Tuesday, July 10, 2007

When I'm wrong, I'm just plain wrong...


This is a public apology to all who read here.

Over the past few days, I have had a chance to think about a few things and a few caring people have brought it to my attention. They took the risk to tell me how it is, whether I wanted to hear it or not. I value that.. and I thank those people. Very much.

Too often, I allow my moods to dictate what goes on this site. I get carried away in feelings and don't take into consideration how my words might impact those who are reading.

I did it again on Sunday.

Intimating that I am going to bring down the site because I feel frustrated or annoyed is childish and selfish. It completely negates the loyalty and trust that has been built here among us. It diminishes the honesty we have all established... together... over the past year. That's not to mention the entire concept of Mindful Speech.

I make no excuses. It was bad behavior and I own it.

And I apologize. Next time I even come close to doing something like that, anyone who reads here is welcome to verbally bash me upside the head. But at this point, I commit to not doing it again. If I am feeling that way, I'll go walk the dog.

Now... my real post about inspiring people is right below.

Thank you for supporting me, even when I'm difficult... and thank you for... just thank you. I value all of you very much, even when my behavior makes it appear differently.

Onward. :)




jen said...

and here's the Chani I love. and thank you for saying it, because i was wondering about it and how it made me feel was "well, hell..i read. i am here. i matter, don't i?"

so thank you. it's another curve passed in the journey forward.

meno said...

Onward, always onward.


Anonymous said...

Food for Thought: Seems like readership changed when you changed your format. i.e. dark background, kinda difficult to read gold lettering. I find it rather depressing...visually. Maybe consider "brightening things up a little"? Maybe, too, a little less introspection and a little more observation, inspiration? I like it when you educate us...like leaders you admire, places you've been. Takes the focus off you and helps us look at the world in a different way or learn about someone we never heard of. Like I said. Just food-for-thought, Chani. :-) Tessa

Anvilcloud said...

I don't really think the template has much effect on most visitors, but it is true that some schemes are difficult for those with visual problems. You never know until they tell you.

I like the introspection. It's you, and figuring ourselves and others out is what this voyage is largely about, I think. you do get a little antsy about commenting from time to time, but just go with the flow. Do it because ya wanna and it serves a need.

mitzh said...

I have been there and I truly understand you..

We're just human, after all...

Hel said...

I like your introspection. It sometimes makes me realise that something, which I have not even admitted to myself, is bothering me.

If you can not be honest here and wonder about things where can you?

I like you happy, I like you sad.

I like you because you don't just say I'm ok to make others feel better about themselves, you dig until you hear or feel what you need to to feel better again and then you do a turn around and go into a new unexpected direction.

Like a honest apology. (Not that I think one is needed but I have been known to be wrong before. I just don't want you to write what you think you should as oposed to what you really feel)

I will have to think about the inspiration post. I will be back.

Smile :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Chani.

I noticed. It saddens me because I think you must be hurting in some way when you write like that. I didn't say anything because there have been other times that I have intended to be supportive and, based on your response, I thought I got it wrong.

Plus, I don't feel especially comfortable saying, "Hey, that's BS." Even in a nice way, because what do I know, really? I just hang in here and have faith that the mood will pass, as it has before.

Julie Pippert said...

Chani the thing I have in you is faith. You do this, it's true, but...you aren't afraid to do it openly, and deal with it openly. I appreciate that, and I appreciate this message. It's why I trust that you'll get there; you always do.

Bob said...

Chani - I come here (almost) every day. I don't always comment because I don't always have something to say. But just because I don't comment doesn't mean what you posted had nothing to say to me. I enjoy the introspection you share with us. I enjoy the commentary too. I don't expect you to be profoundly philosophic every day. I don't expect anything except for you to be you. I value you and what you have to share and I look forward to reading whatever you post.

Julie Pippert said...

P.S. I don't think you need to change direction, content, or look...unless traffic is your goal, and even then, I think you get a solid amount of traffic and comments. I'm sure we all have things to do to improve both of those but I guess what I'm trying to say is, "Don't go changing to try and please me." :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I agree with Bob. Whatever you put out there is worthy of being read and absorbed. You are a woman of many facets, and it's always interesting to see what you're thinking about because it makes me think, too, which is the one thing I require of my reading material.

In fact, you inspire me because you have chosen a difficult path through life, non-conformity, and you are pulling it off with kindness and wit. In many ways, our paths converge, but I often worry that I might be getting it wrong.

slouching mom said...

If only I could teach my children how to issue the kind of mature, heartfelt apology you just did...

I enjoy your honesty. Your introspection. And your observations about the larger world.

Rock on, Chani. Rock on.

MsLittlePea said...

wow! I just went back to that post and reread the rest of the comments. ok.

First I want to say that there is no need to apologize for expressing your feelings. I know from reading here for a while that loyalty is important to you. And those feelings of not being pleasing enough to your readers and I dare say loved ones(?) are things you struggle with from time to time. I am not going to hold that against you. We all have those feelings at some point. I want very much to tell you that I value this blog and the thoughts that your writing provokes. I don't always leave comments if I don't have anything else to add. I'm not the sort of person who leaves comments just for the sake of leaving a comment. But that doesn't mean I wasn't here. I visit every day that I can. Sometimes if I know I only have a minute, I wait until I have more time so I can really get the messages in your writings. I would never want you or anyone to feel like they have to dazzle me. I follow about 20 blogs. Out of all the blogs I read, yours gets the most comments. Even with my own blog,sometimes I get 10-12, sometimes I get 2. Sometimes someone will leave a comment and I'll never hear from that person again. One of my very first blog friends stopped coming by recently and you know what? That's fine with me. I don't really think about why. Don't be so hard on yourself Chani. We like you as you are.

thailandchani said...

Jen, yes, of course you matter. This is part of moodiness, I'm afraid. I don't always like it.. and it's not very pretty... but there it is in all its raw glory. :)

Just the same, I do expect more of myself than to be emoting without any measurement of the impact.


Meno, absolutely!


Tessa, the layout is staying.. but your other points are well-taken. I think a good forum requires variety... and I would like this one to be more inspirational, giving people something to think about that makes their lives better.

That's kind of my goal anyway.. if it can be called a "goal".. a word which in its own right, bothers me.

"Flow". I would like that to be the "flow" of this space.


Anvil, I get antsy about the commenting because I am (and I still am... just choosing not to act on it all the time LOL) equating it with acceptance. If I can break that link in my head, it will get better. I'm sure of that. :)


Mitzh, thank you :)


Hel, I thought about that before I posted this. TRuly, I want to say what I want to say.. but I also want to do it responsibly. Words do impact people. Sometimes my passive aggression gets the better of me and the "I'm taking the site down" thing is really not healthy.. not for me or anyone else.

Oh, I will continue exploring and turning my insides out... sometimes I'll still cut a vein and let it bleed in this space, but I'm not going to do it in a way that hurts others.


De, you didn't get it wrong at all. The whole thing with my type of moodiness is that when I go to the Dark Place, no light can get in. There are solutions to that, of course, like... walking the dog, getting away from here, doing something else, reading a book.. there are many things I can do to distract myself. That's just being an adult, really.

And calling BS is always okay in this space... especially if you see it. :)


Julie, yes, that's true. I do always get there. Sometimes it takes longer than other times. :)


Bob, thanks.


Julie, I hear you. It's not so much to please others.. and I'm not making this change to please others. I'm doing it to grow. I was very clear on that before doing it. My people-pleasing days are coming to an end, at least in the unhealthy way of that.


Susan, the path I chose was for survival. When I made this choice, I made it because I had to make it.. or die. That's literal. I mean it just that way. Trying to fit into a culture that drained my spirit and made me physically ill was slowly eating away at my immune system, my muscles, my internal organs. Too many people in my life here privately, and even elsewhere, don't understand that trying to live the other way was killing me.

It's radical.. and it even looks silly to some. But I believe that if I hadn't done it, I would be dead today.


SM, yeah.. it is a hard one. :) I didn't know how to do it when I was younger, that's for sure! LOL


MsPea, you know what I'm most afraid about.. is that those who have left (and unfortunately, I notice who they are) may have left because I harmed them. You know.. with words. With coming across as somehow defective. That's what I struggle with most.

But.. truthfully.. if they don't tell me, don't talk to me, there's not much I can do to fix it. If they just wander off and don't say anything... well... I'm screwed. It's not possible to amend things that have been destroyed.

As for the comments on that other post, yeah.. it got a little contentious. But I do buck up fairly strongly if I think someone is trying to undermine my trust in the people who surround me in any environment. I'm just paranoid enough to have that become really problematic.

As I joked with someone else, I didn't think that finding my "voice" would be tested quite so soon. :)

But... to keep the perspective correct, the person who said those things didn't mean me any harm. We all speak differently and sometimes we just have to learn each other's use of language.

And some of it's cultural.

Gnarly.. just like all human communication, I guess. :)




Her Bad Mother said...

That was a powerfully brave statement and apology, lady. Thanks for your unflinching self-reflectivity.

thailandchani said...

HBM, thank you. :)


liv said...

I think we all feel like hanging it up from time to time. I can only say that sometimes it helps me come back to center if I take a few days off.

I can't imagine what it must be like to run around in your brain with all of these thoughts, philosophies, musings, and ideas. You are a treasure trove of thoughts. Amazing.

and as meno the wise said: onward.

Snoskred said...

Part of this is my fault, too. I am an Aussie, and in our culture we do not do the things you do in the US. We stand up and tell it like it is.

They believe that is one reason Qantas has such a good safety rating actually. Because when we see something is wrong, we say so and we keep saying so until it gets fixed. A pilot might refuse to fly a plane here and would not be fired for it if they had a valid reason or a safety concern - try that in other countries and see how quickly your job vanishes.

So I've agreed to try and be a bit less "forceful" in how I say things - perhaps it has been coming across as tactless when that was never my intention. :)

Anonymous said...

I think if you really had visibility of all the folks who come in here daily and read what you've written -- you'd be shocked. Many, many times I come -- read -- and leave. In fact that's about all I ever do! I hope that's an ok thing, 'cuz I don't have a blog for anyone to visit. Yours is wonderful and I would be sad if it went away. Cece