May as well try and catch the wind.....

During the night, Cecileaux left the following comment that got me thinking.

I am much more sentimental than you, but I'm coming to think (especially after a long weekend with a woman) that I am better off not partnered, as all attempts to relate are full of craziness (lots of it mine).

Needless to say, I would like to hear more from him on this subject.

I've been giving more thought to this topic since the first of the year than I probably should. In some ways, it feels like some inexplicable thing, something that certainly no one would truly understand (which explains why I've had such a hard time finding it) or perhaps even wants to understand.

The realization finally sunk in that I will probably never be partnered in the conventional sense.

I would like a companion but I don't want romance. I don't want the craziness, the drama, the clingy togetherness, the expectations based on need. I'm too old for the roller coaster ride. I want friendship, loving friendship. I want what Alice Walker calls "quiet companionability". I want to get up in the morning, have coffee with someone, have pleasant conversation. Intelligent conversation over a Diet Coke in the back yard. Being comfortable together in silence. Caring support of each other in daily life. I want to have someone else's back and have someone have mine.

However, I am incapable of being a slave to other people's needs, especially someone's sexual needs.

Last February, my final walk through the labyrinth of dating confirmed all of this for me.

There are no words to describe how utterly sick that experience made me, how it repulsed me. This isn't a statement of simple bitterness from a woman who had a bad experience. I realized there was a common element to all the "romantic" relationships I've had over the years.

I felt objectified and it's been impossible to get beyond that. It doesn't seem to evolve beyond the sense of being an object of prey ~ for either party in a romantic context. Each comes with his or her laundry list of expectations and wants. Cecilieaux wrote an excellent post on this topic a few months back.

One of the best things about my ex-husband is that his mind was completely open to any configuration of relationship that two people can devise. He often quoted a book called 'The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress'. After reading it, I could see the logic in it. I wanted separate bedrooms. I had separate bedrooms. I wanted to write. He supported that. He never picked at me, trying to turn me into his ideal image of what I should be.

That is not to say we didn't have our problems. We did. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't go into all of them here but they were irreconcilable finally. In short, he was a cold fish and I couldn't live with that. I often felt emotionally abandoned which is something I can't live with .. and that's why I divorced him. He would have hung around forever out of inertia.

What are the chances of finding someone who is willing to have a primary relationship that is based on friendship and sharing of resources without getting caught up in the muck and mire that surrounds "romance"?

What is it about romance that brings out these worse qualities in us?

I'll be curious to hear from others.


Peace,


~Chani