my art....when I can get away with the second one. Occasionally someone will take it upon themselves to out me.
I'm the same as you with the phone. If I don't feel like answering it, I just won't. Sometimes I need down time and I think that's healthy.
I screen calls sometimes, and when the cat begins her insistent wallking in my hair, banging things around at 5:00 a.m. to get fed, I usually bury myself under my pillow until Flip gets up and feeds her.
I am unrepentent, and so is the cat.
Showers must be long and hot, the environment and others wiating, towel in hand, be damned.
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