Letter to V.

I was asked to post this by a few ex-alkies who correspond with me regularly and who care about the future of this guy, where he goes and how his future will determine itself. I am reluctant because of the personal nature. On the other hand, may it be useful to all of us, especially those of us who have been there, and may it remind us where we came from.

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V.,

I have been asked to write this letter by **** (intervention counselor) who says that it is important for you to understand the impact you have on those around you.

It is not for me to judge, to chastise, to tell you how you should live your life the way I think is right. It is not my place to lay guilt on you, tell you how destructive your behavior is or to tell you that I have a personal investment in your recovery so you owe me something.

I do not and you do not.

The decisions about your life belong to you and you alone. Others will carry on, life will continue, we will design lives that probably will not include you. It will hurt at first because no one likes to see someone deliberately self-destruct. No one wants to see you fail. No one wants to see you die. We are not heartless. I am not heartless. As much as we all want to see you get well, we know we can not do it for you. Somewhere deep inside of you is the ember that is waiting for ignition by your decision to live.

I can only tell you my experience and perhaps that will wake you up a bit. I lived in the desert of the heart in the past. It is indeed a cold and desolate place. So far, you have been fortunate. You haven't had to go there yet. However, you are well on your way. It doesn't take much, given the fragility and tenuousness of life. After a while, people drift away because they can't take the emotional beating a practicing alcoholic dishes out, day after day. After a while, no one will know if you are dead or alive, sick or well, housed or homeless. No one will know if you are hungry or lonely. No one will know if you have seen a smile or touched a kitten. No one will know. And no one will care.

That is the desert. That is where your choices will lead you. There will be no father waiting to welcome you back like the Prodigal Son. There will only be a vacant lot, empty, devoid of everything you knew and everyone you loved. They will have gone away. By then, the alienation is so complete that you will have to build all over again.

Somewhere inside of me, I don't want to give up hope that you care. I want to believe you care about your life and the life of others. I want to believe you care enough for those who have surrounded you like a security blanket, protected you from yourself and protected you from consequences. I want to believe that somewhere inside of you, this matters. If it doesn't matter to you at all, then I can only conclude that you are either the maddest person I've ever known, or you have no concept of acceptable human behavior - the latter making you a sociopath.

If that is the case, move on. Move on down the road. Keep going. Don't look back. Disappear.

If you do care, give just a little. Own just a little bit of this, just enough to motivate you and allow you to stick with a program. You design your program as you see fit. If you decide to become a beach bum on Belize, I will support you. If you decide on the rat race life, I will support you. If you decide to become a construction worker and build houses, I'll support that, too. Whatever you decide is best for you.

Things can't go on as they are. I can not continue to sit by and watch you torture your mother, torture yourself, destroy other people's lives with your irresponsibility and issue one promise after another, each one as empty as your soul seems to be. I am not willing to sacrifice that much for you.

It's time to make a choice. Let us know what that choice is.

Until that time, may you find peace ~ somewhere else.


Thailand Gal

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