Honor....

Note: I will probably not be commenting on other blogs today... nor writing another entry on this one. My recovery from this type of upset isn't easy. Just because I chose it and brought it on myself doesn't mean there's no price to be paid for it. I really need some refuge time. I will miss all of you though, and appreciate and value every single one of you! Namaste, Ch.

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First of all, I want to apologize to anyone who might have found some of my actions disturbing yesterday.

Why did I fight so hard?

I know I exposed a side of me that few have ever seen, particularly since my "conversion" to Thai culture so many years ago now.

On the surface, it might have appeared that I was fighting for my ego.

I was not.

I was fighting as a matter of honor. Honoring of an idea that I believe has merit. It's certainly not an original idea. It's not "my" idea. It's an idea that has been written about by historians and philosophers with five times the brain power of mine. Hegel and Marx, just to name a few.

Sometimes for a variety of reasons, ideas get thrown off the table, simply because they are difficult to deal with ~ or they're too challenging ~ or they're uncomfortable. When we're dealing with a topic as serious as racism, we don't always get to sit back and be comfortable.

I've learned that running away from conflict is sometimes just as unhealthy as running to it. There have been people around who thrive on it, find excitement in it and relish every moment of conflict they can find. I am not one of those people.

If this had just been a question of ego, I would have dropped it. Instead, I continued to fight. And I possibly hurt some feelings along the way. For that, I am truly sorry but I'm not sorry for fighting for my position. I'm not sorry for defending those I believe had a right to be defended. I choose my battles fairly carefully and this one was worth it. To me.

That is a part of me, too. I am a warrior for the things I care about, the things that matter. My archetype is Minerva. While I value kindness and compassion, I also value honor and courage. I don't always manifest it perfectly and I don't always do it with finesse but please don't mistake my passion for anything other than what it is: a sincere caring for others and a sincere distaste for certain things being the way they are in the world.

Sometimes we just have to stand up. Even when we risk judgment and the anger of others.

For anyone who was upset with me, disturbed by me or hurt by me, I ask your forgiveness. I also ask for your understanding.


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