Sacred Life Sunday: Back to the Wall....

This morning's class was a real challenge!

It was about putting the philosophical into practical application. It's easy to philosophize things. It's even easy to admit my considerable fears and reservations. To commit to change is entirely different.

The instructor had us write a list of things we are willing to do to become spiritually mature.

I pulled out my stenography notebook and began writing. It flowed out and I let it. I wanted to see where it would go.

1. Be brave! In small steps. Be willing to step outside of my comfort zone, despite social phobia. Spend less time in the company and safety of written words and more in the company of living beings.

2. Be brave! To get beyond fear of inclusion. Being included does not automatically mean I will be engulfed. Trust others. Trust that they will respect my boundaries. Trust that I will respect theirs.

3. Be brave! Be willing to corral some of my gypsy spirit and commit to being part of a group. Be flexible Get over fear of group politics.

4. Be brave! Trust that God will catch me before I fall. I'm terrified of spiritual heights and I've found much safety in "living small" so I'd be safe. I've avoided fearful things rather than confronting them.

5. Be brave! Stop living in abject fear of rejection. It has kept me from growing in every area of my life. Let go of the past and participate in the future.

This was all very easy to write, as I said. I'm good at that. (I didn't even edit it before including it here. This is exactly as it came out in class.)

And then I remember how terrified I'd been for the half hour I had to stand around before the class started. There were hundreds of people, all attending a service or going to a different class. It was like standing still for a picture and not knowing what to do with my hands. I scanned the environment for an escape. Go out and wait in my car. Find the restroom. Anything that would remove me from that awkward position, surrounded by families and friends, all of whom knew each other. I felt like an idiot standing alone.

I wanted to run.

So... even knowing I have to overcome these things to fully reach my own potential and to contribute something meaningful to the community, I still want to run and hide. It's scary. Very scary!

Now I have to come up with an actionable plan, something I am willing to do to get beyond these things. It doesn't have to be a permanent and immediate solution ~ but it has to be something I can actually do.

That is my task during the week and then next Sunday, I will likely be coached publicly in front of the class. (That should interesting! Ahem.) Anyway, that is my first Be Brave step. I will allow the instructor to coach me that way - and I will be honest.

Now I'm going to go hide under the bed for a while. I think I need a warm blanket and a teddy bear. :)



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