Friday, December 26, 2008

Fatigue, Frustration or Fear.....

If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace. - Eckhart Tolle

I am still on dial-up, perhaps for another day (assuming the problem can be solved). At any rate, I figured it was still time to post something.

This past month has been one of many changes for me, all of them good in the longrun.

By some weird twist of fate, I was able to spend an hour on the phone with Mona Grayson. For those of you unfamiliar with her, she does a lot of work with the methods developed by Byron Katie.

Ordinarily, I don't go for that kind of thing so much ~ finding it rather shallow and ineffective. Furthermore, "success-motivation" is extremely unappealing to me.

Still, the conversation evolved between us rather naturally and we skipped the superficial stuff and got right into some more global concepts. She taught me how to use the Byron Katie method which is basically a series of questions we can ask ourselves about any given situation. The situation itself is irrelevant. It's our beliefs that matter. The real purpose of the questions is to challenge our own beliefs.

They are:

1) Is this true?

2) Do I know for a fact that it's true?

3) How do I react when I have this belief?

4) How would my life be different without the belief?

As an example, one of my beliefs has been "I have to remain angry about the world because it proves I care".

That belief certainly brings me no peace and is disrupting the natural flow of life. I can't be a 24/7, wall-to-wall, 365-days-a-year dissident and remain in balance. It is a belief I have to release. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I have to be willing to look at things differently and develop a new approach.

The method is not the be-all and end-all, but it's a good method to use, just to check in with ourselves and see what we're believing and why. It's a good starting point.

Another thing that occurred is the last tie I have to this area has been released. I no longer choose to have a tie to the wat because the people are unreliable. It's constant false starts and people not following through on commitments. The person I was closest to here and I have decided to move on. Basically, it was about the same issue: unreliability. She was constantly setting appointments with me and not showing up or calling. Her excuse was the usual "I've been busy." Yeah. Well. We all are. Time to move on.

The final tie was to my doctor. When we find a good doctor, someone who understands the integral nature of all of our health issues, it's good to stick with the guy. You know? That was my intent and I was willing to stay here to continue working with him.

Well, according to the news reports, he was driving on a foggy night at a high rate of speed (90 miles an hour) and may or may not have been drunk. He totaled his car and died on the scene. Of course I am sorry for his family and friends. I hope he has found peace on the Other Side.

From a purely selfish perspective though, I will be looking for a new doctor. I have several health issues that all combined create a need for someone who is willing to use alternative methods of care. Without that willingness, I'd be doing nothing but taking pills and dealing with side effects. I'm not willing to do that.

And there's nothing saying I have to find a new doctor in this location. I can literally go anywhere.

I've been on the wrong path for a while. There's also an aphorism that fits for that, too. "If it brings fatigue, frustration or fear, you're doing the wrong thing. You're on the wrong path." I've had more than my share of frustration.

It's not anything I feel the need to detail.. but I've been on the wrong path and I'm changing course.

I'm broadening my range of possibilities in terms of housing. Because I need subsidized housing, that takes a bit more time than a typical house-hunt would involve. The fact that I can now look anywhere in Northern California makes the possibility of results much higher. A coastal area would be nice.

I'm also setting a firm boundary in my life when it comes to unreliable people. I'm no longer willing to deal with that. It's been hard to set that boundary because I've been overly invested in always being understanding, always feeling the need to make excuses for other people's bad behavior and living with the fear that if I don't put up with it, I'll be completely alone. Of course that is a false belief.

So that's what I've been doing in December.

I'm wishing for a better 2009 for all of us.



Anonymous said...

may your 2009 be filled with peace

dmmgmfm said...

I hope that your path leads you to happiness and peace, Chani.

S said...

I can't believe how hard you've been working on things lately.

I am so impressed -- I could learn from you, I think.

What a tragedy insofar as your physician. For his family. Yikes.

Take good care, Chani.

SUEB0B said...

You seem to be disappointed by people so often. Maybe the key is to not expect so much? My best friend is a total goofball when it comes to commitments, and I am very good at keeping them, but I have had to learn to relax and let go so I can enjoy her company when I get it...I had to learn that it wasn't about me, but more about her need to try and make everyone happy, so she overcommits - and she feels bad about it but has a hard time stopping herself.

I hope you have a good year.

Anonymous said...

Seems most of us are engaged in aspects of introspection and review of the year. For most of us, I doubt 2008 will be missed. It was horrid in terms of weather to say nothing of the economy, gas prices, and the usual issues involving the Republican party and it's control. I empathize with you Chani as you struggle to find the right path. It seems I too am always assessing and reassessing issues looking for better balance and more productivity. I wish you well my dear!

LittlePea said...

I think letting go of "the unreliables" is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. I totally understand the loss that's involved as well. It's a double edged loss because if you choose to stay involved with a person who constantly treats you that way whether it's intentional or not, you're just exposing yourself to hurt feelings. Repeatedly. And when you realise that you have to just part ways, it still hurts because you really do care about that person. Oh yes-can you tell I've been there. I'm always in that position. I can get sick and tired of giving so much of myself and never getting any reciprocity. When people treat you that way, the message that they send is, you're feelings are not as important as mine. I once lamented about this feeling to a loved one and she said,"Honey, don't feel bad because it means you have much more to give." So tell yourself that Chani, because it's true. And give your gifts to someone who really apreciates it and knows fully the best part of your heart because they give you the best part of their's, not the spare-tire,leftovers..... And BTW it's not a selfish task to look for a new doctor! You do have to take care of yourself. We're looking for a new place to live ourselves because I can't take walking up and down all these flights of stairs with groceries anymore. I hate the "stuff" involved in moving but once I'm in the middle of it all, it gets fun. I do like a new beginning so I'm happy for you. I look forward to hearing about your new home when you find it.

Olivia said...

Welcome back, Chani! It is exciting to hear about the life changes that you are making, some prompted by struggle and tragedy, but all on the path to growth.

Much love, O

Kathryn Knoll said...

good for you for exploring The Work. You have what it takes to make this your own. Bravo!

Carol said...

I've studied Byron Katie's Work some. It fits in pretty well with the non-dual studies I do. I get a lot out of the questions, deconstructing beliefs that I thought were solid.

I question whether you've really been on the "wrong path". It must have served some purpose for you and I hope that you have gotten a lot out of it. It sounds like you have a new course now and I hope that you get much out of it, also.

Much peace & joy to you as you follow your heart's journey.

Mary said...


Let's hope for a good 2009. Sorry about your doctor...

Happy New Year!


Brandi Reynolds said...

There's also an aphorism that fits for that, too. "If it brings fatigue, frustration or fear, you're doing the wrong thing. You're on the wrong path."

the above quote, more than anything, resonates with me. Such a powerful and motivating statement-one that really makes you think.

glad to see you back. :-)

Woman in a Window said...

You're clearing the debris. Kind of exciting to think of where things might lead. A new home. A new environment. New light. A new rythym. Sounds like wonderful new potential. Good luck with it all, Chani.

Jen said...

I'm sorry to hear your doctor died, again for his friends and family and for the good he did you and others.

I'm glad you feel some freedom in choice now.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I found Byron Katie's categorizing situations as "my business," "your business" and "God's business" as set forth in "Loving What Is" especially helpful. Her approach showed me that I was spending a lot of energy hurting myself unnecessarily by replaying old injuries long after the person who originally hurt me had moved on, thereby keeping the pain fresh.

Why would a sane person do that?

I've never heard of Mona Grayson before but it sounds as if your talks with her are quite helpful and valuable. I'm glad you found each other.

Leann said...

I will pray that your new path brings you enlightenment, health, peace, and a sucessful journey.

Blessings for 2009 Chani!!

Angela said...


I have used the Katie 4-question method before and found it to be very helpful. I use a lot of ideas and methods - different ones at different times. Good luck with all the changes coming up. It sounds exciting!

painted maypole said...

it sounds as if a new path is starting to appear... I hope it is filled with much love and happiness

Rebecca said...

Sometimes, opportunities present themselves in unusual ways. Blessings to you in 2009. I look forward to continuing this journey.