Two Lifetimes In One....

**Note: Well, it's apparent that this topic isn't really of interest to most! :) (Gee, ya think?) Anyway, come by again tomorrow and I'll try to think of something of more general interest. There are days, you know....

~*~*


This is probably a strange thing to write about but it's something that's been on my mind for the past week or so.

In my life here and even in blog reading, many people are talking about the past. They give snippets of their lives, where they came from, things they've done, people they've known. It caused me to become very aware of how utterly repelled I am by my own past. It's as though I've lived two lifetimes in one. There's pre-Thailand and post-Thailand.

When I look back to the past, it seems unreal, as though someone else lived it. Someone else was that shell of a person with no connections, no roots. Someone else was that person with "reverse charisma" whose inability to draw people was completely alienating. This went beyond simply attitude. It was an external reality. Karmic I believe. Someone else lived in that desert of the soul where everyone and everything seemed one step removed.

Or perhaps I was an alien.

Often I still feel that here but being able to detach from it at will, it never takes root. Just a fleeting feeling that comes and goes on occasion, like a long-forgotten scent. The way of life here feels very foreign but I can be selective about what and how I interact with it.

It's difficult to explain what happened in Thailand. Words are too one-dimensional to capture it. That will probably take the rest of my life. In many ways, Thailand was a homecoming but it was also completely unfamiliar. It was a weird tropical planet called "Southeast Asia" and it was so far removed from anywhere I'd ever visited, anything ever seen, that I wasn't quite sure why the instant recognition was so blatantly obvious. A part of me observed life there with detachment while another part grasped it in my palm as though it was the very ground I walked on and my survival depended on it. It was new ~ and I didn't know the rules yet ~ but I knew I was meant to be there. And it was, on an unconscious level, entirely familiar.

There was an instant recognition that Thailand would bring the one thing I'd wanted all my life: belonging. It came out of nowhere and I had no idea what it all meant yet. But a door had opened to a life I'd known was possible, but had never seen. In other words, I knew it would appear one day but didn't know where or how. That was my past ... searching for something, for something that would validate that, yes, I did exist and, yes, I did have a "home".

Despite my "outsider" status in Thailand, I never spent a single lonely or empty day there. I'd always been an outsider here but felt every single painful moment of it. I've spent thousands of such days here. My affinity for the people there was returned ~ and it wasn't the typical "worship of foreigners" most visitors experience. (For more detail on that, see Doodee's recent post on the topic.) There was a soul-level recognition, an immediate sense of community that I experienced with ex-pats and Thai nationals alike. That isn't to say I didn't have the experiences that Doodee writes about but I was able to glide by it quickly and find the people whose souls connected to mine. Some were Thai and some were farang but the recognition was obvious to all of us.

Thailand isn't perfect and my life there will not be perfect. Still, there's a connection that can't be broken by a few stupid people or lousy experiences. Or perhaps it's simply a matter of my inability to be broken. There's a major difference between "being home" and having to process normal life experiences and being where belonging is in such short supply that there's no cushion, no sense of security, no feeling of connectedness and having to deal with it. In the latter environment, every single negative experience feels overwhelming and permanent. Loss feels irreparable.

Kate asked a few weeks ago what connects me so strongly to Thailand. I told her at the time that it couldn't be quantified but that I would make an effort to at least define it.

How do you define "home"? How do you define the familiar? I'm not sure it can be done because the layers are so thick and there are so many nuances that writing even half of it would require a book.

When I get to Khon Kaen and get settled, I might do just that .. write a book. I'll write a book about transformation, the search for home, finding meaning, finding the roots that keep me connected to the world instead living the life of an empty shell, the existentially lost, the cloudy, vague and incredibly unhappy me of the past.


Peace,


~Chani

Turning it inside out....

Silence reigns since bell tolled the hour last.
An outcast, here I camp by hillside,
Driven from love and home, for a time
To abide under the stars and the dew.
As if stricken by the cold pall of death,
Winter's breath spares far and so few,
What with wind, rain splash all anew,
I can't be among the few to be spared.
All these pains I bear with fortitude,
No abuse on nature, to be fair.
But love's pains all refuse so to bear.
Men swear by the gods to disown.
-Seni Pramoj

I seem to be using this blog to create some chronicle of my transformation over the past few years.

In some ways, that's a good thing ~ and in others, not so good. The good overrides the bad, though. Mostly, I'm concerned that words will not fill in the cracks and essence of what this is truly like.

I'm amazed at how the transformation has manifested in my physical being as well as all other facets. Recently, an acquaintance took some photographs and I looked at them with a degree of surprise.

Previously, I always had a "hard" appearance. There was a brittle outer shell that was thick and angular. To say my appearance screamed "unapproachable" would have been a gross understatement. I think I looked like a person who had shut down completely, someone who was hidden in a deep cavern within, a cavern with moats and alligators ~ a place no one else could reach. I wouldn't allow it.

It wasn't attractive.

Now the sharp edges seem to be more rounded. I am amazed at how my face has a heart-shaped look to it. It never did before.

My steps are smaller, less purposeful, less aggressive. It's as though my feet refuse to step on the earth with the same "stomp" that was typical of the past. I remember being constantly admonished to 'slow down'. Now I am admonished to 'speed up'.

Last night, I listened to a radio show at bedtime. Dick Sutphen, the author of many New Age books was interviewed. He gave a good overview of reincarnation, karma, past lives and discussed the regressions he has done. He talked about how having answers about the past often gives his clients a more complete understanding of their lives now.

I can easily see how this would be.

Turn on the Twilight Zone music because I am about to say something that certainly sounds "out there" by current pragmatic standards.

There are times when I can almost feel the Asian Thai woman I once was. I don't know anything about her or her day-to-day life in the practical sense. I don't know where she lived in Thailand. I don't know if it was "Thailand" yet ~ or still Siam. But I just know her. There are times when I almost feel the two of us integrating into the obviously Caucasian Thai woman I am today. Sometimes I think this must be similar to a transgender experience. My body does not match my insides ~ but it causes me absolutely no pain or anguish. I don't dislike my body or feel alienated by it. I know our bodies don't define us, that our bodies are the shells we use, something material, something with form, to house our souls. "Thai-ness" has no relation to physical appearance, even though my own physical appearance has begun to change with the influence. It's subtle. It's a series of small movements. It is the inside that shapes the outside.

It's difficult for me to explain to anyone else what it was like to be as lost as I once was, to not feel any sense of connectedness to the world or my environment. It's not something that lends itself to words because it is a feeling. It's too experiential.

It's an experience I no longer have. Once I set foot in that little country, there would never be that kind of disconnection again. A connection took place there that completely transcends the physical or intellectual.

I am tempted at times to contact someone like Dick Sutphen, just to find out if there are any documented cases of this very thing I have experienced over the past three or four years.

It would be interesting to know.


Peace,

~Chani

Transformation....

"These are times in which a genius would wish to live. It is not in the still calm of life, or in the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are formed. ... Great necessities call out great virtues." Abigail Adams

I decided to go a bit further with this based on some of the comments I received. (Thank you for those :) Some very interesting questions were asked and I'm going to respond in no particular order, just addressing what I see as the core issues.

Greed, power-over, competition, selfishness, criminality and materialism all come from fear.

Compassion, benevolence, charity, justice, mindfulness, service and spirituality come from love.

There are probably many more qualities that could be included but those are the ones that come off the top of my head. (If there are important ones I missed, please leave them in a comment and I will edit the post to include them.)

The most important question is "how do we become transformed"?

In the simplest presentation, it would be "we choose it".

The more accurate answer is far more complex.

I believe it will be different for every person, but the linchpin is in how we define ourselves. We are not material beings. We are spiritual beings. I'm not talking about religion. I am talking about spirit. Religion works for many people and it is important to feed the soul but I'm not saying any one spiritual system is better than another. There are many paths to the same destination.

The first step, though, I believe is to identify our role models. For some, it might be Martin Luther King, Gandhi or Buddha. For others, it might be Carl Sagan. And yet others will find meaning in the words of Mohammed, the great rabbis or Jesus Christ. It all depends on what resonates most with any given individual. Most spiritual disciplines adhere to the same basic moral principles. Study these people or belief systems. What did they say? How does it manifest its basic tenets? How did they deal with ethical dilemmas? If a belief system offers absolutes, run like hell.

My spiritual path works for me because it doesn't require me to accept anything on faith alone. In fact, it doesn't even address the existence of a deity. I took a test in college that was supposed to identify one's way of thinking. I scored equally in the areas of science and religion. I'm a "solid intel" kind of gal. Don't give me a bunch of unproveable data and tell me to believe it because you want me to believe it. Don't crap on a biscuit and tell me its a muffin. I respect the scientific process too much. For that reason, I found something that leaves it up to me personally and my conscience to determine matters of faith while providing me with a solid ethical system. I am a person of faith on certain things. I accept on faith that we live multiple lifetimes because it meshes with my understanding of natural law. Everything in nature recycles. I accept on faith that there is something bigger than all of us in the universe. I believe it is natural law. Sometimes for convenience, I call it "God".

Still, ultimately, we are responsible for the choices we make and the ethical/moral decisions we make and how we live. We are co-creators with God, which leads us to the second step.

The second step, and perhaps most important, is to change our lives. It is a matter of identifying faulty thinking and correcting it. Not all of us are capable of that kind of introspection (well, at least I'm not) which is why we need mentors. In my opinion, mentors help give us a foundation that allows the introspection to evolve into something more than navel-gazing. Most of us, left to our own devices, would be like the proverbial dog chasing his tail.

Mindfulness is a full-time job. Respecting others, respecting community, respecting the earth, respecting animals, respecting the food we eat, respecting the water we drink, respecting resources, respecting the energy we put out into the universe is all a part of remaining mindful and making decisions that benefit all, not just individuals.

It can be done in chunks. Like Mehmet Oz says in his new diet book, "Just eliminate 100 calories a day". Choose to be mindful about one thing at a time. Don't try to change everything at once. Like a good diet, take it in rational and liveable steps.

If we all choose to do this, I believe we can change the world. It won't happen overnight or next weekend, but it will happen. As Gil Scott-Heron wrote so many years ago, "the revolution will not be televised." It will come from re-thinking and making different choices in how we live. It will come from recommitting to essential truths. It will happen because of a massive turnaround in the way we view, and live, our lives.

Peace,


~Chani