Childfree by Choice?

Note: 6/22/07 - Same trouble with Technorati. I can not update. Please drop by the site to see new content. Technorati technical support is not responsive.

I updated content at 8.30 am.


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One of the comments on yesterday's post got me thinking about something.

Is not having children selfish?

It might be, if it is presupposed that those who choose to not have children are doing so only because they don't want to be bothered or distracted from full-fledged hedonism. In the general view, that is the only logical reason to not have children. The choice is made by people who are more concerned with their own comfort, their "stuff", want their own money and don't want to sacrifice anything.

That is just as valid a reason as any other to not have them.

And the question always remains for any culture; do women have an obligation to have children?
I chose to not have children for a variety of reasons. I chose for both personal and larger reasons. It was definitely a choice and not happenstance.

There comes a point in all of our lives when we have to look at ourselves very honestly, admitting both shortcomings and strengths, all the while understanding that those things are interchangeable depending on the circumstances. We make choices and decisions based on that knowledge.

My focus has always been more global than individual. I rarely see the trees for the forest. It would be literally impossible for me to raise a child in this culture, knowing that the ultimate objective is to train her to be a good little producer and consumer for corporate America. I could not in good conscience teach a child to be a me-first individualist whose goal would be to fit into the marketplace and conquer it. Regardless of ideals, when it comes to kids we have to deal with reality. Teaching them to be eccentric is not in their best interest because it guarantees they will have a harder life.

My understanding from child psychology classes was that children need to be taught be independent islands who need no one and the highest objective in life is to be able to walk out into the marketplace on their own without a supportive community to surround them. Lifelong dependence on family is viewed as pathology. Even community is commodified as we teach children to compete for friendships and community. I would have to teach them more self-sufficiency than is necessary. It's not how I believe and is not part of my moral system. Since I would be responsible for that child's moral upbringing, she or he would be at a disadvantage for this culture and this era.

When I was at child-bearing age, I did not have a chosen culture to pass along or to guide me as I do now. The possibility of relocating somewhere else to raise my children was never an option. At least I didn't see it at the time.

The final reason for my decision is that I've never been able to trust another person so thoroughly that I could have children with him and know he'd stick around to raise them with me. I was raised with a womanizer. I did not want the life of a single mother. It's too hard. Period.

So... are those selfish reasons?

Ultimately. Yes. Of course they're selfish.

If I was completely self-sacrificing, I would have had them anyway and raised them the way Piaget and the child-rearing authorities say they are to be raised. I would have trained good little independent consumers and called it good. I would have been praised by my family, friends and culture. I would have lived up to my destiny as a female.

I could have chosen to have children to make other people happy, regardless of the consequences to my own life. I could have had the appointed 2.5 of my generation and raised them. When all is said and done, I do step up to the plate when it counts. The children would have been raised.

And which decision would have been more selfish in the long run?

(I should make it clear that I am not challenging anyone's choice to have or not have children. I am only relating my own experience. It does seem that the best reason to have children always remains the same ~ no matter what ~ and that's because you want them.)


Opinions?


Peace,

~Chani

We're all selfish somehow....

Note: 21 June 07 - 5.13 PM - Folks, I do have a new post up. Technorati will not update and I have been pinging nonstop for the past three hours. It still says my content is old. (I posted at 1.13 this afternoon PDT). If you are seeing this on a reader, please just click onto the site. There is nothing more I can do to fix the problem. I have no way to get new content to your readers. I've exhausted my resources.

Update 5.53 PM - I am unable to get help from Blogger support or Technorati. Essentially, I'm done. Stick a fork in it. There's nothing more I can do to get new content to readers.

I deleted and republished ~ and that didn't work, either. So.. in the vernacular.. I'm screwed.

Update: 7.15 PM ~ Technorati finally updated two minutes ago. I wonder what they were waiting for? The Second Coming? Geez. I certainly hope no one ever gets caught in that black hole! 6 hours and 15 minutes. That is how long it took.


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Right?

I got to thinking about this today after reading a variety of blog posts, most of which included some passage about not being selfish.

Now I understand this to a large degree. I don't consider myself to be overly selfish, but there are some areas where I will admit to just that.

Here's some examples:

1) If I don't want to go somewhere, I won't go. If it's not a matter of life, death or someone else's feelings in a big way, I have no problem saying "no",

2) I only answer the phone if I feel like it. I always find it funny when people ask me on the other end, "are you too busy to talk?" No. If I was too busy or disinterested, I wouldn't answer.

3) I absolutely will not give up large blocks of time. I get too tired and drained and, again, have no problem saying "no". I always say "thank you" but it is occasionally prefaced with "no comma"

4) If I really don't want to do something, I won't do it. I'm very stubborn and not guilt-driven ~ so that never works on me and won't make me change my mind,

5) I don't have difficulty setting limits. I'm very clear about what I can offer and what I can not. If I say I'll do something, I'll do it but I'm slower than mud.... and I just tell the truth about it.

So... tell me one way that you are intractably ... selfish. Don't tell me why you shouldn't be or how you feel guilty. Just tell me something you're selfish about. No apology necessary. :)


Peace,


~Chani