Friday, October 31, 2008

Hard to Love....

Sometimes it's really hard to choose love...

As much as we might want to try.

This post is kind of personal and stupid. I won't be offended if anyone clicks away. It's just something I'd like to say. Thinking "out loud".

Tuesday, I went to apply for a part-time job. There's something I want to get done by January and a part-time job would help me do it. I'm not the only person who's tight on money right now ~ but I'm the only one who can do anything about my situation.

I didn't actually apply. I'd called on Monday and was led to believe that all I had to do was show up. So, I decided to take a long walk there. It was a pleasant day weatherwise. Not hot. Not cold. A little bit cloudy. The walk was more than a couple of miles but I was looking forward to that part.

Once I arrived at the "job site", I figured I'd be shown how to do the project which was building a simple database. There wouldn't even be much programming involved. If anything, it was a high level data entry. I'd been told that I could take the information home and do it from here. We'd even agreed on a price.

When I got there and met the woman in person, I could see it in her eyes that she didn't like what she saw. It wasn't an age thing, either. She knew from the phone call that I am "retired" which is usually a keyword for "not young and spry".

Maybe it was the clothes, although I know when to modify that. I'm not a moron. I didn't go in there looking like a temple dancer. If anything, I looked like an old hippie ~ which is how I look all the time. Maybe I looked like her ex-mother-in-law. Those things are always impossible to pinpoint. It could be anything and I'm not going to waste my energy trying to figure it out.

She gave me the "we have other people to talk with" speech and I knew right then. The call the previous day had been deceptive. I got up and left with a probably rather curt "good luck".

I went across the street to a shopping mall and consoled myself with a Thai lunch at a restaurant. Then I walked back here.

As the day went on, I began to ache. Every muscle. By the end of the day ~ and the next day ~ and yesterday, I felt like I'd been beaten up. All my muscles ached, my throat was sore and every step felt like walking through thick molasses. I was sick. As in no-shit-I'm-really-sick sick.

This morning, I feel better. Not entirely healed. But I do know the origin of the sickness and why I felt the way I did.

I seem to have a constitutional inability to tolerate dishonesty. This almost-Asperger's quality to my personality makes living in the world really difficult sometimes. Most people lie to avoid confrontation. They lie to make their own lives easier. They lie for a variety of reasons.

I'm not suggesting that we should be so honest that we're cruel. I don't think honesty has to be "rigourous" in the sense that we say everything that comes into our heads without regard for anyone else's feelings. I believe we can be honest and kind at the same time. To do so respects another person's autonomy and dignity. It allows them to make choices.

Is it unreasonable to say that I think it would have been perfectly okay for that woman to be honest with me? To simply say, "this isn't a good match and here's why"? What is the purpose of the deception? Why mislead me to benefit herself?

It's times like that when I find it hard to choose love in my life. It's times like that when all the old toxicity releases itself into my body and makes me sick. The root cause is rage. Unexpressed rage.

My rage isn't outwardly aggressive. It turns inward and makes me sick. Then it globalizes. Now that makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

It's an unhealthy dynamic and I'm aware of that part. I know that consciously choosing to love is important at those times.

It's important to choose to love because then I can feel some compassion for someone who is so uncomfortable that she couldn't tell another human being the truth. I can feel some compassion for the fact that she is likely not even aware of the damage she does when she misleads someone, leads him or her to believe something that isn't true, causing that person to take action on her words. I can feel some compassion for someone who is not living the life she could probably be choosing, if only she knew it existed.

I'm no longer angry at her. I just feel a sort of hollowness. And I know for certain now that I can never knowingly dunk my toes into that lake again.



Border Explorer said...

TChani, thank you for trusting us with such a personal disclosure. Your inner goodness shines brightly, and now I'm contemplating how difficult it is to live in a world marred with evil when you're extremely sensitive to it. Unfortunately, probably the majority develop callouses to harden ourselves. We accustom ourselves to evil and perpetrate it. I'm sorry for my part in creating this kind of atmosphere--that actually physically sickens you.

Coincidentally, in my post today I'm dealing with wishing evil on someone, somewhat similar to this.

meno said...

You know what i wish, honestly? I wish you would not call these more personal posts stupid.

I respond very viscerally to this kind of personal, in a good way. It's interesting for me to read about you.

That lady is a coward, as are many of us. She just did what was easiest for her.

Anonymous said...

One of the most frustrating things about looking for a job in Texas is that the Personnel department always makes you feel like you're the greatest potential employee they've ever met- and then you never hear from them again. Eventually I figured out that laying it on thick is just how they do things in the South. It makes their own lives easier.

And while I'm complaining, I think things got much worse for employees about the time they started calling it "Human Resources" instead of "Personnel." Coal is a resource, I am a person; I wonder sometimes if businesses can still tell the difference.

Defiantmuse said...

I have often been in your spot and I understand what you're feeling. I, too, wonder why people can't just be honest instead of making up (obvious) excuses/lies. Imagine how much lighter everyone could feel if things were more open and honest?

I agree with meno. I wish you didn't feel you had to excuse what you're writing before you get into it. I, for one, like reading these personal posts about you. And I don't think things like this are "stupid". It's very real emotion that affects so many people and you're opening dialogue about something pretty huge - why people so easily choose to be dishonest with one another.

Cecilieaux said...

I fail to see what could be so offputting about your appearance as to stop someone from hiring you to design and fill up a database at home. From that allegedly "nightmarish" picture of yours a couple of posts ago, even though a tad blurry, I see at a minimum a very pleasing golden face with soft, blue eyes and fluffy blonde hair. I sense you're probably appealing to men, but I don't see an ounce of threat for a woman. Maybe I'm missing something, but if I were you, I wouldn't worry about my appearance. Something else was going on.

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

I'm so sorry she treated you so shabbily. I understand a little bit about turning negative energy inward, and I hope you're feeling better today. Thank you for sharing with us the way you processed this encounter.

Carol said...

Thanks for sharing your process so beautifully


Phooey on that woman!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

It's impossible to know why you weren't hired, but I sincerely doubt that it was anything you did or anything you are.

The important lesson here (yes, always there is a lesson) is that you are not emotionally equipped to handle situations you perceive as rejection. They are difficult for nearly everyone, but for you, devastating.

Please protect yourself as you would a cherished friend by not placing Chani in such a position again. And remember that above all, the greater loss was hers.

Village Farang said...

If you look at it from a slightly different angle, one could say she made her position quite clear. You had no difficulty in understanding her true meaning or intent. She just didn't tell you the way you wanted to be told. Guessing how each individual needs to be handled can be quite a challenge.

Not trying to minimize your pain here, just helping you look at it from a different perspective.

SUEB0B said...

People are so afraid of being sued. Employment law is so tricky. If she had told you that she just didn't like your looks, you may have had cause for an age discrimination suit - not that you would sue, but the fear of expensive legal action controls so much behavior.

flutter said...

most people abhor confrontation and the lying little platitudes keep that from happening

Brandi said...

but I do see compassion in that last paragraph. maybe you don't feel it in the moment, when you are being lied to, when you are disappointed but it's there.

now to be completely honest, my trigger point is people who are cruel to animals. That's where I have no love and frankly, don't try that hard to find any.

Anonymous said...

Lying is typically the act of an unskillful of fearful person.It is hard to live in the world- it is full of fearful and ignorant people but we all have our flaws. Dishonesty is one of my least favorite traits for sure- give it to me straight up please so I can know what I'm facing. Interesting that you use the dx Asperger's re: difficulty lying- that's so true but only a few know that. It sounds like you went unprepared, with a very vulnerable heart and a virus got in there! It's ok to share and it's not pathological to use positive defenses!

Leann said...

There's not much else I can say here that everyone else hasn not covered. Please try to remember that this was her 'problem' not yours. It had nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with her and her perceptions.

Take care and head up chica.

Rebecca said...

In situations like this people won't be entirely forthcoming due to fear of lawsuits. There is a lot of subtle age discrimination in the workplace. Most people my age (over 50) shave at least 10 years of work history off their resumes just to get in the door. It's appalling.

FranIAm said...

I think that you are dealing with something difficult with your usual insight and grace.

It is still hard though.

I love that you say that it is important to choose love - so very true and hard to do.

jstele said...

I think she was honest, although not completely open, about her response. She wanted to look for another candidate. I wouldn't take it to heart even though it is hard not to get the job.

I must say that you said that you had walked in there looking like an old hippie. I'm thinking that would be too casual for the workplace. It's better to dress more formally for interviews.

Perhaps it is a blessing not to get this job. Maybe there is something better out there for you.

People don't just hire based on qualifications, but how well they think they will mesh with the candidate. This doesn't mean that you guys have to be chummy, but sometimes, one can tell when there is not a good fit. You need to find the right fit for you and it is where people will work well with who you are.

Finanacial Help said...

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get-bigger said...

yes it is nice.

womaninawindow said...

I know that hollowness. It's such a deflation. I'm sorry you were there at all.

Does it make you feel any better that states and states and provinces away that is exactly what my brood is sick with. I see it weaving through the fabric of families across North America. Creepy, really. But it was the flu, I think. And I hope now you are better and flicking Hallowe'en wrappers onto the floor. Oh no, wait. That's my brood again.

MsLittlePea said...

This was really unfair treatment. I can't imagine and am trying to understand how your appearance would have anything to do with it. Are you sure that maybe she hadn't told too many people the same thing she told you to get in as many applicants as possible? Whatever her reasons, it's a horrible way to be treated and I can relate to how you felt. What I can't relate to is how you were able to let go of your hurt and anger because I think it's not something I know how to do yet. I would still be feeling upset and let down. I've been in the position of thinking something was going to happen for me and then....nothing. It's disappointing and I sympathize.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I think so often we are "trained" to deceive - that this is what this particular society expects from us in work settings.

It's one of the many things that's sick about our lifestyle.

No wonder we all get things like RA and Fibro and autism, etc. - diseases of poison within and the lack of ability to communicate.

Anonymous said...

Here is where forgiveness is key.

thailandchani said...

99ppp, you have no idea how on target you are!


Joan said...

As I read this post I cringed on the inside (with a huge outpouring of compassion I might add) as I, too, look like an old hippie and I always wonder when the day will come when this very same 'reaction' happens to me and I stop and wonder for a moment when the hell I got so 'OLD'... lol.
Now, about the 'woman/child'... she probably reacted to you in the only way she knew how.
She probably has a ton of internal pain and denial, and people like that will not be honest with you, because she does not possess the ability to be honest with herself.
And Chani I understand about choosing love, but some people just aren't open to receive.
Soooo, when she rejected you, everything SHE internalizes just came pouring out and went seeping right into you, as you dear heart were the one who was open.
I am so sorry all of this happened, and I understand about the pain side of it as I battle Fibromyalgia and what you described happens to me too.

I'm glad it only lasted a day, and hopefully all of the encouragement you received here was enough to begin filling your well as to help get you beyond the hollowness.

The woman obviously is 'little' and all she knew to do was to 'belittle' with her tone and her body language.

Lol... you probably should have reached out and HUGGED her!!!

too funny.

Bless you Chani.