Grace in Small Things?

Okay. I'm coming out of the closet.

Lately, I've been reading (and enjoying) the "Grace in Small Things" posts that many have been doing. I'd love to be doing them, too.

But the truth is.... I don't find grace in everyday things. Sometimes grace is found in small things, sure, but not everyday things.

Most of everyday life feels to me to be a combination of frustration and busy work. It's petty problem-solving and maintenance. It's drip-drip-drip.

I know it's not "cool" to say that.. or to admit seeing it that way. In some regards, it probably sounds a bit devaluing and perhaps even arrogant. After all, I should be able to find it. I've filled my head with Thomas Moore and others who write on the topic of finding the sacredness in everyday life.

And it just doesn't seem very meaningful. It doesn't resonate.

I find grace in nature. That is my refuge. I love growing things, the creation of nature and amazing geography. Waterfalls and oceans. Mountains. Animals. Plants. Flowers. Beautiful trees. They scream out "sacred".

I find grace in big things ~ in miracles which I believe occur regularly. There is grace and beauty in the animal world, in extraordinary acts of ordinary human beings. Acts of kindness. People who consistently put something else ahead of themselves. Passion for causes and a desire to make the world a better, more equitable, place.

One of my greatest fears is being stuck in a "Groundhog Day" existence of problem-solving, busy work and life maintenance. I'm a casualty of "Babbit". I read that book way back in high school and frankly it scared the living hell out of me. I vowed then and there that I would make sure my life didn't resemble Babbit's with his pathetic lament, "I never did a single thing I wanted to do." (For those who don't remember, that comment was made when giving advice to his son upon his marriage. Babbit's complaint was that he'd never done a single thing he wanted to do because he gave in to social expectations and householder responsibilities.)

My life is very controlled in many ways. Bills are paid automatically. Everything that can be automated has been clicked into place and the system flows seamlessly. Most of the time. As I mentioned in a previous post, a phone call doesn't even come into this house without my controlling who, when and under what circumstances.

On the other hand, even though the control can be a good thing from the standpoint of organization, I may have built such high walls that things are kept out that should be let in. There should be a better balance.

This is perhaps my greatest weakness (some might even say 'character flaw') and I admitted to a friend a while back that the karma is terrifying. What if the universe decides I need to learn next time about accepting responsibilities gracefully?

Ugh. You know. Just ugh! When I see how most people have to live, it terrifies me. It terrifies me for them.

This isn't permission to be irresponsible and I'm not. I keep my agreements. The thing is that I keep a very tight lid on how many agreements I'll make and the circumstances of them.

I've been given the greatest gift of any lifetime.. and that is the ownership of my time. There's not a single day that I don't wake up and thank God/Buddha/The Universe/Deity of Choice for that gift. I'm determined to not abuse it.

Still... I suspect I'd be a more mature, wiser and perhaps even better person if I was able to find the grace in everyday life.. and opened up to it a bit more, without the ironclad control.

~*