Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Wellness Wednesday: Knowing When To Take Refuge...


Last night, a blog post made me weep.

And then I went to another blog post and felt helpless.

It's not about what I'm reading or the content of what's being written but my reaction to it. I really feel these things, the stuff you all write about. I have performed rituals, made merit and created intentional energy for people whose blogs I read regularly. I don't need to proclaim it in your comments sections or even have you know about it. It's just something I do. By choice.

I have my beliefs. They are strong beliefs. I feel fairly clear on what causes suffering. This worldview is all I know. Nothing else makes sense. I can't wrap my mind around certain things, even if I understand them intellectually.

Perhaps that makes me a zealot. I don't know. What I do know is that I feel a heaviness sometimes because I can't make it any better for anyone. I want to snap my fingers and make all those self-defeating beliefs and cultural lies disappear - and have people feel joy and contentment. I want people to understand and know their inherent goodness - and the fact that we are all good. We don't earn that goodness. It is our birthright. It is how we were created. We are all valuable. Our value isn't determined by what we own, our social position or the size of our bank accounts. Our value is our part in the whole. If anyone takes any message away from this site - ever - I hope that's the one you'll take.

Of course, I'm not God and can't change minds ~ but it doesn't negate the desire to make things better for people.

Speaking frankly, sometimes the culture clash here is really hard for me. It's hard when I believe so differently than the majority. It's that swim through the Stygian marsh that leaves me bruised and battered. I want to understand and I want to be understood. This is really the crux of it.

Last night, I cried until I was sick - not only because of one individual's post - but because it all tumbled down at once. The differences, my inability to bridge those differences, my inability to help in any meaningful way. It makes me sad because when other people are suffering, I want to make it better. And I can't. I don't have any influence any longer. At one time, I think I did. Maybe that is when my message was newer and fresher.

All of this to say one thing: I ask forgiveness in advance if I don't visit your sites the way I have in the past when I bump up against these differences. There might be times when you don't see a comment from me. Please don't take it as indifference. I just feel out of words. Out of energy. Out of the ability to repeat the same tired phrases again and again, knowing full well that what's meaningful for me is not necessarily what is meaningful for someone else.

I want to be a bridge.. but I'm not sure I know how anymore.

~*

21 comments:

Molly said...

They are not tired phrases Chani. I always find meaning and truth and sincerity when I come over here.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I understand because I am an empath, too. I try to use that particular sensitivity as a tool to feel closer to others by relating to their feelings, and I find that engaging my mind in that way sometimes helps to protect my heart from breaking.

But not always.

Sometimes you just have to take a step or two back and allow the stream to flow around you instead of through you. You simply can't keep giving when your own energy is depleted, so it's probably time for you to take a break and hopefully, come back refreshed and replenished. Your clear voice is very much needed, but not at your own expense.

slouching mom said...

i'm sorry that it feels like a burden to you.

that being the case, it seems sensible to step back where appropriate.

Sorrow said...

I come her often after reading your post in my reader, to see what other peoples responses to your words are.
Does that seem odd?
I want to see what people take away with them, what that feel and see and believe when they read your words.
More often than not, it's not the same thing I do.
I wonder why?
Your heart speaks so poignantly through your words.
Be gentle with yourself Chani, The world needs healers, believers and dreamers.
the candle in my window reflects your light.
be gentle with you...

Sober Briquette said...

I have been thinking recently about my life now, as a care-giver / post- employment, and women's choices (and what we have to deal with that we do not choose) in the work force, and I find myself at an impasse, one that I know you would recognize: a cultural impasse. I am trying to write a post, but I'm stuck because this culture, specifically even the micro-culture that is the East Coast, is all I have known. I know the wrong, live the wrong, but only know the right by what I feel in my heart. I keep thinking of you, wondering if I am on a similar path to finding my way.

Amy Y said...

Sometimes just being there to listen, sending positive energy into the universe, is much more effective than our words could be.

citizen of the world said...

First, I'm sorry that the wat did not work out as you'd hoped.

And secondly, I think you are wise to step back from things that bring you distress. Igf I write something that you have a strong negative reaction to, I would expect that first you would take care of yourself. If you feel burdened by a post, taking a break may be exactly what's called for.

wheelsonthebus said...

My blog has been so fluffy lately that at least I know I am not making you cry.

Your blog is one of the most meaningful I visit. I tell you that not to flatter but because it is true and I think you need to know it.

womaninawindow said...

Do you know, seeing your dancing godess means so much to me, whether I come here, you come to me or I see you somewhere else. Because what I see you write I know is what you feel. I trust your words. I trust that what you write is real. But we're all imperfect out here. Out of sorts. Don't let us get to you. I'd rather see you get to us.

Blog Antagonist said...

I can't think of anything to say that doesn't sound trite, but I wanted to comment anyway and acknowledge what you have put out there for us. Yourself. You're a good person, Chani.

Suki said...

I hear you Chanakarn... and I'm always reading you even when I don't comment. Thank you for doing what you have done and what you're doing - I really can't think of what to say, but like Blog Antagonist above me I felt I need to acknowledge your feelings in this post.

painted maypole said...

Chani, what a gift, to think of you stopping and taking action on our behalf. What a gift that you give it, often unknown to us.

Inherent worth. You are so right. Thank you for saying it.

And, if you would, please explain what you mean by "make merit." This is a phrase i'm not familiar with.

Blessings...

we_be_toys said...

I definitely don't think you're a zealot - goodness as our birthright - I love that! My god, Chani - how can you say you make no impact?! It isn't always easy to tell where or how we've affected others, and it's easy to feel like our efforts are impotent or in vain, but I do believe that you make an impact for the better.

flutter said...

it is not your job to bridge. Simply to be a light. And you are.

I am sorry, and thank you.

Kathryn Knoll said...

See, now this is the real "test of our metal," the one I suppose the Angel face all the time: can we continue to witness all the pain, the brokenness, the indifference, the cultural clashes the destruction of beauty and life and still remain strong in the shining of our eternal light, even though we may feel more like a candle in a very strong wind? It is easy to be bathed in all the good times when things flow smoothly for everyone, but there's that darned free will program that exists, where people can choose and that sometimes really makes a mess of things. But, can we go on dispite that and continue to be the Lighthouse and the anchor, the voice of reason, the soothing balm when needed? It's really a choice, now and in each moment we live. We come in with a marshmallow soft heart, and it hurts, so the tendency is to turn the heart to stone, impervious to the pain or to strengthen the beautiful light grid around it so it reflects and does not falter for the sake of our world and our mission to unite as one heart. This is a time for you to take heart from others who know how things are but still keep going because there have been others who showed us the mirror of magnificence we are and we hold. Be strong, fear not. You and your little glowing marshmallow heart matter!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Well said.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I never take comments as a tit for tat activity. I feel that people will comment if they can or if they want to (either/or, not one dependent on the other).

Take care of what you need to do for you.

hele said...

I think you are just right being you*

And I too often cry because I so badly want to make it ok and I don't know how.

Border Explorer said...

Thank you for gifting me with a comment. This is a beautiful blog.

enigma4ever said...

oh I am so sorry it all hit..I know how that feels..and that yes it does matter and sometimes it is so overwhelming...namaste....

( BE above is right your blog is beautiful....and soothing..and a refuge- so sorry that sadness out there hit so hard..)

RKK said...

I am always here...sometimes later than sooner...because I get so much out of your thoughts and your writing. They have much more merit and matter than you might believe.

Forgive me if I am sometimes unable to comment in a way that I think would be pertinent. I often refrain for that reason, but your blog is still so appreciated.