"Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among those who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour - unceasingly. This is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family." -Henri Nouwen
Sometimes I forget that I can be safe. That is especially true when I am afraid of being left behind, afraid of being unloved, afraid of being abandoned. It's those times when I take seriously the idea of compassion ~ even for me. My claws can dig deep, especially when I am afraid.
And in that, I have often hurt other people. I haven't been willing to let go when the time is right. I haven't been able to truly wish them well.
Then I have to remind myself about the expansiveness of who we all are ~ an expansiveness that makes us capable of compassion when we thought it was impossible.
I'm learning that lesson right now as I got some news yesterday from my doctor that I would have preferred to not hear. Due to the actions of others, I have an illness that will never leave. I can't get rid of it. Can't will it away. Can't pretend it doesn't exist. It does and it affects my ability to connect to others in a meaningful way, in a way that comes naturally to most. "It's permanent but it's treatable," he said.
I spent the evening in a slow burn, wanting to exact revenge on those who perpetrated this damage.
Then in the dead quiet of night, I came to understand that I can not expect to be forgiven if I do not forgive, if I do not honor the woundedness that caused the abuse that changed the hardwiring in my brain.
When I think of the people who did this, when I hear other stories of those who have survived childhood abuse, I choose to see in meditation - the perpetrators and me - held by the heart that is larger than all of us ~ and at the same time, a part of us.
I can't help but see on some level that they were both children once, too. They both had hopes and fears. That way it becomes possible to somehow connect us, to make me understand a bit more.
While there are certainly degrees of hurt, I'm not sure there are differences in kind. What hope do I have of being held in that same large heart if I close mine to those who hurt me ~ but continue in my own human way to hurt others by hanging on so tight that it's difficult to let people go when they need to go?
If only it were so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart? - Alexander Solzhenitsyn
