And what if I do, and what if I don't....

Yesterday, I took a very long walk. In fact, I took a 7-mile walk. Why, one might ask?

Simple. I like the freedom of it, the insularity of it ~ the endlessness of it.

And on the practical end, I had to go get my post-cataract surgery prescription for new glasses.

As always when I walk, I think about things. My thoughts float around aimlessly, things coming in and going out in a totally fluid manner. While walking yesterday, I watched all the people in their little cars, headed somewhere, headed nowhere, trying to find something or get somewhere that likely doesn't even exist. Hardly anyone was walking. It would be surprising if I passed even three people on foot. Most of them looked rather bored, just sitting there at a red light, waiting for it to turn green so they can "go" again.

There's a Dorothy Parker quote I've always liked:

If I should labor through daylight and dark,
Consecrate, valorous, serious, true,
Then on the world I may blazon my mark;
And what if I don't, and what if I do?

And what of this lack of ambition? I am a person who is totally without ambition in the commonly defined view of that. Peeing on stumps, making a mark or building an empire doesn't ring my bell a bit. Material wealth won't motivate me to get out of the house.

It is times like that when it becomes a matter of curiosity how I could have been raised in a culture that considers ambition to be the highest value and the socialization never "took". It's times like that when I realize how truly alien I am. For so long, I felt defective and "less than" others because those things just wouldn't take root and matter.

On the other hand, I would walk ten miles to learn something new or to be involved in some activity I find important or rewarding. My determination borders on obsessive. Offer me something that excites me and I'll nearly die to get there. It's not total irresponsibility. It's just that I choose my responsibilities very consciously.

In Thai culture, there is a concept known as "sanuk". It means "fun" but not in the giddy sense of that. "Enjoyment" would probably be a better translation. It's about being alive, the experience of being alive. That isn't to say that Thai people don't have jobs (they do), that they don't build families (they do) or that they don't engage the world of commerce (they do). Built in though is the belief that life should be enjoyed. That comes first.

It reminds me of a Joseph Campbell quote I memorized some years ago:

"I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive."

As time goes along, peace comes with these differences and instead of wondering why I am "defective", I've come to see it as a blessing.


Peace,

~Chani