Going to people where they are....

Okay. It's time to get back to normal around here and get back to our roundtables.

During the weekend, I had quite a discussion with someone, trying to get a point across that she was not willing to hear.

We have to go to people where they are, not where we want them to be.

Use of language is a critical issue. The purpose of talking is not to say something. It is to be understood.

The person involved in the discussion was from a Yahoo group we participate on. The focus of the group is Buddhism.

You'd think there would be some compassion floating around there, right?

Well, there is ~ typically.

But since it would seem Mercury has been retrograde or there is some other weird configuration of the planets over the past two weeks or so, the group erupted into flames.

And it was unfortunately caused by another Thaiphile. (I am reluctant to include myself in that category. I am culturally Thai. Period.. but for these purposes, I'll run with it.)

She began a full-frontal attack on western culture, including rather silly misspellings of American terms to appear disdainful. Kulture. Amerikkka. You know.

The drill. Some people never grew out of the 60s.

Finally, late night on Saturday, I asked her to stop. I said, "You are not serving Thai culture, which you claim to value, well and you are not serving yourself. You are alienating people. Do you want to be heard or not?"

She wrote back, telling me that she had a right to say whatever she pleased and that if that's how she feels, it's good enough. (This in and of itself shows her limited understanding of Thai culture in which one is not permitted to say whatever she chooses, simply because she feels it.)

My response was that she may be right in some of the issues she raised but probably won't be heard. Even I felt assaulted by her wording. And, yes, she has the right to say anything she chooses. She also has an obligation to accept the consequences with grace and dignity. That is what Thai culture demands. My opinion is that if you claim it, live it.

The consequences in this case are that she was put on moderation by the group owner.

And truthfully, even I was put off and hurt by her use of language, her demeanor and her presentation ~ and I'm more tolerant than the average person. I can usually see beyond use of language to the pain or anger someone is expressing and address it from that level. But hers was vitriolic and left me feeling like I had ugly, icky green-pea slime all over me. I wanted to take a shower!

By Sunday night, every member of the group had a backchannel message from her, stating her case again, complaining about her moderated status and appealing for alliances.

None of us bought into it.

This is an extreme example. It's obvious this woman has more problems than not liking western culture.

Most people are willing to hear our thoughts and ideas, as long as it is presented in respectful terms. Naturally, there are some ideas that are so abhorrent than no one wants to hear them, no matter how beautifully they are presented. In this case, her ideas were not abhorrent.

Granted, we all fail to be mindful of our speech sometimes. Tempers flare. Things get said. I am the biggest sinner I know in that area. Prior to my conversion, I always had a sharp tongue and I've had to make a conscious effort to overcome and control it. But I didn't see any justification for this weekend's discussion to be sharp or contentious at all.

I know it may seem like stating the obvious here. We all know that mean or mindless speech is destructive. (I can hear the whispers... "yeah.. so shyaddup, Chana!')

What I wonder is this though: What ways do you have to let someone know their speech is simply assaultive and hurtful? How do you go to them where they are so that they'll learn, internalize and, as a result, have a better discussion? Or is it even my responsibility to try?

I didn't succeed with my correspondent this weekend. She's sticking to her position.

~*