Cozy...

I may be a bit scarce around here over the next few weeks.

There's nothing wrong and I don't have anything negative in my life at all. Sometimes I just find it worthwhile to escape the saturation of the holiday season. It is my time to read books, watch movies, keep up on my private email (which, of course, I welcome), get my sewing done (I have a pile), putter around and occupy myself in renewing and refreshing ways while others are doing the Christmas thing.

I may not be as present in commenting for a while. One thing I want to be clear about though is that it is only temporary. I am not bailing. All of you are still valued in my little corner of the universe. Unfortunately, I have exhausted my repertoire of holiday-centered thoughts or comments. The well has run dry.

I will be back to commenting, too, as soon as it's over. I might still pipe in on non-holiday-related messages.

I'll still be reading all the blogs in my reader though. I will smile when I read of your happiness and cringe when something doesn't go as you'd planned. I wish you all the best of the season and rejoice in your celebration.

See you all soon.... and, please, be at peace. Celebrate well and let it fill your soul like warm flowing honey!

~*

Sacred Life Sunday: Remembering Who We Are...

At this time of year, I remember what it was like when life was different, before Thai culture, before my own transformation into who I have chosen to be today. I think about those who are not so fortunate to discover what I discovered, to choose what I chose and to have my heart literally swell with gratitude for what it's brought me and what it has offered the world. My life is rich because of it.. and that wasn't always so.

There was a time when I sat in a little apartment, wondering why I was such a loser that I couldn't be included in the festivities like others. I remember what it's like to watch one movie after another in hopes that I would simply forget what was going on "out there". In an even earlier incarnation, I remember what it was like to get drunk and stay drunk until it was over. I didn't know or understand that I could really make choices so I kept wearing those ill-fitting shoes until my feet were swollen and blistered.

I put myself through all that torment for absolutely no reason because when all is said and done, the unrealistic cultural expectations foisted on people in every available and technologically possible venue are just ... crap.

They're crap.

It serves no one when we judge ourselves by trumped-up standards and crush our own spirits.

We humans are choice-making beings. We get to choose the lifestyle we'll live. We get to choose to recognize crap when we see it or hear it and cull it out.

For those who are marginalized for one reason or another, this is a good time to remember that families, friends and lives come in an assortment of configurations and all of them are just as valid as the next. Dominant culture sets up an ideal because it benefits a certain demographic to have it that way. If it doesn't serve you, get rid of it. "If it's miffy, let it go."

There are so many possibilities for all of us. This world comes with a huge assortment of ways of life for us to choose. There are hundreds of holidays, hundreds of religions, hundreds of political philosophies, hundreds of choices.

I play with holidays, even in my chosen way of life. I adapt them to fit what I want them to fit and act on them accordingly. One day, I'll write more about that. (And probably piss off some Thai uber-traditionalist who will disapprove but that's a risk I'll take.)

Since coming to the realization that I can choose, my life has improved beyond all of my own desires. I can wish others "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" with a high degree of sincerity because I choose to honor all ways of life. I can even pluck out a thing or two that I like about it. I really enjoy the music of Christmas. "O Holy Night" makes me cry. ( Click here to hear the one that reduces a usually stoic Chani to a pile of wet cheeked, running nose, blubbering. :)

My main point is that recognizing that I have choice widens and expands my world. There's no longer a need to try to cram myself into a box someone or something else constructed and then feel diminished because we can't help it when critical parts of our being fall out the sides.

I wish for everyone that choices will become clear, that the knowledge necessary to make a choice that fits will appear effortlessly and that your life will be enriched by your choice.

For those who have consciously chosen a way of life that is not working out and is leaving you feeling diminished, I wish you peace.

~*

Why there is no holiday content here....

**Note** I split this off from last night's entry. The previous entry was too long. If you have the time, please take a look at the shortened version though. Thanks. :) ~C.

~*

Some may have noticed that there is no holiday content here. I'm going to write about why that is, why I made the decision to not "go along with the program" and write stuff about it because others might want to read it.

I can not be authentic and write about something I truly don't like ~ and pretend I do. Around this time every year, I do everything possible to escape from the saturation, from the absolute onslaught of holiday sentimentality. Most of the time, I can achieve a level of indifference that keeps me sane.

Christmas has never been a good season for me. It has never been the Norman Rockwell, all hail, well met, season of good will. Instead, it was usually a painful reminder of my alienation. I am not charismatic. I am not the sort of person who is on other people's Christmas card list. I've never been the type who was included in gatherings. As I've said before, it is not a result of being disliked or anything like that. It is simply the way my life has developed. If it had suddenly changed, I wouldn't have known to deal with it anyway. I'm not good at that stuff. My job is to reach acceptance and to handle it with grace and grit.

Believe it or not, I've come to that point of acceptance. My gut no longer crunches up in pain because I might alone one more year, although it certainly used to be that way ~ back in the day when I didn't have the knowledge or experience to realize that my misfit-ism wasn't my "fault". I just landed in the wrong place. This is karma, I believe. It is a lesson to be learned. I am not bitter, nor even particularly upset about it. Certainly not any more. Nor am I fishing. The last thing that interests me is sympathy. I'm okay. However, I draw the line at having it crammed down my throat or having anyone (including me) level expectations that I can not or will not meet.

Still, this is not a particularly good time for me, either. And I won't pretend it is. There's a lot of unhealed pain from the past. It's just no longer paralyzing ~ and I don't choose to be reminded of it. I would offer my queendom for a one-way ticket to Khon Kaen, Thailand but it's not time yet. So if I seem a bit absent ~ or you notice that I am not leaving comments on holiday-related posts ~ please forgive me for being a bit self-protective right now. Everything will be back to normal in ten days or so.

Enough said.

Peace all ~ :)


~Chani