An ethical question....

I have a question for all of you, something I've been grappling with intermittently over the past few weeks.

Anyone who has been reading here knows I do not have a relationship with my mother and why. For those who don't yet know, I'll simply say that my mother was my primary abuser growing up. No need to go into all the details any longer. I no longer have any need or desire to wade through that stygian marsh.

Mothers Day, whether here or in Thailand, is a designated day to honor our mothers. The rituals are different but setting the cultural practices aside, what do you believe is a son's or daughter's obligation to honor his or her mother?

I went through the cards yesterday at Target, trying to find one that would be even remotely appropriate (something like "thank you for giving me life"), just in case I decide to do what my spiritual practice encourages. There was not a single card that felt "real" to me and I didn't buy anything.

The position of my practice is basically that we can always find something to be thankful for. In general, I agree with that. I can thank my mother for giving birth to me and that's authentic enough. Let's face it, I wouldn't be here if she hadn't carried me for nine months.

Being somewhat of a purist, I insist on authenticity. I can not send that woman a sentimental card that says how wonderful she is or that she was always "there" for me. She isn't and she hasn't. This isn't meant to be a slight to her. In this case, it's all about me. It's not about her. But the fact remains that she's getting old and probably only has a few years left to live. Looking at it from that perspective, if my taking the minor action that her culture values (sending a card), perhaps it will help her pass away in peace. When all is said and done, she knows she screwed up. I forgive her but I do not trust her enough to have a relationship with her.

So.. what do you think? Do you believe we have an obligation to honor parents who were abusive? Do you think we should stretch ourselves far enough to find something to thank them for ~ or is it better to just let it go?

(I'll tell you my conclusions before I post next time. :)

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