Warm blankets and safe places....

A few days ago, Flutter left a message in my comment box that has stuck with me for the past three days or so.

Since I take language so literally and create pictures from the words I read, the "warm blanket" reference was significant.

What is better than a warm blanket after being out in the cold?

Just imagine for a minute... Coming in from outside. It's cold. It's windy. You sit in your favorite chair or lay on the bed and cover yourself with a warm blanket.

Kind of says it all, doesn't it?

We all have something that represents a warm blanket for us. I got to thinking about mine ~ and that of course led to other thoughts. I am nothing if not entirely tangential.

My warm blanket is, of course, Thailand. The fact that it exists, that I share the earth with it, that I have been so blessed to find it, feels like a warm blanket in my life. Knowing I will be there one day, surrounded by the geography I love so much, the people I value so much, sustains me through a lot of things.

My greatest fear is dying far away from home and home is there.

I am surrounded by so much that is Thai ~ my clothes, my jewelry, my surroundings here at home, my amulets ~ all of those things keep me connected. There is a constant sense of gratitude within me for the generations of people who created the culture that I enjoy so much and live as fully as possible today. It's the greatest gift I have been given in this life.

It's the warm blanket that finally stopped my shivering.

It's always felt cold here. It's not that anyone is unpleasant to me. It's so rare for me to personally encounter unpleasantness in my day to day life that it's shocking when it occurs. You know, it stands out. People are honestly nice to me. They're kind. That seems to be the type of people I draw. In a way, I'm spoiled by that. I take it for granted. And I really shouldn't.

It's the warmth that had been lacking. I've never felt much warmth while living here or growing up here. I was so hungry for it yet couldn't define it until I experienced it elsewhere. I didn't know how to create it. As a kid, when I asked for it at home, I was ridiculed and mocked. I don't think I'll ever forget that day. I was around 12 years old and asked for affection. I never felt safe to ask again. Truly. I didn't know how to get what I needed ~ so I gave up.

I felt that warmth in Thailand. And I didn't have to ask for it.

The words aren't clear for me, how to describe the difference between kindness and warmth. It's rather subtle and it's still running circles through my mind. The warmth I felt in Thailand was a level of acceptance, an inclusion, a legitimate emotional affection. It felt like we breathed the same air. We were all human beings, sharing the experience of being alive together.

The kindness and pleasantness I get in my life right now is wonderful and I'm not trying to diminish it. It's just different. And it's that difference that I'm trying to capture with words.

Here, I get the sense that there's a wall around everyone ~ and, yes, they'll be nice but don't think for a minute that you'll ever really get in. And heaven forbid that anything should interfere with their oh-so-busy lives. There's a fortress mentality and a huge, alligator-filled moats surround the lives of most people we meet. It's like a land of islands ... millions and millions of little.. lonely.. islands.

I'm certainly not the only one who has ever noticed. It's hardly unique. Writers have written about it for generations much better than I can. Everyone wants a warm blanket, a safe place ~ not because of unhappiness or tragedy ~ but just because sometimes a warm blanket is the only thing we need.

~*

On an unrelated note, I want to sincerely thank everyone who left me kind thoughts for the surgery. I have never ever had 21 people wish me well for anything. Not in my entire life! This morning, I'm sitting here smiling. I really do have so much to be grateful for these days.

~*


Peace,


~Chani