Friday, December 12, 2008

An interesting call.....

Yesterday while I was doing laundry, my cell phone chimed off in my pocket. Normally, I don't carry it around but was expecting a few return calls and didn't want to miss them.

The call was from someone I know from the wat, the one I wrote about last summer. It's something I thought was gone from my life. Lots of things happen behind the scenes that we never know about. I'm coming to learn that.

The guy (I'll call him Ta) told me about several things that have been going on there and asked for my help with straightening it out. There was a criminal act committed and because of language barriers and so on, they're not getting the response they need from the police. I agreed to talk with the police for them and continue following up until it resolves.

That's not the real point of this message though.

I am the sort of person who needs to be needed ~ and I need that community as much as they might seemingly need me.

But I've discovered now a second person in my life who seems to consider me to be a personal service object. Both of them like the idea that I should be sitting home, exclusively available to them when they might happen to have a moment in their overcrowded lives to acknowledge my existence. The people at the wat wanted to reach me some time ago and she denied them my phone number. She had a conflict with someone out there and is angry. I get that. I know what happened and I would be angry, too. I supported her choice to remove herself from the community. I just question her right to use me as part of her revenge. It's impossible to even fathom that kind of self-serving meanness.

Ta told me that they'd asked for my number several times and she said "no". Just "no".

And by doing this, she has denied me the right to make my own choices. She had no right to do that!

I may or may not choose to talk with her about it. For now, I will ignore her calls until I am over these negative feelings. If I talk to her right now, I will burn the bridge.

My thought at this point is that I will just carry on and do what I want to do and not discuss it. The thing that makes me so upset about this is that she knows I've been wanting community, that I don't like being alone. Rather than honor my need and be a part of making my life better and allowing me to help her make her life better, she intentionally isolated me for her own purposes.

I am beyond pissed off. I'm far too hurt to be pissed off. I'm disgusted!

What I want to do is concentrate on how to recognize people like that so I don't draw any more people in my life who figure I exist for their convenience.

Any suggestions?



Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that happened to you. It's so awful to be used and/or ill-treated by people.

I don't know if you can always recognize people for what they are off the bat. Maybe better is to recognize what it is in us that draws us to people who are like that.

When you mentioned that you like to be needed, it made me think of something called the Enneagram. Are you familiar with it? It helps you examine your personality and how to counter negative or increase positive aspects of your makeup, what drives you, etc. - it's written from a spiritual perspective so something I think you would appreciate.

I think when we understand what drives us more, it can help us avoid those who can have a negative influence in our lives.

At least I've found that true for myself (though I'm far from cracking the code on that one!).

dmmgmfm said...

I would be absolutely devastated. I can't even imagine doing that to anyone.

You are right, she denied you the right to make a choice, she denied you a chance to serve your community. Just thinking about it makes me mad...

I think you are wise to wait until you have a chance to calm down before you discuss it with her.

Anvilcloud said...

I can't remember exactly what I've said to whom, so I may be repeating myself. About all we can do is take care of our own ... er ... stuff. We aren't responsible for other people's stuff. Be proud of what you are accomplishing with your own life. When you deal or don't deal with that other person, make sure you can still be proud of yourself. (That last sentence sounds more preachy and superior than I want it to, but I've gotta run, so I'll leave as is.)

LittlePea said...

I wish I had advice for you Chani but I'm hoping to cpme back and read everyone else's response as I often find myself in the same position....

Christy said...

I find if something happens to me what I consider a lot, I look at the why's.

Doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, or are to blame, but I find--like you're suggesting, I think--that I'm drawing a certain lesson to myself.

Much to my chagrin.

Mine is usually men/sexual.

I am almost never used in any other way. Weird, huh? Or is it that I don't see it? Don't care as much about it?

I sort of laugh things off, in that area.

But God help the person that hits on my hot button issues!

So I'd say you'll recognize the potential for evil in everyone, if you're looking for it.......and your need to be needed is a wonderful thing, but it is also a desire and bound to cause pain and lessons.....

Anonymous said...

I never give out a friend's phone number. I sort of figure that if my friend wanted everyone to have their number, they'd have given it out themselves.

I think she did the right thing protecting your number- but the proper thing to have done would have been to tell you there were people looking for you.

Ian Lidster said...

I concluded a while ago that some people are just utter shits.
I also tend to fall into the trap of believing that everybody thinks as I do, which is to treat people as honorably as I can and assume that they will do likewise.
But, that's not so. Some people have self-seeking and cruel intentions and there is nothing I can do about it.
Turning the other cheek? Maybe, but that can be difficult.
What she did is inexcusable and you will probably never be able to find out what her motivation is.

Anonymous said...

I worry so much that my friend Wanda will feel that we call on her too much. I guess the difference is gratitude. You can't tell what someone will be like initially -- but you can get them out of your life as soon as they reveal themselves.

SUEB0B said...

I would look for the innocence. I would bet she thought she was doing the right thing by protecting your privacy. I would never give out someone's phone number unless I knew 100% it was ok.

Anonymous said...

Hmmmmm... that is a tough question?!

Leann said...

Trust your instincts. Any discomfort, red flags, ANYTHING, no matter how attention to it. I've learned the hard way.

Angela said...

I agree with others in that she may have thought she was doing the right thing by not giving out your number?? But, if you're sure that's not so, I would definitely let her know how hurt you were by her actions. I'm all for honest confrontation when it comes to circumstances like this. Good luck and I'm sorry you are hurt!

Cecilio Morales said...

I'm going to to go with humor, however lame.

Item 1: I suggest that from now on your group greet each other saying "What's wat?"

Item 2: This may be the time to say "Ta-ta, Ta."

Item 3: I'm your converse. I need someone who needs to be needed. Your personal service subject, so to speak.



Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

I think she should have let you know they were trying to reach you and let you make your own choice.

I'm not very good at recognizing users right off. My mom was very narcissistic and trained me to cater to her emotional needs, so I'm still vulnerable to certain kinds of users. I guess the only thing you can really do is to draw firm boundaries once you start detecting a problem.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

What she did was very mean-spirited and presumed ownership of you and your abilities, which the wat needed. It was up to you, not her, to decide whether to help them.

It is also up to you to confront her or not, but I suggest you take the course that will produce the least amount of stress in you, whatever that is. It's never beneficial to self-destruct.

So, how did Ta find you?

painted maypole said...

if you figure it out, let us know?

actually, and I'm sure you know this, so many people are just wrapped up in their own stuff that although they never set out trying to use people, they just don't see what they're doing

3brainer said...

She did what she did. Perhaps it was mean spirited. Perhaps there is more to the story than you will ever know. What seems most important is your reaction to it. You let somebody's actions get you into such an unpleasant "state." Ultimately the person in need DID call you, and you WILL help. Perhaps in your big picture this woman's behavior will be irrelevant. I don't intend to sound cold; hurt feeling suck. I am truly sorry you have to deal with this. Maybe the best thing is to go forward and not put any more attention on her as she probably doesn't deserve it.
Hope you can do some good when the smoke settles.

Carla said...

Funny, I'm working on the exact same thing...for me it's part of establishing boundaries and calling things as soon as I see them. Yes, I too would be pissed off. It's good to let a little time pass to ensure that you're not burning a bridge. I would bring it up though. Perhaps focus on how her actions made you feel. Let her know that she wasn't just "punishing" them, but she was denying you the right to make a choice. At the very least, if she didn't want to give them your number (which is her right), she should have informed you that they were wanting to be in contact with you. If she had been up front from the start, told you that she didn't give them your number, but that they wanted to contact you, then the power would have been in your hands and the choice would have been yours as to what you would have done. Good luck.

Woman in a Window said...

Chani, what she did was wrong. She should have simply said, "No, I can't give you her number without checking in with her first." And then she should have asked you if you wanted her to give your number. Pretty simple but she messed up.

No relationship is ever going to be perfect. We can strive for it but it's not going to happen. We all make mistakes. I think you should ask her why she did that, explain how you feel and then see what happens. If I were to disclude everyone who's done me wrong over the years I'd be a pretty lonely person.

Kathryn Knoll said...

You don't have to be a victim. The way of synchronicity shows us that there are many ways for needed connections to happen when they are suppose to. The fact that there was a connection at all is the most important part of the story and what your response will be, will determine if you will have a satisfying connection. To give someone so much power in the story always leaves you "off the hook" for your own happiness. Happiness, as you already know and have shown us all countless times, is an inside job. Choosing to be pissed off just keeps you in a state of agitation and anger. Where's the joy in that? You can rise to the occasion and be the magnificent soul you are. That beauty is always there. Let go of the past and just move forward with this next, adventure. You never know where it could take you. If you walk in your own beautiful integrity, the rest of the world will take care of itself.

Anonymous said...

My opinion, for what its worth. I would say nothing to her. I doubt she would understand what you were upset about. Those types seldom do. The way to pick up on people like this, is to watch for gossipers who want to tell you about this or that person. They are looking for you to agree. Especially if they want you to agree that they are right in their conclusion about this or that person. Some people can't stand if you are friends with their enemy. If they look for a lot of reinforcement in their opinions, they tend to want to isolate you from those people. Hope this helps.

Janet said...

I'm sorry, I have no advice. But her behaviour was terrible.

Olivia said...


I don't know how NOT to attract people like that in the first place, but I sure do wish I did. It may be unavoidable, but I don't know.

But...once it's done...I like to do a little reframe with myself. This always helps me deal with things.

For example, on my blog I wrote about the CONTINENTAL gate agent who ridiculed me when I was in pain with a funny face. I responded by crying. The therapist on the plane suggested anger would be more helpful, as what he did was injust and I should write to Continental and tell them so that the agent would get a reprimand and other people would be protected. I thought about it, journaled, and decided the guy was a jerk, and I didn't want to waste any more time on it. I decided that it was sad that he would make fun of a hurting person; he must have very little compassion. I blessed him (in my mind) and waved "bye bye" (again, in my mind). After that I had a great flight.

That's usually how I deal with stuff. But far better would be to avoid such folks in the first bet is that it can't be done.

Peace and love,


hele said...

Maybe she thought she was doing the right thing at the time but does that mean it was right for you? I don't know what the answer is as I struggle with knowing when to step back myself.

All I can offer is a sincere wish that the right answer will find you.

And that it will hurry itself up :)

Sukhaloka said...

Long time(by your standards), Chani. Are you okay?

dmmgmfm said...

Just checking in to see how you are doing...


Defiantmuse said...

I'm not sure I have a useful suggestion seeing as how I have quite a raging temper and would have gone off on the woman. But, I will say that, after you've calmed down, just expressing to her what you have expressed to us here would get the point across. Regardless of her intention, what she did was wrong. But it's possible she didn't see that because she was too blinded by her own anger/pain/etc. It's possible you could shed some light on how much her emotional reactions have affected another in such a negative way.