Rest in Peace, Thao Nuan.....

Yesterday I attended a service for a friend who passed away very suddenly last week. While I didn't attend the cremation, this was an "after service" to give him a send-off into the next world. (Buddhist cosmology. Too much for here.. but it's very nice.)

There were monks chanting, food served for him to take with him into the afterlife and plenty of praying, pouring water into the roots of a tree and saying our farewells to him. It was beautifully handled by a well-oiled community who made sure to not only take care of Nuan's passage but to take care of his wife as well. There were gifts of money, food and companionship. She, naturally, is still feeling tender and I spent quite some time just holding her. She's too young to be having this experience. She's only 42. Nuan was only 59. There was no warning. This kind of loss is for people my age, not hers.

I saw a lot people I haven't seen in a very long time since I stopped going to the wat several months ago. It was wonderful to see how all the factions melted. We were all there for one reason: to support his wife. I am so glad I didn't chicken out and not go. Her reaction made it clear that she wanted me there. She is a sweet, sweet woman! I wish I could take this pain from her. There was no room for my tears or regret then. I felt it strongly when I looked at the mirror mounted on the wall that he always used to get ready for work. But this was for her. My sorrow would have to wait. I shed a few tears in the car.

What I remember most about Nuan is that he immediately took me into the "family" the first time he met me. There was no hesitation. He began to plan and plot how to find me a man. My friend Mary translated all of this to me since he didn't speak very much English. (I'm laughing at the memory.) He was so adamant! Very animated! There was no acceptable outcome in his opinion, other than to see me happily settled into married life with a good, honorable Lao man. A woman shouldn't be alone, he said.

He was sincere. This wasn't superficial social chit-chat. He even discussed it with people in my absence.

And when I was around him, I felt safely wrapped in his integrity. He was a man who was committed to taking care of his family and his community. He didn't drink, use drugs or smoke. He was always trying to learn something new and after working all day, he came home and studied. He studied English, history and things related to his trade. He was an awesome father, providing a good education and a good home for his three children. He wasn't a leader in the community but anyone who didn't realize he was a pillar wasn't paying attention. He was an awesome friend.

He made me feel protected, embraced and accepted, all at the same time. That's quite a constellation of feelings. Whenever I would go to their house, I never felt foreign or like a visitor. I was just one of the family. The last time we did get together, I was still in a rather fragile emotional state myself - and he is one of the few men I trusted then.. or now.

He will be missed by all of us who knew him. He was a simple, honorable and kind man.

Rest in Peace, Nuan Xayavong. We, your community, your sangha, will take care of things here. You're free now.

May these few memories be a blessing to his family.


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