Tagging, reciprocity and a few other things....

I've come to some rather startling conclusions over the past few days... not just about this site.. but about some things in general.

It's always interesting to me how life gives us lessons in the most peculiar ways. If we stand at the ready, open to receiving, we get it... and it's liberating.

I've made a few commitments here that I can not keep.

The tagging: I explained that the other day... that I've chosen to not remain so dogmatic about it, instead choosing a middle road that will allow me to tag if I feel like it.. and not tag if I don't.

That's certainly easy enough. We all change.. and the reason I changed on that is because I recognized that it was limiting me. It was limiting me from doing something that occasionally feels appropriate. It's also easy to rationalize these things.. when perhaps we are taking a stand more out of self-protection than legitimate logic.

I also promised that I would never change my blogroll, that I would steadfastly hold on to anyone added.

For the most part, that is true.. but I've also come to realize something in that, too.

One of the things I used to dislike so much when I was far more social than I am now is the feeling that I was the one who would faithfully stand by, when others had long since moved on. I made a commitment back then that I want equal relationships in my life, unless it was otherwise agreed upon. You know, there are times when people come along and we want to support them as best as we can ~ and we want to "be there" (I hate that phrase) for them in an exclusive way, not expecting any reciprocity. I've done it in terms of personal energy, money or other things when that seemed like the right thing to do.

My blogroll was a reflection of those old habits, that somehow I didn't have the right to ask for reciprocity ~ or for an equal relationship. I was content to take the leftovers, content to be the last one remembered, content to be always on the fringes. It got to a point where other people's leftovers even started to taste good.

Maybe I've grown up too much to find that appealing anymore.

So my blogroll will change.. as people come and go. Unless I have an equal relationship with people (where it has not been agreed upon otherwise), I'm not going to hang on.. just so that I can feel ever-so-faithful.

I'm not angry.. or upset with anyone. I simply want to be perfectly honest about who I am, even if it is a part of me that some won't like.

I'm not a saint. I'm not some disembodied figure sitting under the Bodhi tree, trying to dispense wisdom. I am an all-too very human woman with the same desires as everyone else. To be a "part of", not "apart from".

I don't think I was willing to accept the fact that in some cases, people simply don't have anything in common. I held firm to the belief that we can always find something, if we try hard enough.

And that is partially true. But not entirely. Everyone has to want the same thing.

The fact can not be altered that I am older. I am eccentric. I do not live a mainstream life. I do not have children. I'm a dreamer with my head in the clouds most of the time. I love books and ideas, thoughts and concepts. I'm an abstract thinker. My attachment to the physical world is really rather minimal. The things that drive most people mean very little to me.

I say all of this because some people are off the blog roll now. It comes from no ill will. It simply comes from the fact that we apparently do not have enough in common to sustain a blogging relationship or it became too lopsided.

I wish the best for those people, although I doubt they'll see this.

Beyond a commitment to remain honest, to have integrity and honor in the things I write here and a legitimate caring and good will toward those I interact with, who can know what might happen in the future?

But I suspect it will be good.

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