On being a human being, not a human doing....

This is a copy of an email I sent to a friend last night. He suggested I post it here. Apparently, it spoke to him and he believes it might speak to others as well. I hope it does. :)

~*~*

"I am not doing enough." This old belief plagued me all my entire life too and still does on occasion. It was terribly hard for me to grasp and internalize the concept that it was ok to be who and how I really am, even though how I naturally am is not what I was taught to be.

Well, I am finally understanding and embracing that I simply am not like a great majority of other people, values-wise or by nature. I was born a dreamer. I am an artist, a creative soul with a lot of non-mainstream values. I love solitude. I don't need a lot of people close up, only a few good friends. I feel trapped by the pressures to conform to any societal "norm" set for me. I don't know how I stayed in the work force for thirty years. (Yes, I do, too. I allowed myself to become so ground down, so dead inside, that I became suicidally depressed and wanted to take my life.)

And I spent far too much energy being angry at myself because I couldn't march to the common drum beats. More than being just angry, I condemned myself for not being able to be content with being like others. Had lots of help, too, from so called "professionals" whose sole purpose was to patch me up for the gerbil wheel and send me on my way as a properly socialized person with goals like everyone else's.

I'll dare to suggest it is worth taking a long look at this. How sick is it to be pissed off at ourselves ... for simply being the kind of person we naturally are?

This is knowledge to be accepted and embraced. Never mind what the rest of the western hemisphere thinks about it! This is not a place set up to nurture truly creative people. In fact, it almost seems designed to starve out those who do not conform.

There are many angry people and many are frustrated creatives like you and me. We just have to find each other and hang on to each other. We have to nurture each other when others won't. We have to encourage each other when others won't. We have to embrace each other when others won't.

It took me a long time to discover that the freedom of sheer creativity, unleashed and not dulled by unfulfilling conformity is sweeter that any high I ever got from drugs or booze. It is unadulerated and pure. It comes from that clear well deep down inside an artist's soul. It is the stream that feeds all of who we are. AS we are. As we were meant to be and meant to live these different lives of ours.

It means risk. It means we are unlikely to ever be a) rich, b) famous, or c) well respected, sought-after members of this market-centric society. We may spend more time in the "desert" than most. It means living consciously instead of on auto-pilot.

But it also means we are more likely to discover what Maslow really meant by that peak experience of self actualization. That painting, or piece of writing or sculpture created in that "other world" where everything is always perfect, where everything makes sense. Now that is freedom!

The more we allow ourselves to be who we are, the better life will get regardless of external circumstances, events or outcomes.


Peace to all ~


~Chani

Ted Haggard and Compassion

As usual, I have a bit of a twist on my interpretation of events.

Most people already know the story of Ted Haggard so I won't reiterate the whole thing here. Very briefly, he is the evangelical preacher from Colorado Springs who apparently tried to buy drugs, had a massage from and spent time with a gay male prostitute. If any of this is incorrect, let me know. I'm just summarizing.

I lived in Colorado Springs for a few years. I'm familiar with Haggard's operational territory. Colorado Springs is a beautiful location. It is breath-taking as a matter of fact. While there is a fairly active gay community there, they are verbally and emotionally assaulted on many levels and the majority of that hate comes from splinter evangelical groups. In some cases, the discrimination is subtle. I don't recall overt hatred ever coming from Focus on the Family.

When I lived north in Fort Collins, we were very close to LaPorte which hosts the LaPorte Church of Christ, an Identity Christian congregation then led by Pete Peters. That was one of the scariest organizations I ever encountered. There was some suspicion that they were friendly to and may have hosted members of The Order, the white supremacist group that murdered radio talk show host Alan Berg. My ex-husband and I were harrassed by these types in a public location because we supported a libertarian solution to a controversial donut shop that opened on the outside of town. As a result of that position, I ended up on local TV news and as a guest on a radio talk show. My ex and I were guests on the Geraldo show when he came to town to cover the controversy.

My entire and consistent talking point was that adults should be free to make their own choices about whether or not they choose to patronize a topless donut shop that appealed mainly to truck drivers. Let's face it. It wasn't designed for the intelligensia. (Google "Debbie Duz Donuts" and "Fort Collins". Some history might still be out there. ) That was my only point. I took no public position for or against the donut shop itself. I simply stated that adults should be free to decide for themselves.

The opposition was fierce! Nearly every social conservative within a 50-mile radius was present.

Personally, I thought the donut shop concept was rather silly. I would never go to such a place myself but, hey, that's just me. I don't presume to decide for other people. "As it harm none, do as ye will."

We were threatened by splinter evangelical groups who were more than willing to beat us, harm us or possibly even kill us if we didn't shut up.

These same groups who would have near apopolexy over a donut shop are also virulently anti-gay. They don't just disapprove. They hate gay people. Some of them made Fred Phelps sound like a sweetheart.

This is the environment in which Ted Haggard lived and worked. While, yes, he should have been able to come out ~ perhaps he shouldn't have been trying to hide, let's put this in some perspective.

Given the environment, given that his entire life had been devoted to his Christianity, given that his entire social support system involved that group, how could he have done that? Keep in mind: he also had a wife and children to consider.

In an ideal world, he would have severed all those ties, come out and moved away from Colorado if necessary. Sometimes that's easier said than done.

My guess is that he lived in pure torment for a very long time.

He deserves our compassion, not our vilification. I can only imagine the internal conflict he must experience. Whether he is bisexual or gay, it doesn't matter.

The truth is that it is our job as a society to create an atmosphere that is open enough for people to feel safe in being who they are.

Once again, we see the cur dog mentality take over in the media and people are emotionally tearing this guy to shreds. It's the emotional equivalent of eat it, f**k it or kill it. They want to annihilate this guy. He didn't do it "right". He made mistakes. He hid. He lied. What a hypocrite he must be!

He was in pain, the kind of pain I hope no one ever has to experience ~ but he didn't do it "right".

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.


Peace to all of us,


Thailand Gal
~*~*~*