Sunday, October 08, 2006

The Strangest Things Happen During the Night....

There seems to have been a major breakthrough this morning in my family relationships. I spent over two hours on the phone this morning with my mother. (Long pause) That is not to say that my hopes are so high that they can be dashed. Just the same, we did have a very good conversation, the first in several months without rehashing of old wounds. My mother, naturally as a mother, has had a really difficult time dealing with my "differences". I am not the person she imagined I would be. I am very quiet, inward, environmentally sensitive and often not the easiest person to communicate with. She has always felt that it is her "fault" somehow that I am not the ambitious, outgoing sort. I in turn resented her having expectations and wishes that I can not meet and never will. She wanted the CEO of Hewlett-Packard. She got Thailand Gal. When I told her that this morning, she apologized for not having accepting me as I am. I apologized for not trying to understand that her dreams meant something to her. I had always just felt pressure to be someone I am not and as a result, I stopped communicating. I told her that my differences, my limitations, are not her "fault", that we just come to the world the way we come. Some things don't have a direct cause/effect relationship. They are just a triumph of random chance. Things were said that have been needed to be said for a very long time on both sides. The history of disappointments and unmet expectations begin to wind upon themselves like a ball of yarn. Before long, the real reason isn't even accessible, let alone known. Maybe the best thing for us is to just let past things go. History can not be changed but the future is still open. I will never be the fantasy daughter she might have wanted. She will never be the fantasy mom that I wanted. We'll all try to take our baby steps and see where we can find common ground.

Above is a picture of my grandnieces, Abigail and Adriana. Until this morning, I didn't know I had two grandnieces. (Am I really that freaking old??? :) Aren't they beautiful? :)

May all have reconciliation ~

Thailand Gal


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