Marriage

I've been thinking about marriage this morning.

When I tied the knot in the late 80s, I think it was more from a sense of not wanting to be left behind than any kind of idealistic commitment. My ex did it for the same reason. Neither of us are what would be considered romantic people. We were both getting older and didn't want to feel isolated from what seemed at that time to be a passage of adulthood.

In the early 70s, college years and a bit after, I lived with someone in a long term relationship. Eventually we both grew apart and separated. Still, it was a good and satisfying relationship while it lasted. Sometimes I wonder what became of him.

I'm all for configuring relationships into any shape and form that works for the individuals involved. Toward the end of our marriage, the point at which we knew it wasn't going to last, our relationship was open. He was welcome to see other people and I was as well. We had separate bedrooms. Still, each evening we would find ourselves in the living room debating various and sundry ideas, whatever we'd been thinking about that day.

He and I were both intrigued by the idea of line marriage, a concept developed by Robert Heinlein in his book The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress. It made sense to both of us and neither of us could come up with a logical reason to reject it.

He brought a woman to our home, someone we both liked, and we spent the weekend together - all of us - making breakfast in the morning, bumping into each other in the small kitchen, talking, going to a movie, driving through the Rocky Mountains together, coming home, ordering pizza and falling asleep on the living room floor, all of us exhausted from the headiness of the ideas we discussed and the general camaraderie.

It felt good. And right. There was no sexual content to any of this. It felt more like three good friends sharing our lives. I enjoyed it.. very much.

It's not that I question monogamy. For some people, it works very well. I basically hold the position that it depends on the person and the circumstances. Fundamentally, I believe that grown adults can decide for themselves how they want to design their relationships.

Still, I hear so many horror stories of marriage crammed into a box of exclusivity. Sooner or later, egos get involved, power struggles arise and the fur begins to fly. Friendships are destroyed and turn into something else. It's as though something in the dynamic changes so radically that it becomes rather frightening.

Just for me, I don't know if I'd ever want to try marriage again. I might be willing to live with someone - if it's the right person.

What do you think? Do you think monogamy and conventional marriage is the natural way of human beings - or do you think it is a social custom that has little relevance in this day and time?

~*