Sacred Life Sunday: If It's Miffy, Let It Go

"I don't believe in pampering plants. If they are miffy, let them go."

~ Elizabeth Lawrence, The Southern Garden ~

There comes a point where it is time to let things go, when the season has come to turn it over. Not unlike a garden.

This past week I made a difficult decision. I've left the wat.

There are a couple of different reasons for it, none of them particularly important to anyone else. It largely seemed to be about timing. When I say I'll do something, I do it and when others don't work in a cooperative manner, don't do their parts, flake off, don't show up, don't call, don't follow through ~ I'm done. The important thing is that I did it with integrity, without judgment and with an explanation. I let them know that our styles are a mismatch, that momentum matters and that it has become increasingly difficult and frustrating to work with them. I own that. It's not about them. It's about me. It often felt like I was having to try too hard to make it work. It got to a point where I felt like I was having to chase, having to put up with things I wouldn't ordinarily put up with ~ all because I really wanted it to work. I wanted my community. When I jump into something, I do it with everything I've got and a wide open heart.

That's always a clue that something is wrong. When it begins to feel we're trying too hard, we are.

I have an inherent belief that things will flow in a natural way when it's meant to happen. We all have certain needs, especially the need for community, but that needs to be balanced against the energy and emotional investment we put into it. Again, that ugly word "reciprocity" comes into it.

That's a concept I struggle with. I know that giving without expectation or attachment is necessary for true happiness and contentment but I'm not there yet. Not completely. I'm not an arahant.. but just a very flawed human being who has a long way to go before enlightenment. Reciprocity feels like bartering, keeping score - all those things I don't like. Yet at some point, it becomes apparent that, to use another worn-out and not very pleasant economic analogy, Accounts Payable exceeds Accounts Received.

In this case, it was a pattern of behavior rather than an event. It became clear that it wasn't going to change because most of the people there are content with the way things are. That needs to be okay. I won't demonize them because they didn't behave or want the same things I wanted. Most of the people I met out there were very nice, kind and wonderful people. Those are the people who will still be a part of my life, however marginally.

They have had their patterns of a behavior as a community a long time before I came around. They've made peace with it. It works for them. It doesn't work for me.

This is hard, this search for the right spot ~ the place to belong and feel "a part of". Of course I have my life in Thailand but for now, I am here. My social needs don't go into suspension because I'm not in Thailand. When I do find my community here, it will probably happen quite by accident - and the pieces will fit the right way. Until then, maybe it's important to stick to the very worldly concept of reciprocity, looking for the balance, looking for the natural fit.

~*