Thursday, November 20, 2008

Coming to Peace....


“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha


... and perhaps increased understanding...

Thanks for all the great comments on my last post. I've had a few days to think about them and have come to a few conclusions.

(I have deleted part of this post that basically expresses a lot of mean-spirited opinions about another person. That is not really what I want to project into the world so removing it is the only thing that feels right. I've left the parts that pertain to me - my feelings and experience. It's simply not my place to take someone else's inventory on this site. I apologize for being so mindless.)

At the risk of sounding selfish, I have been giving from an empty well for a long time. My primary concern right now is to fill that up. I am coming out of a very long drought that has left me parched and thirsty. My life force is low. My companionship needs are not being met and I spend far more time alone than I think is healthy. Not to say I don't enjoy my alone time ~ but there's a point where it becomes unhealthy. The truth is that I'm not getting any younger, either ~ and I have my own issues to address.

That means I can't be around this house as much as I have been. I've signed up for volunteer work and have signed up for a Tai Chi class on the weekends. There are activities at one of the wats and I have to get all my "stuff" organized so that I can move easily. Right now, my energy has to be focused on creating my own social network and my own life.

I will always continue to give to others when and where it is appropriate and am given the opportunity to do so but I am not going to sacrifice my own well being for someone who is incapable of reciprocity.

Not score-keeping. Reciprocity. They're not the same.





~*

10 comments:

Anvilcloud said...

What you say here makes a lot of sense. Best of luck in finding a better situation.

Mariposa said...

Well, I've been used in past...not just once...and I allowed it to happen, and it does not feel good to look back to it...so I understand what you are going through.

I admire your strength to stand firm in your decision...and yes, getting yourself involved with other people and fun activities is a healthy way of preserving your core energy.

I hope all things go well for you...

Sending happy thoughts!

Christy said...

Good luck in your new apartment, if that is where this is leading....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I applaud your intention to take care of yourself and to sacrifice no more to the bottomless pit of her need.

I have learned the hard way that the first step toward healthy relationships in which we are loved and respected is to love and respect ourselves. I was raised to always put myself last, but that just sets one up to be treated badly by the world.

Exhausting your own precious resources for one who doesn't even acknowledge you is simply wasteful. Your life is worth so much more than that.

Molly said...

Ditto to all of the above....But what I really want to know is how you are liking Tai Chi? I hope you have a good teacher.

womaninawindow said...

Maybe you'll find the perfect place. (Now I'm getting all excited.) I remember once I longed for the perfect place and the only perfection I sought after was in afternoon dust being caught on lightbeams. Never did find that place. Maybe you will.

Border Explorer said...

"yes to all"
Cheering you on...

starrlife said...

That sound well thought out and perfect for you!

Angela said...

Reciprocity. Man, I love that concept. You know, it's only healthy self-love and protection, usually, that causes us to put up an emotional shield. And it seems to have helped you look at some things in your life that you feel need changing - so that's a good thing. I seem to run into this a lot, although it's never overt and that can be confusing. I go with my gut.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Reciprocity is important. I had some users in my life a few years ago and made it clear that that wasn't going to be acceptable anymore and they left. It was interesting.

It also proved that they were truly non-friendships.

I'm glad you'll be getting out of the house more and meeting new people.