Sacred Life Sunday: My inner drill sergeant....

This morning's class, even though it was the last, was the best one we've had through the series. Many people opened up and talked about their own concerns for the future, what they wanted to do and how to help each other manifest it. The overall topic was forming community and how to be of service within the community.

Most people had something to say about what they felt blocked them from offering all they could. Some brought up the disconnectedness among all of us. Others brought up the "faux busyness" so many use to isolate themselves. One woman, the youngest among us, came up with a good solution using technology. We brainstormed it roundtable fashion and I was enchanted! In my element! By the end of the class, three or four of us agreed to get together and talk about how to make it happen.

It had little to do with Life Coaching but within a larger context, it definitely incorporated the purpose of it.

As I'd agreed to do last week, I was coached in front of everyone. Procrastination was my topic. The facilitator (who is also the instructor) sat patiently while I unpacked the many reasons for my chronic procrastination. I can find a million and one excuses to not do something I'm afraid of doing. Fear is definitely at the root of it. When I want to do something, I definitely get it done which is true for most of us.

We used my visiting a group that is not structured and is not a classroom setting as the focus. What steps can I take to make myself go? I also gave myself permission to decide that it might be the wrong move for me, that perhaps I'm not yet ready for purely social situations. Unless there is a higher purpose, I can't see forcing myself to be someone I am not. The only way to find out if it is really who I am or whether it's just more fear-based choice-making is to attend something and see how it feels.

My internal judge is very, very harsh which showed during the coaching session. There is no drill sergeant in any boot camp in this country who could possibly be any harder on me than I am on myself. Other people in the class commented on that as a matter of fact. They were a bit startled to hear how harsh and judgmental I was when it came to my excuses. I have a habit of speaking to myself in a way that would get me punched out if I spoke to anyone else that way.

I admitted all my fears and the reasons for them. I was open about being afraid of situations like that because I don't feel adequate. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of judgment. I'm afraid of going into a situation where I have to do the whole "will I be accepted" dance with a bunch of strangers. I don't trust people to be kind. It exposes every bit of the miasma that resides at the core of me. It exposes parts of me that I've been very good at burying for a lot of years. There is absolutely nothing in my general appearance that would reveal that I feel that way. Like a demon on my shoulder, it just whispers in my ear and keeps me trapped. Coaching, which is not counseling or mentoring, was used to help me walk through ways to move forward. It's all about making a commitment and following through with some level of accountability.

It was a little awkward, admitting in front of so many people that I am a complete chicken when it comes to engaging community without a "job" or designated purpose. In the strictest sense, I think we did a good job of moving through it and coming up with some solid ideas for progress.

I got through it and hopefully we all learned something from it.

Now I'm looking for the next class!



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