Monday, February 11, 2008

Running In Circles Before Laying Down.....


I've been back a little over 28 hours now. Still tired. A bit weepy. I can't seem to let go of what I left behind.

Within minutes of getting back, I was changing the locks on a house, helping with an eviction. It's rather amusing in its own bizarre way. I was breaking into a house with the consent of the police. In fact, one was standing there as I did it. I'd called the police department for a lockout escort, the squatter's parole officer and organized the next steps since the judgment came in while I was gone.

It's not my house. I was helping someone else who had squatters take over the property. They stayed there for two months rent-free and did a fair amount of damage before leaving. The landlord won in this case and got a judgment against them. Not that it will do much good since the squatters were both criminals and have no visible means of support.

The point is that I was barely off the plane before having to act as someone else's enforcer.

If not me, who? That seems to be a chronic situation.

I came back when we were done and fortunately was able to relax in front of the TV. Watched the Grammys. Watched. Didn't comprehend. Didn't care.

It was rather surprising that I thought to do all the appropriate things before I left which made it possible to not care. The only casualty was some nasty fruit in the refrigerator. Everything else was orderly.

Not bad, considering what it could have been.

And I sit here tonight, heart still at my home in Thailand, trying to accept that this will be it for the next several months at the minimum. It will take that long to clean everything up so that I can return, free of all obligations here.

My home in Thailand is a quiet but full place. It is a house on stilts with a balcony that has a panoramic view of a large field. Each morning I got up, made tea and would sit out there, meditating on the grove of trees. The air wasn't heavy - nor was it light. The color of the sky looked like warm honey.

I could smell animals and jasmine. Plumeria. Unknown flora. The sun came up as I sat there, listening to the sounds and feeling the air around me. It was fairly warm. People started to come and go, often waving to me as they walked by, on their way to their jobs or some other activity. Kids walked in groups to school.

The visit was absolutely wonderful, having solidified and expanded the relationships I established six years ago. The absence didn't dim our draw to each other. If anything, it was enhanced.

Children that I once held on my hip are now in school. They showed me their school work and I taught them funny words in English, like "hippopotamus", "mosquito" and "nose". They giggled delightedly which brought me delight, too.

The older ones are already speaking English and we had interesting conversations. They expressed themselves very well, including abstract concepts. It was wonderful to know what they were thinking. Our discussions covered the gambit.. from history to philosophy.

In the afternoons, we went shopping, walking, eating ~ all the while catching up on our lives and making plans for the future. It all seems so natural, so right. When all is said and done, we are related even though we share not one strand of DNA.

I miss it. Terribly. Already. I have no words.
~*

30 comments:

slouching mom said...

But you know what is awesome?

That you've got yet more proof that this move is so very right. That nothing had changed a bit in your absence.

Maybe that's of some small comfort while you wait until you can return?

Rima said...

I can relate to that feeling, at least on a small level. I used to feel so lost and depressed after returning from the camp where I worked every summer as a counselor that I just didn't know what to do with myself. But in my case, I knew that the place I missed would lose its splendor and magic if I stayed on indefinitely, and I suspect that is not the case with you and Thailand ;)

Hopefully, your fresh memories will be a good impetus to tie up the loose ends as quickly as possible so you can return there. It sounds absolutely blissful!

Janet said...

That slouching mom is wise.

It feels odd to say "welcome back" when your heart is so clearly in Thailand. Still, it's nice to "see" you again.

flutter said...

seems like home is calling.

jen said...

it sounds exactly, exactly right. eastern. peaceful. community. love.

you found something most of us never manage to find.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I know. And you don't need any words.

the psycho therapist said...

This post so reminds me of a wonderful book with which you might already be familiar: Tales of a Female Nomad by Rita Golden. Know it? If not, please, please, please have a look-see.

PS...Atmospheric re-entry is a bitch. That's why spaceships have heat shields. Du-uh. (smiling and winking in a soft and loving, okay, "knowing" way, hee hee)

--

liv said...

I am happy that it was such a beautiful experience! Wishing you back there soon!

Amy Y said...

Squatters? Wow ~ now that is something to return to...

Thailand sounds wonderful. You make me want to see for myself :)

sid said...

God Thailand sounds so amazing. I'm actually thinking of going there this year. I want to touch an Indian elephant.

blooming desertpea said...

I can understand the emptiness you're feeling right now, but you're only here on a "transit" waiting for the next connecting flight back home ... enjoy the travelling if you can.

Sober Briquette said...

I feel as though I understand, reading your words. I feel sad that you have to go through another separation, but considering how you were feeling before you took the trip, I am glad that you reconnected and have these fresh, new memories to bring forward now, when you most need them.

Rebecca said...

It sounds like you are being smacked square in the face with "contrast," as Abraham Hicks would say - the difference between what you are creating and what you desire to create.

I know your life in Thailand is coming to you. You are creating it in each breath.

Blessings
Rebecca

MsLittlePea said...

I'm glad you got back safely. Not home but safe. Home is a word that can bring tears to my eyes, it carries so much meaning--it's a feeling more than a place and that is where you've been and long to return. Sounds like this trip did a lot of good and broke your heart a little at the same time. But was much needed nonetheless. This must have strengthened your resolve to get back home ASAP.

Squatters!? What a way to have to spend your first hours after a trip like that!

My Reflecting Pool said...

What a welcome you came back to! Your experience in Thailand sounds so delightful.

wheelsonthebus said...

I am glad, though, that this visit confirmed your place in Thailand for you.

Julie Pippert said...

I can imagine how tough.

The great time there, the sense of home, the tough homecoming and walking right into conflict and reasons why you want to leave in the first place---what marvelous evidence of your decision.

QT said...

slouching mom IS wise - if there was ever a doubt (I don't think there was, but still) it has been removed with that visit.

Your descriptions sound so lovely and refreshing. I am glad you had the opportunity to recharge.

Mariposa said...

I understand you...and looks like you really did have a great recharge. I'm envious... ;)

Molly said...

The picture you have painted is of paradise. A place where people care for each other and connections are what counts, not bank accounts. I'm glad for you that you found it and hope you'll make it back there soon.

niobe said...

I can see Thailand through your eyes. And it looks absolutely beautiful.

meno said...

Wish it wouldn't have to take so long for you to return to your home.

ewe are here said...

At least you know with absolute certainty that you're making the right decision ... I hope you are able to wrap your life up where you are so you can return for good quickly.

Elaine said...

Yes, I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way about Bali. I wish you luck in making your move over there, you give hope to people like me that it's possible!

Mary said...

Welcome back, Chani! I'm so happy you had a relaxing, peaceful time with people you love. I wish you a speedy return to a place you described as being so lovely.

Mary said...

I forgot something. Did you take photographs? If so, PLEASE SHARE? You know I love photos ;-)

Laurie said...

It's so very nice that you know where home is Chani. You'll be there soon, hopefully knowing that will give you the strength you need to prepare for your return.

Big hugs, (and yes I agree, we all need to touch and be touched),

Laurie

Catherine said...

Ah, no words needed, Friend. I know what it feels like to come back over here. I've never, ever recovered either.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I hope you'll find your way back soon.

gumdropsandbubblethoughts said...

Being there sounds perfect. I am thinking if one place can make you feel all that, then it's probably where you have to be.

I hope you'll be home, again soon.