Weekend: Feathers in the Wind...

One of the things I do after I've found myself in some sort of conflict is to spend some time in quiet thought. It is also when I call in my team of trusted others, those who know me, whom I know and with whom I have a relationship that allows for frank discussion.

One of those people is Ajahn S. I trust his judgment and perception without question.

After Wednesday's conflict, I needed his perspective. I wrote him an email, explaining what had occurred from my perspective, provided him with all the links and relevant data.. and asked him to tell me his thoughts.

He has given me permission to reprint them here. Since English is his second language, I have edited. He has seen it and approved of the changes I made, none of which involve content.

His comments are in italics.

"I don't want to sound like a fortune cookie, but if this roundtable discussion has pushed a button in you that would set you off that severely, then you have been given a great gift. When our behavior is all that we want it to be, we don't learn much of anything about ourselves. You've been given an opportunity to dig into something that gets you right where you live."

It would have been quite a stretch to get me to buy this one on first glance! I didn't feel like I'd been given a gift. It felt more like a sucker punch!

He continues:

"Now, maybe, in order to deal with that, you need to take some time away. Fine. But please don't just turn tail and run. And don't blame it on anyone else. "

It was not and is not my intent to blame anyone else.. or to turn tail and run. What I really want to learn is a way to disagree more effectively, how to use my voice without it getting loud and brash. I want to be heard.. in a gentler way.

"I'm reminded of something someone said to me, many years ago, about mental illness. He said, "Heck, if we could send everybody on an endless cruise -- no stress, no poverty -- there wouldn't _be_ any mental illness." I've always felt that he was exaggerating, but there is a little kernel of truth in what he was saying. It's the things that _stress_ us, that _challenge_ our ideas about ourselves, that teach us most about who we are. I'm not suggesting that you run face-first into an electric fan, but it would be sad and wasteful for you to ignore this opportunity to learn more about yourself. How else can you grow and change for the better?"

This is a good point... but I would like to examine is how we can ALL do this better. I don't mean that in a judgmental sense. What I mean is establishing a way that will give us all the freedom to engage in conflicting opinions without hurting each other. How can we disagree without creating collateral damage? I'm well aware of the fact that I created a bit more than my share. Why do we so often find ourselves in conflict and there are bloody bodies found among the survivors? Others are simply annihilated.

"The way that we can develop compassion for even the people who don't have any compassion is to be able to bear to catch ourselves in the moments when our compassion is missing-in-action or otherwise deficient. If we give into the urge to blame our lapse on the phase of the moon or western technology or whatever, then we miss out on that opportunity, and we'll spend the rest of our lives looking down (however subtly) on others. "

Isn't it true? There is usually something we can manage to find as an object of blame. It would have been different if we'd been in person? It would have been different if the zebra crossed the road at the right time on Tuesday?

That doesn't quite make sense, does it? Not really. We all own our lapses. I own mine.

"So, as I see it, you're at a choice point. Do you scramble madly to distance yourself from your actions and remove any sense of responsibility (that's the clinging-to-the-need-to-be-right part)? Or do you sit down and say, wow, I really did something that I find reprehensible. And you sit with that, literally, in meditation. Poke it, prod it, feel it, feel around it, accept it, reject it, analyze it, fantasize about it, in short -- work through it. Believe me, in the long run, you'll be a far more humane being for doing so. And that is what it's all about, right?"

With loving-kindness,
S******

I think that is what we all wanted. And the further we try to distance ourselves from these issues, the more they repeat themselves. As women, we are not accustomed to conflict or disagreement. We are trained to make nice-nice and never offend. So when the volcano begins to rumble, it can overflow so quickly that it seems spontaneous. During that conflict, I hurt another human being with my words. Words matter. If you don't believe me, take a feather pillow to the top of a mountain, rip it open and let the feathers fly in the wind. Now go try to pick them up. That is what careless speech is like. There is no way to ever take those words back ~ and nothing is ever the same again.

What that does is effectively contribute to silencing all of us ~ making us more reluctant to discuss the important stuff next time ~ even though we have a similar goal, to make the world a better place and to understand and resolve complex issues.

We are all good people.

I believe that. We need to remember that. I need to remember that.

With loving-kindness...

Indeed.

Of course, I would like to hear your views and thoughts on conflict and conflict resolution, how you respond to conflict, how you deal with it.

~*~

** Please take a few moments to go this site and offer Jenn some support. Of course, I send all of my best healing thoughts to her.

~*

Insularity

There has been a rather contentious argument going on at BlogRhet. Some may have noticed that I've been participating in the fray.

Yes. I was angry. And I know it's unusual for me to express it so strongly.

However, a dynamic took place there that really disturbed me. People were being "othered" because their views didn't match the dominant view.

I've never seen that before. Not there. It's always been one of the more respectable forums around the Internet.

I was one of the ones who was "othered", so I feel like I can address this with that personal perspective as well as a broader point of view.

It was the stuff of real alienation.

The topic is racism. The predominant, acceptable viewpoint is that, yes, white people have no right to say anything about it because, after all, we're white ~ and therefore we're imbued with a certain level of privilege.

And I'm calling bullshit.

I have spent eleven months on the peripheries of this community we've all had a part in building. And I've been hurt a few times by something that happened or didn't happen. I've apologized.. and been apologized to.. and it all worked out in the end.

This time feels different.

Due to my viewpoint being different, I was flat-out snubbed.

And I'm pissed off because I don't deserve that kind of treatment. I don't do it.. and I don't blanketly accept it.

Even more importantly, my view is a valid one to be put on the table with everyone else's.

My opinion, in a nutshell, is that racism is a function of capitalism, it is a function of economic inequality.

We can natter on for the next ten years about what a shame it is that members of the larger human community are marginalized but until the basic reality of economic equality is addressed, we'll be nattering about the same thing for ten years after that!

I say this here because I can't be censored here.. and I can't be "othered". I can't be silenced in this space. And yes, dismissing someone is silencing.

I resent the implication that because my skin is a certain color, I don't have a voice.. and I don't have a right to use it. Guilt is a powerful bullying tool.

That is about as racist as it gets!

When we really want to solve the problem, we're going to have to be willing to deconstruct it and look at all the elements, even those that make us uncomfortable.

It means we might have to change some of our fundamental views and it means we might have to change some cherished customs.

Like produce-and-consume.

Like economic inequality.

Like blanket discrimination of anyone who doesn't toe the mainstream line.

When there's a willingness to do that, then some useful change might take place.

Until then, the nattering and complaining will go on.... and on...

....and on.

And that's my sorng baht.

Take it or leave it.

~*

Finding Our Voices....

At first, I had a bit of a balk at the thought of "empowerment".

I am so not about power.

I am attracted to humility, modesty, gentleness. My sensibilities belong to another place and time.

Power has a different feel. Aggression. Oppression. All sorts of nasty gnarly things. It resonates of the self-help movement which I, generally speaking, despise.

So when the call was put out by BlogRhet (via Slouching Mom) to answer the question as to whether blogging empowers women, or more specifically does my blog empower me, I was going to skip the exercise and wait for the next one.

If I use the term "empower" in its original meaning before it was coopted by politics and the self-help movement, that being "to enable, to authorize", I was able to look at the question differently.

In that respect, yes, my blog enables me. My blog authorizes me to speak by the cultural norms of the wide open Internet, the virtual roundtable where we can all speak our minds.

It's more contemporary version of the soap box.

It is here that I can put my thoughts and ideas out for general consumption, learn new perspectives from the comments of others and tap into the wisdom of the community.

As for the enabling and authorizing me as a woman specifically, I don't think so. The Internet is, in a sense, the great equalizer. It is principles before personality. It is the one place where I can get beyond anyone's snap judgment or perception of this rather eccentric middle-aged woman with an abundance of pounds and too much Thai jewelry. Here is where my brain gets to play. Here's where my ideas are put out on the table, surrounded by people brighter and far more educated from all over the world. My ideas are tested. And I get feedback. And I grow and learn daily.

It offers me contact with people I would otherwise never have the honor of knowing. Geography, social status, demographics and many things divide us. Blogs unite us, men and women alike.

I also want to publicly thank the women of BlogRhet for its inclusivness. If there is such a thing as "empowerment", inclusiveness is the stem cell.

Peace,



~Chani