Finding My Way Home

Note: I've noticed that most of you don't really like it much when I discuss this topic. I can understand that... but I hope you'll forgive me if it does come up occasionally. It's a real part of my life. :)

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Wow.. .I got some awesome questions from Slouching Mom! They are so good, that it is going to take me a few posts to answer them.

Here's the first one:

1. Close your eyes and imagine for a moment that you have made it to Thailand. How does it feel? What do you see around you?

It feels like relief. It feels like a homecoming. It feels like a long sigh of relief. After a flight that long, I probably won't be seeing much of anything. :)

Seriously though, how will it feel to me? In a way, it will be both a beginning and a completion.

Sometimes I think I've done a poor job of describing what all of this is about for me. It's as though I've described it in the easiest way possible, the way most people would understand it easily.

I've made it something outside of me when it is actually something within. Thailand was my missing piece.

(cue the Twilight Zone music)

I've always been an outsider here, in my culture of birth. It's never taken root, nor has it ever resonated with me. There is not a single time I can recall feeling "a part of"... instead, always "separate from".

Even as a small kid.

Here's a little example. Read this post. Having this kind of thing surround me, this mentality, even as a child, made me heartsick. Western values have just never spoken to my soul. The dynamics I saw around me left me feeling hollow. I didn't want to compete with anyone. I didn't want power over anyone. I just wanted to be friends. In this culture, that's a sign of weakness. The way of life that was imposed on me here made me feel defeated. And on the deepest level, I resisted. I recoiled. I hid.

It felt all wrong. But I couldn't have told you why. Not as a child. I had no way of articulating it... beyond saying "this feels icky." Even as an adult, sometimes the only thing I can say is "this feels icky".

While I can understand that the way of life here works for many people and try my best to respect that, my soul was dying... shattering. Sometimes it's difficult for me to understand that it's not that way for everyone.

I had no idea how to resolve that. There was no way to reconcile it. There was no way to make it okay.

The only thing I could do is accept that there was really no place for me in this world and make the best of it. After a while, even the pain stopped. I just went numb.

Then I went to Thailand.

It's hard to describe.. this is the hardest part... that the air felt right going into my lungs and the ground felt right under my feet. I felt grounded. Even though I was in South East Asia, had never been to South East Asia, it all felt familiar.

And it had nothing to do with heat, humidity, bugs or reclining Buddhas. It had nothing to do with night markets or spicy food.

The longer I was there, the more I noticed long explanations were unnecessary. I wasn't surrounded by things and ideas that offended me. I didn't have to be someone I am not. There was an easy understanding between others and me that can only be described as familiarity. When I exchanged ideas with others, the ideas were not in conflict. I was them. They were me.

I laughed freely. Perhaps even for the first time in my life.

Assimilation, particularly in Northeast Thailand, was seamless. I didn't have to "try". It was natural. Before long, I had quite a collection of friends, all of whom referred to me as "the blue-eyed Thai girl" or "our undercover Thai girl". Even though I am a blue-eyed blond, I couldn't have felt more Thai.

I didn't feel like a farang! What a relief that was after feeling like a foreigner in my own country of birth! I slipped into the way of life easily and it all made sense. The customs made sense. The holidays made sense. The group dynamics made sense. The beliefs made sense.

The darn place just made sense!

When I came back here, due mainly to running out of money and visa time, I felt like a child being dragged away from her home and family for the first time. By that time, in those short months, I'd become completely Thai-ified. If I'd had the sense of a common house cat, I would have started some months earlier to find a job teaching English.

I wouldn't have come back. Ever.

So, long answer to a short question, going back will feel natural. It's going home.
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Part II, more questions, coming soon! :)

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