And The Beat Goes On....

First of all, I want to apologize for my lack of attentiveness. It's okay if you roll your eyes. I've done the same thing when people say that. The truth is that my energy is at about 30% and very little of that has been expended on things I care about - such as reading blogs, reading books or even leisurely watching TV. While all the things I've been doing are necessary, they're also challenging most of my personal limitations, physically and mentally.

Not to say I won't be okay because I will. In comparison to my housemate's troubles, I have little room to complain - if any at all.

She is still in the nursing facility. The Cliff Notes are that she has been declared incompetent and is no longer able to make her own decisions. Her family has been brought in and those dynamics are coming into play. Her sister from Southern California has decided I am the spawn of the devil since I have asked to be paid for my services and has removed me from all ability to help in any substantial ways. I am not allowed to have information about her case from the nursing staff. If she could ban me from the premises, she probably would. I've gone from Golden Girl to goat in two days flat. Since she has Power of Attorney, I can't even make a suggestion. The staff can't even take information from me, let alone give it. The fact that I have had my boots on the ground for the past four years holds no significance. The Sister From Hell and I no longer speak and have no reason to do so in the future.

Her son is here, also from SoCal, and she has cut him off as well. The reasons for this are basically a power struggle. He also can't make any decisions. Luckily, after sweet-talking her, he can get information which he gives me and we discuss possibilities among ourselves. The discussions he has with his siblings are none of my business and I don't really care - but someone in the family needs to see all of these changes in context. If I can give that to him, that's good enough.

The sister's opinion is that I have no right to be paid because I am a "friend". I guess a friend, in her mind, should sacrifice his or her entire existence to care for her sister with no expectation of reciprocity. Of course this makes me angry and I have questioned my ethics on this every way there is. I have talked with trusted friends and even my spiritual advisor to think this through. I have determined that my asking for financial compensation is ethically clear.

I don't see any other "friends" of hers stepping up to the plate. I am there with her at the minimum, three hours a day. I go with her to physical therapy. I have lunch with her. Since she has little sense of time, she gets lonely very quickly and needs the visitors she has. Her two sons and her daughter visit her daily as well. They all have full lives and this is taxing them as well. We're doing the best we can. My housemate trusts me and knows I will always tell her the truth. That's not going to change. The rest of them have their own unique relationship with her and deal with things the way they think is best.

So that's my m-bitch for the day.

As for her, we got the report from the neurologist and he diagnosed early stage Alzheimers. Needless to say, she is not going to be able to come home without full-time caretaking which the family will have to work out and likely pay for. The insurance morass in this saga is something I won't even go into at this point but I'll say there's never been a stronger argument in my mind for national health care. This isn't a time to have to be worried about money. It sucks for her family, none of whom are independently wealthy.

When her son and I told her the results of the test, of course she began to cry. It's a hard pill to swallow and she's not someone who reads a lot or even talks about these things. She's scared to death, rightfully so. We've had a lot of talks about doors closing and her choice to open new ones. We've had talks about accepting limitations and creating a life within them. As a disabled person, I've had to do that. Everyone does. Eventually. As the saying goes, none of us get out of this life alive.

Seriously though, putting myself in her position, I can only imagine the hell she is experiencing in her quiet moments. I wish her grace, peace and acceptance - the kind that only something divine can offer her. We human beings are so limited in our wisdom and our ability to make horrific things right - or to even make them kind of okay. Sometimes life just sucks.

Thanks to all of you for hanging in with me, even though I am so notably unresponsive right now.


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Sacred Life Sunday on Monday: Tyranny of the Majority

Yesterday's Weight Watchers meeting was probably the most uncomfortable I've ever attended.

Being the day after a holiday, the leader continually yapped on and on about how "everyone" would probably experience some weight gain because of "all the barbecues and parties" from the day before. She just assumed that "everyone" would have the same exact experience.

I looked around and saw a bunch of overweight women, most of whom probably did not go to barbecues or parties and had still gained weight.

Probably because they were feeling left out of the parties and back yard frolic, as many overweight people are, but certainly didn't want to admit they gained weight because they spent the weekend in front of the TV with a pint of Haagen Daas. So they sat there in hard plastic chairs with set jaws and closed mouths.

Still, the leader went on and on and on and on. It's the first time I thought about just getting up and leaving.

This got me to thinking about how little room there is for individuality in any of these programs. It's the nature of "joining". We automatically become subject to the tyranny of the perceived majority. Aaaah, the ubiquitous "everyone". I think "everyone" is a neighbor of "they". You know, "they say"..... That "they".

The truth is that "everyone" was not at some kind of event. I was out and around quite a bit that day and saw very little evidence of family gatherings and didn't smell very many barbecues at all. There might have been a whiff of one while walking around the neighborhood.

One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the freedom to experience our own reality, whatever it might be. I wish the Weight Watchers leader had been more sensitive to individual autonomy and individual experience.

If there's anything I've discovered through a lifetime of having an addictive personality and experiencing two types of recovery, both alcohol and food, it is that addicts are generally very individualistic. We think for ourselves and don't fall into many predictable demographic pidgeon holes. It's both our salvation and downfall.

I've also found that we develop our own routes to recovery through a kind of eclectic mix of programs and ideas, personal experience and observation. We "take the best and leave the rest" in the most classic sense of that.

One of the most important things we can do is let go of someone else's expectations about how our lives should be.


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