God In The Matrix....

Last night, I was able to spend the entire evening with a friend I haven't seen in a while. We went to a Thai restaurant and gorged ourselves on all the different foods. Then we went to Starbucks for coffee afterward. We talked and talked until we were both hoarse and covered a lot of territory. By the time we wore down, it was very late.

The reason why meeting with this particular friend is so significant is because we share a culture. We revert to verbal shorthand easily and come from the same basic understanding and meanings when we discuss things. Since it is so easy, we are able to cover a whole range of topics.

One of the distinctions we discussed is that what we share is spiritual culture, not secular. Neither of us have that much attraction to the secular aspects such as entertainment (which we both agreed sucks) or even some of the social customs.

This has been a long time coming for me. Not for her. She was raised in the culture. I adopted it several years ago. My development has been in fits and starts. When I first made the choice, I was like every other person on the planet who has had a major epiphany. It was similar to a "born again" experience. I was very legalistic about it and all the rules had to be followed. I wanted to share my find with everyone. I couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge that sometimes I was still unhappy, unsure, uncomfortable. That would be like admitting that my choice was a failure because it didn't feed me so completely that I would never experience dissatisfaction or disappointment - ever.

I shed the accoutrements of my old culture. I gave away books and other media that I considered "too western". I got rid of my old wardrobe in favor of traditional Thai clothing (which I still wear but find a certain pleasure in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt on occasion, too - like today!). I was going to be SuperDooperThaiGirl, even if it killed or bankrupted me. It didn't do the former but very nearly did the latter. My cookware, furniture and household items were ordered and shipped from Thailand.

In short, I was a fanatic.

Over the years, I've begun to mellow and it's become a normal part of life. It's a gentler, softer, less vociferous thing now. We, the culture and I, have grown into a peaceful co-existence. I honor the things that matter to me and dismiss the things that don't. The holidays that are meaningful for me, I practice. The ones that are silly or meaningless get skipped. It still feels "real" and I don't regret my choice, developmental snags aside. In fact, the longer I am "in" it, the more I love it and the more it speaks to my soul.

One of the greatest challenges I've had since returning from Thailand is spiritual. I often feel like God couldn't possibly live here, find fertile ground here. I feel alienated from God and often alienated from my true nature.

M. and I talked about that at length last night, sharing both of our perspectives in one of the most open conversations I've had in the past several months. I feel a bit more "stuck" than she does because she's been at this longer, having grown up with the culture and coming here in the late 80s. I'm new to all of it, by comparison. I'm like a six- or seven-year old in terms of Thai culture and the socialization process. I was so alienated by western culture that it never 'took'. In other words, I was an empty vessel up until the point where I adopted Thai. Make sense? Okay.

She's a very spiritual person. She has experienced many spiritual passages that I am not ready for yet.. or haven't confronted at this point.

During the course of our conversation, I was reminded of the old tale of the guy who was able to see God in the most marginalized. In western terms, that would mean the homeless, a falling down drunk, a prisoner, anyone traditionally shunned or "othered". I've always seen God there. As Simon and Garfunkel sang, "the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls." Who knows divinity better than those who have to trust it daily?

It occurred to me that part of spiritual growth is the ability to see God in The Matrix. Can I see divinity in the belly of the beast? Like Jonah, I was thrown off the boat and didn't seek out the whale. Is Buddha in those icons of western culture that have previously led to isolation and retreat from the exposure? Can I look into the eyes of Donald Trump and see sacredness there? Where is Christ in the "get born, achieve, buy and die" culture?

I don't know. I don't think I can see it yet - but know that I won't be truly awake until I do. Until that time, the pain of separation will remain. The separation will end when I can see God where I don't want to see it.

But at least the path is clearer.

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