Tuesday, September 18, 2007

My archimedean point....

Today has been significant. Those who know me have some understanding of the importance attached to the appointment I had this morning. It was critical. It was pivotal. For me, it was an indicator of how my life would be in the future, whether it would be in a manner I can live with... or my life, for all intents and purposes, being over.

I was tense and the cab ride felt interminable. I didn't know the doctor I was seeing. It was the first time we'd meet. He could be my savior or my complete downfall. The financial resources are not available to me for "doctor shopping." I had no idea how it would work out.

It was a crapshoot.. and one I felt intensely.

As it turned out, he's one of the "good guys". We talked for an hour. He gave me a new medicine that will (theoretically) make it easier for me to deal with light and noise which I can not tolerate now.

[redacted. It just felt a bit too personal. Suffice it to say that he relieved me of a grave concern.]

If I could have, I would have prostrated myself and banged my head on the floor three times! Instead, I just sat there like a deer in the headlights, wide eyed. I did manage a soft "I might be able to sleep." My palms automatically went together. This is a custom that is ingrained in me now. I said simply, "thank you."

Sometimes... especially for those of us who have not had a lot of support in our lives, a simple thing like that can take the world from our shoulders and allow us to breathe free.

This isn't something particularly bloggable and I question the wisdom of doing it now. It's very private but I'm breathing a bit more freely and it seems natural to share that with others.

I feel safe. After living in terror for six months which has robbed me of sleep and any sense of security, I feel safe.

Now.

My life will go on as I'd hoped it would.
~*

31 comments:

Snoskred said...

That must be a great relief. ;)

Snoskred

flutter said...

I am so relieved for you and happy and joyous

Julie Pippert said...

I am so glad you found a compassionate witness for you. Whew.

Julie
Using My Words

P.S. Will comment on previous post tomorrow. Am trying to catch up!

Christine said...

oh chani! you must feel so relieved. i am happy that you have a little peace.

Sober Briquette said...

Chani, thank you for sharing your good news. I know that feeling of deliverance when someone is willing and able to offer some help. It's well worth sharing with those of us here who care about you and your well-being. Sleep well, tonight, friend.

liv said...

fantastic! i am so happy that this has happened. breathe, sweetheart, breathe!

jen said...

it's hard isn't it, because at the end of it all we are really truly alone in our wrestling, our psychic and physical wrestling....and how we navigate and protect ourselves and figure out a manageable way to go forward.

i am glad you found one of yours today.

Blog Antagonist said...

I don't know what it is that's been plaguing, you, but it sounds mighty worrisome. I am glad you've found some relief from your fears. Good doctors are so, so, so, so, so important.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'm very happy and relieved to hear this.

After all your hard work and anguish, things are falling into place as they should. And yes, you might be able to sleep. :)

Lucia said...

I love that you put your hands together automatically in thanks. That is a thing of great beauty.

slouching mom said...

I'm glad -- whatever he provided, it sounds as if it is a great weight off of your shoulders, and that makes me happy.

KC said...

Glad you found a good one- finally!

Liz said...

I'm so glad that all is alright with you. Doctors can be so hit and miss that really it's a blessing to find a good one these days.

mitzh said...

I believe that everything will be just fine and life will go on.

Hel said...

I am happy you shared your relief with us. It warmed my heart.

Emily said...

I am happy for you. I may not know what was wrong, but the relief evident in this post is palpable.

Hats off to that doctor.

Molly said...

Glad the weight has been lifted.......Sleep well!

Anvilcloud said...

Well, whatever the problem, I'm glad that you have some peace about it.

Aliki2006 said...

I am so relieved for you--so happy you have this weight lifted.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I am delighted that you found someone to help. Sometimes, the universe provides exactly what you need. Enjoy your sleep! :)

Bob said...

That is terrific news, I am so happy for you.

Melanie said...

good news. sigh of relief.

Janet said...

A slice of peace.

How delicious.

PeterAtLarge said...

I think that the response to this one shows just how "particularly bloggable" it is, despite your fears to the contrary. I have found, often to my amazement, that the more I open myself up and show the most vulnerable parts--the ones I feel least like showing to the world!--the more support and love I receive in return. The comments to this entry serve to reinforce that understanding. Thanks, Chani, for sharing the pain and the anxiety... and sleep well.

Jen M. said...

I think your post is quite bloggable. I hope you find your relief, calm, and the will to move forward. Sometimes it's really hard.

QT said...

What great news for you Chani - there nothing you can substitute for a good night's rest!

painted maypole said...

I want to sing you a lullaby as you drift off into peaceful slumber...

happy days and nights ahead, I hope.

MsLittlePea said...

I'm so happy for you. I hope it helps.

blooming desertpea said...

Wow - it's just a moment but it makes all the difference - the relief between the lines here is singing ...

crazymumma said...

May you get the peace you deserve.

xo

Angela said...

Wishing you peace, peace and more peace, and the ability to sleep and have blessed moments each and every day where the world stops and you can just be with all that is, in all it's beauty and complexity. Love and light to you, Chani. Thanks for sharing your journey. I feel infinitely less alone, and I thank you for that -- for sharing what it is to be human.