Tuesday, January 15, 2008

When we know better, we do better...


I want to thank all of you who came through for me yesterday. I have pulled the post because the person I am talking about lurks around the Internet enough that I am concerned about her finding it. All she'd have to do is plug in "th@i1@ndch@ni" and she might find it.. and this blog.

The comments are archived for me to look at more closely. All of you made such good points and I want to be able to read them more than once, to really take them in, to think about them some more.

It's totally true that if we can't feel special with our friends, where are we supposed to feel it at all? And this isn't about ego.. or selfishness. It's about being human. I guess I do need a degree of closeness with my friends. It doesn't mean I need to be glued to them.. but I need to know I can count on them being there, being respectful and being kind.

The person in question reminded me too much of people I used to attract, those who were emotionally unavailable for friendship. I was often feeling "shorted" as I would want to think of pleasant things for us to share, to talk about deeper subjects, to really share ourselves with each other, to include her in my community. For many years, I drew people with that kind of unavailability but didn't have the option of turning them away because it was that or nothing. It was a crappy way to be - and not one I care to revisit.

I've accepted that she is not capable of a close friendship with me. Just this morning, I had to fight for a response to a question I'd asked and finally decided I would not be doing that again. She had a habit of frequently ignoring what I said and only came around when I would have to fight for it or make a stink. I don't want that. Really. There are too many good people surrounding me now. Even though many of you only know me on this site, that doesn't diminish the good feelings I have about all of you. Some of you have gotten to know me better privately and I value you so much also. There are a few good people who surround me here in "3D" as well. This is where I need to keep my focus and share my energy.

We teach others how to treat us.

Maya Angelou's voice is in my head. It's true. We do. We teach people what is okay and what is not.

I guess I needed a reminder of what it used to be like. It certainly does remind me to remain grateful.

When we know better, we do better.

Thank you so much for giving me your thoughts. I needed to hear everything that was said.

(palms together)

~*

19 comments:

JCK said...

I'm sorry I missed yesterday's post, Chani, but I just wanted to say that I am so drawn to your blog and the lovely energy you have here. Don't let your light be sucked up by others' darkness. They feed on it. And you deserve to be in the sun.

Mariposa said...

I missed it too, but maybe with a deeper purpose...

I love how you said things...and how universal some issues/ concepts are. I've been battling this kind of thing the past weeks now...and can't seem to write anything about it because that person, would know how to locate me in the net...or let us say most likely will be able to locate me in case...

I remember that concept between bloggers before of having a guest writer might work.... ;)

The description emotionally unavailable were 2 words I had been looking to describe what she is to me...and like you, those 2 words should never be true to friends. I can be there for my friends....through thick and thin...to listen...be their voice when necessary...their strength...I can lean on them too...so just they know how strong they are and all that...and the other way around.

We teach others how to treat us. When we know better, we do better. Those two lines sum up what I just need to do. I remember what my counselor told me before...to not entertain negative thoughts from people beyond 2 sentences. And lately, I've been visited that ghost that used to haunt me just because I forced myself to bear with people whom I counted as friends...yet, they're really not.

You are a good person...one I would love to live in a community with...oh how delightful would that me!

(((hugs)))

Angela said...

Dang. I missed it, but I can surely relate from what you've written here. It's a big thing to begin teaching people to treat us differently - some won't be able to do it - some just won't want to. Best to let them go.

wheelsonthebus said...

Hi, Chani.

Yesterday's post is still up in my Google reader, fyi.

For me, personally, I need both kinds of people. I take friendship from people in the way it comes, how much they are able to give. What I do not like is people who give more to some friends than others (except, you know, very close friends). I don't like feeling taken for granted.

Emily

Anvilcloud said...

I didn't comment yesterday, but you seem to have some peace about this, and that's good.

flutter said...

peace to you

Janet said...

I wasn't around much, yesterday, but your post was still in my reader! So I read it.

The friend in question sounds like the kind of friend that drains my energy, too. I think you came to a logical conclusion that will bring you peace, in the end.

Julie Pippert said...

So she is simply someone you know, rather than a friend. Wise of you to distinguish.

niobe said...

It sounds like you've reached resolution on this issue. And, from the way you describe the situation, a resolution that will bring more peace to your life.

MsLittlePea said...

Oh I missed yesterday too but whatever happened, it looks like you have some positive insight so that's good.

Ian Lidster said...

At the end of it, it's all about our own judgment calls I have come to believe. And, if you listen to your heart and soul, you'll make the right call.

PeterAtLarge said...

Was the blog you refer to as having deleted the on the detailed the court story? If so, it's still up--on my computer, anyway. Justice is such an absurdly solomonic act: there's usually right on both sides, but the cut has to come somewhere. I'd hate the job.

PeterAtLarge said...

Oops, I MEANT to write "the one that detailed the court story..." Forgive the idiot typing!

QT said...

Chani -I read your post and didn't have time to come back and comment. I think your analysis is spot on, there always has to be an element of giving AND receiving in a true friendship.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Wonderful quotations. So true.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Maya Angelou's advice is the best ever given. Every parent should share it with her child. When we set appropriate limits on what we will and won't tolerate, we cannot help but have better friends and happier lives.

The other side of teaching people how to treat us is that we have to be willing to end relationships that despite our reasonable expectations, do not measure up because the other person is not willing to respect and support who we are.

Nothing ever leaves our life unless something better is waiting to come in. It sounds like a cliche, but it has proven to be true in my life, and I believe it applies to everyone.

newduck said...

I'm no expert on friendships, so I won't give any advice in that area, but I really like your perspective on things in general. You seem to have a quality of quietness (but not silence!) about you. That's kind of a weird compliment, but I mean it as a compliment nonetheless. Most people in this world just have too much noise in their lives, and you seem to be doing a better job than most to eliminate it. And that's my feeling about yesterday's post, too.

blooming desertpea said...

The word friend is very well defined in my vocabulary and my instinct tells me exactly who is and who isn't. It looks to me that you know very well, too, and that you should go for less. My motto, rather have only one or two true friends than a bunch of wannabes ...

(palms together), too

AmyTree said...

I'm sorry I missed it, but I understand why you pulled it. I will stop by more often in future!